Trust me. - Page 2
 
 

       The Horse Forum > Horse Pictures, Videos, Artwork, and Contests > Horse Stories and Poems

Trust me.

This is a discussion on Trust me. within the Horse Stories and Poems forums, part of the Horse Pictures, Videos, Artwork, and Contests category

    Like Tree1Likes

     
    LinkBack Thread Tools
        12-23-2013, 03:36 PM
      #11
    Foal
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Roadyy    
    A little rough around the edges, but has the potential to be a great read.

    Try taking the time to read over it a few times and if anything sounds rough to read then practice writing it a couple different ways til it sounds better to you.

    Some of it has too much description and other parts have to little dialogue. I hope this helps without giving exact examples. I know the character is in a hurry, but the interaction with the Lindsey was almost short enough to not mention.
    Thank you very much for your feedback!! I'll work on that.
         
    Sponsored Links
    Advertisement
     
        12-23-2013, 05:44 PM
      #12
    Started
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by horsedream568    
    110 views! Wow more then I thought I'd get. :) but sadly only two comments? Please comment guys! Even if you hate the story! I really want to know what people think of my writing!
    Okay, if you insist

    Please double check your spelling. Spelling errors can put a reader off very easily, and there are a few in there.

    When describing a characters visual appearance, try to avoid using the colour of their hair - it is way too easy sound clichéd when you do that! Go for other characteristics; body build, face shape, eye shape, clothing, mouth etc. the same goes for the horses. Yes, put the colour of the horse into the story at one point IF it is relevant, but don't introduce every new horse with a "the *insert colour here* gelding" moment.

    Keep working at it, creativity is a fine thing.
         
        12-23-2013, 09:10 PM
      #13
    Foal
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Shropshirerosie    
    Okay, if you insist

    Please double check your spelling. Spelling errors can put a reader off very easily, and there are a few in there.

    When describing a characters visual appearance, try to avoid using the colour of their hair - it is way too easy sound clichéd when you do that! Go for other characteristics; body build, face shape, eye shape, clothing, mouth etc. the same goes for the horses. Yes, put the colour of the horse into the story at one point IF it is relevant, but don't introduce every new horse with a "the *insert colour here* gelding" moment.

    Keep working at it, creativity is a fine thing.
    Thank you very much. I'll work on this tonight.
         
        12-23-2013, 11:15 PM
      #14
    Foal
    *thanks to everyone who commented!! Please continue reading and giving feedback*

    "Outta my way." Ashlynn says waving me away with the back of her hand. She slams the stable door shut, hard enough for the latch to catch on. But hard enough to startle her gelding Royal Prise. He snorts and shifts sideways, watching the door. Ashlynn doesn't give him a second glance. I roll my eyes and spot Alley leading her horse Pretty Girl to a pair of cross ties.

    "Want some help?" I ask snatching up a curry comb from Alley's tack box. Alley smiles, "of course." I begin to run the brush over her spotted coat.

    "Guess what?" Alley says mysteriously. oh dear. "What?" Trying not to sound to curious. "Did you see the new boy? He rides western too! She asks smiling " He's so hot!!"

    Alley is my best friend. She has been since 3rd grade. But I don't think she's ever going to understand that I don't really have an interest in boys. I mean of course I've had crushes and all. But nothing I want to act on.

    *I feel like it's not intersting I know I'm not that great of a writer but usually I can find something to keep the story going. But I feel really stuck now. And it's only the beginning please tell me if you think it's getting borning.
         
        12-24-2013, 04:33 AM
      #15
    Started
    Well, I am now curious about what is going to happen. I expect there to be a problem in Ashlynn's stable because you have laid the groundwork for that one, and I am interested in what will happen with this 'daughter of a barrel runner'.

    Interest can come not necessarily from exciting events, but from the reader forming some attachment with the characters in the story and investing emotions in them by reading.

    Continue - it's the best way to practise.
         
        12-24-2013, 11:17 AM
      #16
    Green Broke
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Shropshirerosie    
    Well, I am now curious about what is going to happen. I expect there to be a problem in Ashlynn's stable because you have laid the groundwork for that one, and I am interested in what will happen with this 'daughter of a barrel runner'.

    Interest can come not necessarily from exciting events, but from the reader forming some attachment with the characters in the story and investing emotions in them by reading.

    Continue - it's the best way to practise.
    I agree with this post.. You have the pieces in place to make a great story. You have the drama, mystery and contemplation starting to build up. You just need to write it out for you to read over then play with each section until it leads up to the climax in each character. Watch your spelling and grammar as to keep the focus on the story instead of the writing.

    Add dialogue between the characters a little more to create a connection between them for us to make the connection in their relations. What does the main character do away from the barn, what kind of relationship/ interaction does she have with her mother on a daily basis. Any kin she relates with outside of her mother? Maybe a cousin who she connects with on her level. Just a few topics to add in for more depth in the reading..

    You have already shown improvement from the OP so continue to build on that... I'm looking forward to watching your growth through this story.
         

    Quick Reply
    Please help keep the Horse Forum enjoyable by reporting rude posts.
    Message:
    Options

    Register Now

    In order to be able to post messages on the The Horse Forum forums, you must first register.

    Already have a Horse Forum account?
    Members are allowed only one account per person at the Horse Forum, so if you've made an account here in the past you'll need to continue using that account. Please do not create a new account or you may lose access to the Horse Forum. If you need help recovering your existing account, please Contact Us. We'll be glad to help!

    New to the Horse Forum?
    Please choose a username you will be satisfied with using for the duration of your membership at the Horse Forum. We do not change members' usernames upon request because that would make it difficult for everyone to keep track of who is who on the forum. For that reason, please do not incorporate your horse's name into your username so that you are not stuck with a username related to a horse you may no longer have some day, or use any other username you may no longer identify with or care for in the future.

    User Name:
    Password
    Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
    Password:
    Confirm Password:
    Email Address
    Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
    Email Address:

    Log-in

    Human Verification

    In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.


    Old Thread Warning
    This thread is more than 90 days old. When a thread is this old, it is often better to start a new thread rather than post to it. However, If you feel you have something of value to add to this particular thread, you can do so by checking the box below before submitting your post.

    Thread Tools

    Similar Threads
    Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
    Does this mean she has trust for me??? Breezy2011 Horse Training 4 02-02-2013 09:09 PM
    Trust Copperhead Horse Talk 3 01-13-2013 11:12 AM
    Serious trust? Lexiie Horse Training 10 05-09-2012 09:05 AM
    Trust? FreeDestiny Horse Training 17 07-19-2011 08:33 PM
    Do YOU trust StateLine? BluMagic Horse Talk 6 03-14-2008 10:26 AM



    All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:37 PM.


    Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.5
    Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
    Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0