Trust me.
 
 

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Trust me.

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        12-22-2013, 02:26 PM
      #1
    Foal
    Trust me.

    *this is a story I've been working on. I hope you all enjoy it. PLEASE critique me. If you see anything I should improve, or change let me know.*

    PROLOGUE
    The man smiled as he entered the arena, aware every camera would be trained on his face. He did his best to hide the shame and worry he felt. He silently hopped his wife would be ok... and the delivery would go ok. His horse tossed his beautiful black head. He too was anxious, and wanted this to be over. The crowd cheered as the man trotted to the starting line. He stopped just behide it. The crowd hushed one another. After just a moment, the rider and his horse took off.

    They sprited to the first barrel and whipped around it with ease. The annoucer excitedly yelled it looked like a new record. The man smiled again. He forced his mind to concentrate. He couldn't worry about Maggie now. She would be fine. He urged his mount faster.

    Then it happend. A young boy of ten, whom had idolized this man for years, was sitting just outside the railing fence which surrounded the arena. The young boy jumped to his feet and screamed along with the crowd. He flew to the railing and pushed against it. Much to his and his parents shock, the section of the railing tipped over. It fell to the ground with a loud, "CLANG!" As it hit against another section.

    Maybe if the rider hadn't been so distracted. He would have had time to react. Maybe if the black stallion hadn't been so tense, it wouldn't have startled him. But it did.

    The audience watched in horror as the horse reared. His eyes rolled. The rider grasped the saddle horn and tried to calm the frantic beast. It was no use. The horse came down hard and fast. Then once again he reared. This time he lost his balance and fell backwards onto the rider. The man had no time to react. The beast screamed as he fought to get up. He finally managed to stumble to his feet. Only to then fall forward. Once again he let out a panicked noise and rose. Four hired helpers jumped the railing and ran to aid the fallen man. Along with two emergency workers and a vet.

    The vet determined the horse's leg to be broken. The audience cried in horror. The news cameras turned to zoom in on the young boy who had caused this. But him and his family had disapperd from the scene.

    10 minutes later, the rider the crowd had adored, was pronouced dead.
    ***
    "It's a girl!" The midwife announced as the new mother gave the final push. The midwife passed the screaming baby to her assistant who promtly wrapped the baby in a blanket. The mother cried as they handed her the newborn. Just wait until Her husband heard. For the millionth time she wished John hadn't gone to that stupid rodeo.
    "Mother!" The young women called out. The older gray haired women entered the room with tears in her blue eyes.
    "Maggie...."the older women began. Maggie looked up at her mother's pale face
    "John is dead."


    *that was just the prologue. What do you think? Please let me know *
         
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        12-22-2013, 02:35 PM
      #2
    Yearling
    That's pretty amazing... And very sad! You meany! Making him and the horse die. Still. Very nice. Keep going with that.
         
        12-22-2013, 02:37 PM
      #3
    Foal
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by CandyCanes    
    That's pretty amazing... And very sad! You meany! Making him and the horse die. Still. Very nice. Keep going with that.
    Haha thanks . I know I know. Don't worry it'll get better!!
         
        12-22-2013, 04:04 PM
      #4
    Foal
    *well I figured I might as well post more. Please correct me if I mess up. I won't be offended!*
    CHAPTER 1

    15 years later

    "Great job Hadley." My trainer, Lauren says as I finish the barrel pattern. " Go untack Blitz and see if Lindsey needs help taking up." I nod and smile as I dismount the 16.2 gelding and lead him out of the arena. It's not uncommon for Lauren to ask me to help the younger riders. I don't really mind. Except Lindsey is a slight but spoiled.

    I lead Blitz down the been aisle to a pair of crossties and quickly take off his heavy western saddle and bridle before racking a curry comb through his sweaty bay coat. Blitz isn't mine but I wish he were. If give just about anything to own a horse like him.

