The 30-something's Thread!! *finally* - Page 145
   

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The 30-something's Thread!! *finally*

This is a discussion on The 30-something's Thread!! *finally* within the Horse Talk forums, part of the Keeping and Caring for Horses category

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        11-07-2013, 10:16 PM
      #1441
    Yearling
    Hiya everyone!!!

    I cannot believe it's been 2+ MONTHS since I've read or posted a single word on HF. How sad. I've been doing nothing but working, working on selling off our business, getting our finances squared away, and preparing for my husband to leave for ND. He is leaving tomorrow morning!

    We were crazy to think we could plan a trip 1,600 miles from home, a new career for him as an oil field worker, and square away everything here in a few mere weeks back then...It has taken nearly 20k, endless research, preparing to go from 120 summers to a -30 degree and colder winter. He is outfitted 100%, car is prepped and ready. Resumes are stacked, shelter is prepared for (sort of!) & tonight the final prep is being done before he leaves.

    In 10 1/2 years together, 9 years of marriage, we've been apart no more than about 18 hours max. To say I'm terrified is an understatement.

    But...I believe in my husband, and I believe in God's protection, and if all goes anywhere remotely close to plan, our son and I will be moving up to ND with him in about 2-3 months...and then our goals really BEGIN!

    I wanted to reconnect tonight, because I'll have a ton if reading tine on my hands to catch up on everyone and the HF WORLD AGAIN! I've really missed you all and truly look forward to reconnecting here starting this weekend.

    Hugs all around!
    B2H :}
         
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        11-14-2013, 08:05 PM
      #1442
    Trained
    I don't know what to do. I feel so lost. I love Robert. I really do. And I want us to work, but I just don't know anymore.

    We fought all morning today. No just bickering. I mean full-on yelling. Wanna know what started it? My best friend called me because she was freaking out about something and I went in the bedroom because I didn't want to talk over the TV. I was on the phone for maybe ten minutes. While I was on the phone, Robert came in to see who I was talking to. I told him and he went back to the living room. While I was on the phone, I found a pin on the bedroom floor, so I picked it up and took it to my sewing room. I keep the door to my sewing room closed so that the cats can't get in when I'm not there and make a mess, and I had (without thinking about it) closed the door behind me to keep them out. Next thing I know, Robert throws the door open and demands to know if I'm hiding something from him (I was still on the phone, at this point). I hung up with Bridgett shortly thereafter and went into the living room. He demanded to know what I was talking to Bridgett about and why I was on the phone so long. I told him exactly what she had called about and why I had gone in the bedroom. He completely acted like he didn't believe me.

    So, then he goes to the store to get eggs, bacon and some other food. While he was gone, I was trying to decide what to do and Bridgett texted me to ask if I wanted to go play with the horses. I said sure, but I had some job hunting stuff I had to do in town first. So, after Robert got home, I told him I was going to go take a shower. He said fine, then two minutes later, he knocks on the door and demands to know what I'm doing todayand why I need to take a shower. I told him that I needed to go look for a job and then I was going to go play with the horses with Bridgett. He says "Well, can't you put in applications on your laptop?" I said yes, but only if we had Internet at the house, which we don't. Then he says "Well can't you apply on your phone?" Yes, dear, but there are some applications you have to do on a regular computer and I needed to follow up on an application anyway. So, he leaves, then 10 minutes later he comes and says he'll take a shower with me. Fine, whatever.

    So we're in the shower and he starts railing on me about how he doesn't believe me that I'm going job hunting and going to Bridgett's and that I'm making him suspicious. Ummmm...what? This is followed by him complaining at me for constantly being on my phone (I'm not) and for not offering to make breakfast. Then he goes off about how he's been cheated on and how his ex-wife hurt him and that's why he's always so suspicious of me and that he "can't help it, that's just the way [he is]." I couldn't take it anymore and got right back in his face. I didn't tell him anything that he was doing wrong, but I defended myself.

    I have NEVER given him a reason not to trust me and I never will. I feel like I'm being punished for his past relationships failing. And then he says how his family is constantly telling him how lazy I am and how he has to listen to it and he's tired of it. His family is never around and doesn't know me. His older brother is just now (after intense therapy at the VA) starting to accept me and no criticize everything I do or say. I told him to tell his family to mind their own **** business, but he just got mad at me.

    So, to cool off after I blew up on him in the shower, I went to make breakfast. I started cooking potatoes and he walks in not ten minutes after I start, starts to make some smart remark, then throws his hands in the air and storms off with a "I'm just not going to say anything." (I didn't say a word, mind you). Come to find out, I wasn't doing the potatoes the way he does them, so he was trying to be nice and not tell me that I was doing them wrong. Excuse me? Just because it's not your way, doesn't mean it's wrong. But apparently to him it does. So then I suggested that we make egg, bacon and potato sandwiches since it was so late (almost noon) and he flipped out (literally flipped out) because the potatoes "weren't right" to make sandwiches. I was just done by that point, so I said "Fine, we won't do sandwiches. Not a big deal"...but he continued to flip out about the **** potatoes!

