A Story i'm writing to improve my writing skills. - Page 2
   

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A Story i'm writing to improve my writing skills.

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        12-26-2013, 02:29 AM
      #11
    Foal
    #3
    "Get up sleepy head," I am waken with a slight shake. I look up into forget-me-not blue eyes. "Mom!" I yell. I jump up and hug my mother around her neck. "Your back! Your back from Canada!" I shriek. My mom went to Canada a year ago for business. "I sure am. And remember your promise?" My mom says with a sparkle in her eye. I smile wide. "How could I forget?" I say. "Get dressed!" My mom says and leaves. My mom is also horse crazy. And, I made her a promise to take her to the stables as soon as she gets back. I get into my riding clothes, knowing that my mother would do the same. Then I dash out the door and down the stairs. An aroma of pancakes hits me as I enter the kitchen. I throw my arms around my dad's shoulders. "Mom is back!" I say. "I know!" He says. We both giggle. "What's the joke about?" My mom says as she enters the kitchen. Her hair is identical to mine. It's braided down her back. "Nothing!" My dad says and winks at me. I giggle again. "Let's eat!" My mom says. "Then we hit the road. We can walk to the stables," I say excitedly.
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        12-27-2013, 02:51 PM
      #12
    Foal
    It's getting better. However, as FarmPony said, flow is still not as good as it should be.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by WaveHorse    
    "Then Jake, you can go, and Cat, you bring up the rear. See that Warrior doesn't rush," Posted via Mobile Device
    ^^This is a little confusing. Are they jumping one after the other? Are they waiting for the first rider to finish? I'm really confused. It sounds like they are jumping single file. Which if they are jumping single file, I don't really think many barns do jumping lessons that way...unless they're a drill team.
         
        12-27-2013, 05:20 PM
      #13
    Weanling
    And just to help you improve your general writing skills:

    Every time a new person talks, the subject changes, or if time passes, you make a new paragraph. On a regular document, you would indent the begining of the new paragraph, but on HF it won't show up.

    For example:

    "I wish I could ride like her," Coral sighed, "but I'll never be that good."
    "Sure you will," Ellie countered. "With a lot of hard work, I'm positive that you will be just as good if not better."
    The girls turned back to the rail and watched Alyssa take her perfect mare over another tricky jump. Coral sighed again.
    They watched for another few minutes until Ellie finally said, "Well, we're not getting any better standing around. Let's saddle up!"

    It just makes it more readable.

    Also, know the difference between words like your and you're

    You're - you are They're - they are

    Your - something that belongs to you. Your horse, your pride, your excitement.

    Their - Something that belongs to them. Their home, their kids.

    There - a place or a state of being. "It's over there," "There it is," "There are some cookies on the table," "There is one more missing saddle pad."

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The story is improving! Just needs little fixes here and there to help it flow better.
         
        12-31-2013, 12:30 AM
      #14
    Foal
    Hi all! I'm at the beach, so I have to type on my phone (I usually do in anyway), and the cell service is REALLY bad! :(. So I can't really do anything, but I'll get up more ASAP! Enjoy the last day of 2013 en good luck for 2014!

    Greetings,
    WaveHorse <3
    PS: Thanks for all the advice! :)
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        01-08-2014, 06:29 AM
      #15
    Foal
    I'm sooooo sorry guys, but I have to ditch this story! :(. I REALLY don't want to, but I don't have a choice. With the move and everything, I seriously have NO time. Soooo sorry :(
    Posted via Mobile Device
         
        01-08-2014, 08:04 PM
      #16
    Foal
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by WaveHorse    
    I'm sooooo sorry guys, but I have to ditch this story! :(. I REALLY don't want to, but I don't have a choice. With the move and everything, I seriously have NO time. Soooo sorry :(
    Posted via Mobile Device
    Don't ditch it! Once you get all the kinks out of it it'll get better! Just continue later!
         
        01-09-2014, 02:50 PM
      #17
    Foal
    That's too bad. Maybe in the future you can continue it or start a new story. Good luck with your move.
         

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