    My mom refuses to buy me one after what happend to my dad. He died in a bad barrel accident. In fact the only reason my mom lets me the lessons or even be at the barn is because of my step dad. When they first were married I was 5 and hated this man. I didn't want a daddy. I wanted to meet my daddy. Not this tall strong brunette. But after he convinced my mom to let me take lessons when I was 6, I decided he was pretty ok. I even call him dad.

    Max, the hired ranch hand takes Blitz to go turn him out. I turn around the corner to find Lindsey. "Haddie Miss won't hold still!" I hear her whine before I even reach the stall. I'm greeted with a nerve racking sight as the tall nine year old is trying to force the bit into the mouth of the mare.
    "Lindsey you put the saddle up to high! It needs to be back more. And don't do that with her bit. She's going to bite you or you'll manage her head-shy!" I groan bending down to undo the cinch. After the I finish the saddle. Lindsey hands me the bridle. For about the 100th time I wonder why her parents got her the high strung bay when she can barley saddle a horse by herself.
         
        12-22-2013, 07:30 PM
      #5
    Weanling
    The storyline is exciting and captivating, but I think some of the sentence structure and grammar needs some work. I notice sometimes your sentences get choppy, especially when you're describing Hadley's father's fall. You could take a few of those sentences and string them together with commas to give the story a better flow. For example,

    The rider grasped the saddle horn and tried to calm the frantic beast, but it was no use. The horse came down hard and fast. Then once again he reared, this time losing his balance and falling backwards onto the rider. The man had no time to react. The beast screamed as he fought to get up. He finally managed to stumble to his feet only to then fall forward. Once again, he let out a panicked noise and rose. Four hired helpers jumped the railing and ran to aid the fallen man, along with two emergency workers and a vet.

    Just a suggestion. Overall, very good!
         
        12-22-2013, 08:04 PM
      #6
    Foal
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by faiza425    
    The storyline is exciting and captivating, but I think some of the sentence structure and grammar needs some work. I notice sometimes your sentences get choppy, especially when you're describing Hadley's father's fall. You could take a few of those sentences and string them together with commas to give the story a better flow. For example,

    The rider grasped the saddle horn and tried to calm the frantic beast, but it was no use. The horse came down hard and fast. Then once again he reared, this time losing his balance and falling backwards onto the rider. The man had no time to react. The beast screamed as he fought to get up. He finally managed to stumble to his feet only to then fall forward. Once again, he let out a panicked noise and rose. Four hired helpers jumped the railing and ran to aid the fallen man, along with two emergency workers and a vet.

    Just a suggestion. Overall, very good!
    Ok great! Thank you very much!! I'll try to edit and fix that.
    faiza425 likes this.
         
        12-22-2013, 10:23 PM
      #7
    Foal
    Just realised the name of the trainer was already used in another story on this forum. (Face Palm) the trainers name is now Alyssa.
         
        12-22-2013, 10:43 PM
      #8
    Foal
    After helping the little red head, I set off in search of my best friend.

    "Watch where your going!" A voice I know to well snaps at me as I run into a stall door. I look up to see a pair of brown eyes glaring at me.

    "Sorry Ashlynn." I sigh not wanting to get in a fight with the barn drama queen. Ashlynn tosses her perfectly straight glowing dark hair, and looks me up and down. It's easy to see she's judging my faded jeans, black sweatshirt, and muddied riding boots. It's true I'm nothing compared to her brand new Forget-me-not jeans, sparkling purple belt, and tucked in plaid shirt.
         
        12-23-2013, 01:02 AM
      #9
    Foal
    110 views! Wow more then I thought I'd get. :) but sadly only two comments? Please comment guys! Even if you hate the story! I really want to know what people think of my writing!
         
        12-23-2013, 01:13 PM
      #10
    Green Broke
    A little rough around the edges, but has the potential to be a great read.

    Try taking the time to read over it a few times and if anything sounds rough to read then practice writing it a couple different ways til it sounds better to you.

    Some of it has too much description and other parts have to little dialogue. I hope this helps without giving exact examples. I know the character is in a hurry, but the interaction with the Lindsey was almost short enough to not mention.
         

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