I don't know what to do. I feel so lost. I love Robert. I really do. And I want us to work, but I just don't know anymore.
We fought all morning today. No just bickering. I mean full-on yelling. Wanna know what started it? My best friend called me because she was freaking out about something and I went in the bedroom because I didn't want to talk over the TV. I was on the phone for maybe ten minutes. While I was on the phone, Robert came in to see who I was talking to. I told him and he went back to the living room. While I was on the phone, I found a pin on the bedroom floor, so I picked it up and took it to my sewing room. I keep the door to my sewing room closed so that the cats can't get in when I'm not there and make a mess, and I had (without thinking about it) closed the door behind me to keep them out. Next thing I know, Robert throws the door open and demands to know if I'm hiding something from him (I was still on the phone, at this point). I hung up with Bridgett shortly thereafter and went into the living room. He demanded to know what I was talking to Bridgett about and why I was on the phone so long. I told him exactly what she had called about and why I had gone in the bedroom. He completely acted like he didn't believe me.
So, then he goes to the store to get eggs, bacon and some other food. While he was gone, I was trying to decide what to do and Bridgett texted me to ask if I wanted to go play with the horses. I said sure, but I had some job hunting stuff I had to do in town first. So, after Robert got home, I told him I was going to go take a shower. He said fine, then two minutes later, he knocks on the door and demands to know what I'm doing todayand why I need to take a shower. I told him that I needed to go look for a job and then I was gonna go play with the horses with Bridgett. He says "Well, can't you put in applications on your laptop?" I said yes, but only if we had Internet at the house, which we don't. Then he says "Well can't you apply on your phone?" Yes, dear, but there are some applications you have to do on a regular computer and I needed to follow up on an application anyway. So, he leaves, then 10 minutes later he comes and says he'll take a shower with me. Fine, whatever.
So we're in the shower and he starts railing on me about how he doesn't believe me that I'm going job hunting and going to Bridgett's and that I'm making him suspicious. Ummmm...what? This is followed by him bitching at me for constantly being on my phone (I'm not) and for not offering to make breakfast. Then he goes off about how he's been cheated on and how his ex-wife hurt him and that's why he's always so suspicious of me and that he "can't help it, that's just the way [he is]." I couldn't take it anymore and got right back in his face. I didn't tell him anything that he was doing wrong, but I defended myself.
I have NEVER given him a reason not to trust me and I never will. I feel like I'm being punished for his past relationships failing. And then he says how his family is constantly telling him how lazy I am and how he has to listen to it and he's tired of it. His family is never around and doesn't know me. His older brother is just now (after intense therapy at the VA) starting to accept me and no criticize everything I do or say. I told him to tell his family to mind their own **** business, but he just got mad at me.
So, to cool off after I blew up on him in the shower, I went to make breakfast. I started cooking potatoes and he walks in not ten minutes after I start, starts to make some smart remark, then throws his hands in the air and storms off with a "I'm just not going to say anything." (I didn't say a word, mind you). Come to find out, I wasn't doing the potatoes the way he does them, so he was trying to be nice and not tell me that I was doing them wrong. Excuse me? Just because it's not your way, doesn't mean it's wrong. But apparently to him it does. So then I suggested that we make egg, bacon and potato sandwiches since it was so late (almost noon) and he flipped out (literally flipped out) because the potatoes "weren't right" to make sandwiches. I was just done by that point, so I said "Fine, we won't do sandwiches. Not a big deal"...but he continued to flip out about the **** potatoes!
Before Bridgett called me, we were talking about the bills we have due and how we are going to pay them and he was making me feel like this whole situation was my fault and my problem. He lost his job six weeks ago and has turned down two job offers in that time. To add to that, he hasn't put it any applications in two weeks. I was fired last Monday and have already put out a dozen applications and followed up on half of them. With my last check, I paid my board, put some gas in my car (not even a full tank), paid for our tickets to the Marine Corps birthday ball because he forgot when it was, and have bought groceries. Oh yeah, and I've covered all the bills, PLUS given his mom $300 in rent since he lost his job. I forewent getting a better car so that I could pay all the bills.
And first thing he said when he woke up this morning? I was on my phone checking FB and the forum (he wasn't awake yet) and he rolls over and says "Man, you're addicted to that thing like coke or crack."
We've lived together for a year and a half (just about). We have not been apart more than twelve hours in that entire time. If I do anything except for go to work (when I had a job), he gets insanely jealous and bitches at me the entire time. He can go out to his friends' houses and do whatever he wants and not say a word to me and I'm expected to be totally fine with it. I feel like we need a week or two apart to gain some perspective and just get some space, but he's been very adamant that if we do anything of the sort, we're through. Besides, I literally have nowhere to go.
And then there's the whole marriage issue. My family is Mormon and as such, they see Robert and I living together as living in sin. My dad has several times asked him why we don't just go to the JP and get married. Robert's excuse has been "I don't want to marry her until I can support her" which is sweet, but utter BS, if you ask me. My brother confronted him on it the other day and Robert got really defensive. My brother had a girl that he was going to marry and he said the same thing to her and she left him, so my brother is very sensitive about that excuse. So then, Robert pulls out the excuse "I don't want to rush into marriage again. I rushed into my first marriage and it didn't end well." Ok, but I think having LIVED TOGETHER for a year and a half does not qualify as "rushing in." Then we were watching "Say Yes to the Dress" on TLC and there was a heavier girl trying on dresses and he says in this disgusted voice "Fat chicks shouldn't be brides." He has been harping on me constantly since I gained weight that he wants me to lose weight before we get married so I'll be more attractive.
I just don't know. I really so love him and I know there's a good man hidden in there somewhere, I just don't know how much more of this I can take. He's changed so much in the last nine months or so that it's ridiculous. He's become more aggressive when he plays with me and has actually hurt me on several occasions, but when i try to tell him that he's hurt me, he blows it off and says "That doesn't hurt me"; he won't hardly touch me in the bedroom and when he does, it's like he's doing a chore and just wants it over with; and he's become more nit-picky and jealous over EVERYTHING. I just don't know.
Sorry this is so long. I just needed to get this out.
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