    Before Bridgett called me, we were talking about the bills we have due and how we are going to pay them and he was making me feel like this whole situation was my fault and my problem. He lost his job six weeks ago and has turned down two job offers in that time. To add to that, he hasn't put it any applications in two weeks. I was fired last Monday and have already put out a dozen applications and followed up on half of them. With my last check, I paid my board, put some gas in my car (not even a full tank), paid for our tickets to the Marine Corps birthday ball because he forgot when it was, and have bought groceries. Oh yeah, and I've covered all the bills, PLUS given his mom $300 in rent since he lost his job. I forewent getting a better car so that I could pay all the bills.

    And first thing he said when he woke up this morning? I was on my phone checking FB and the forum (he wasn't awake yet) and he rolls over and says "Man, you're addicted to that thing like coke or crack."

    We've lived together for a year and a half (just about). We have not been apart more than twelve hours in that entire time. If I do anything except for go to work (when I had a job), he gets insanely jealous and bitches at me the entire time. He can go out to his friends' houses and do whatever he wants and not say a word to me and I'm expected to be totally fine with it. I feel like we need a week or two apart to gain some perspective and just get some space, but he's been very adamant that if we do anything of the sort, we're through. Besides, I literally have nowhere to go.

    And then there's the whole marriage issue. My family is Mormon and as such, they see Robert and I living together as living in sin. My dad has several times asked him why we don't just go to the JP and get married. Robert's excuse has been "I don't want to marry her until I can support her" which is sweet, but utter BS, if you ask me. My brother confronted him on it the other day and Robert got really defensive. My brother had a girl that he was going to marry and he said the same thing to her and she left him, so my brother is very sensitive about that excuse. So then, Robert pulls out the excuse "I don't want to rush into marriage again. I rushed into my first marriage and it didn't end well." Ok, but I think having LIVED TOGETHER for a year and a half does not qualify as "rushing in." Then we were watching "Say Yes to the Dress" on TLC and there was a heavier girl trying on dresses and he says in this disgusted voice "Fat chicks shouldn't be brides." He has been harping on me constantly since I gained weight that he wants me to lose weight before we get married so I'll be more attractive.

    I just don't know. I really so love him and I know there's a good man hidden in there somewhere, I just don't know how much more of this I can take. He's changed so much in the last nine months or so that it's ridiculous. He's become more aggressive when he plays with me and has actually hurt me on several occasions, but when I try to tell him that he's hurt me, he blows it off and says "That doesn't hurt me"; he won't hardly touch me in the bedroom and when he does, it's like he's doing a chore and just wants it over with; and he's become more nit-picky and jealous over EVERYTHING. I just don't know.

    Sorry this is so long. I just needed to get this out.
    Posted via Mobile Device
         
        11-14-2013, 11:55 PM
      #1443
    Weanling
    Oh Drafty... some big red flags there honey... read through your post as though it was something a friend was telling you about their situation, to help put it in perspective.

    How would you advise a friend saying this?. You know the red flags I'm talking about; controlling, has hurt you, disrespects you, tells you its all your fault, has been sacked from jobs for sexual harassment, is isolating you from friends and family, won't leave you alone, doesn't trust you ...

    You sound like a lovely girl, with a big heart, who needs a man who deserves her. I'm not sure this guy is it.
         
        11-15-2013, 07:57 AM
      #1444
    Yearling
    I know I've been "absent" for a long time, Drafty...but you know I care about you...this behavior above...none is acceptable. Ever. For any reason. I know it's hard woman...but you really may want to consider looking at what reason on earth you have for STAYING with this man...in addition to EVERYTHING you've just written, look at the past year and a half. Consider whether your life would be better/farther along/more our less peaceful, secure, HAPPY (!) with or without Robert...I think you'll have your answer babe.

    It's NOT COOL to "walk out" just because things get a bit tough...people do that far too easily these days. IT IS COOL, VERY COOL, to leave when it isn't merely "tough", but abusive, harmful to self-esteem, and "Co-dependent"...you know your answer already.

    Big hugs and strength your way, lady!
    Posted via Mobile Device
         
        11-15-2013, 08:38 AM
      #1445
    Started
    Ill say it from the male prospective

    He lets oppertunity go by.

    Get out, move on.
         
        11-15-2013, 11:58 AM
      #1446
    Yearling
    Wow Drafty. Feeling stuck in a hopeless relationship is no bueno. Do you have someplace else you can go? If so, pack up and move out. He's got bigger problems than you can/should tackle.
    Back2Horseback likes this.
         
        11-17-2013, 02:18 PM
      #1447
    Foal
    Hey all I'm new and have decided to join this group because quite honestly, I don't know many people who have the same interests as I do. I feel a bit strange joining in the conversation after Drafty's post, and I know none of you know me, but Drafty I've been in a relationship like that before. It sucks and you feel hopeless, but it will never get better. Don't waste your time waiting for the man that he could potentially be his problems are not your responsibility and if he is going to make you feel guilty about living your life, whats in the relationship for you? Leaving is the hardest thing to do, however, you will be amazed at how good you feel once you don't have that burden in your life. I know I'm a n00b, but I have been in your shoes and know exactly what you are struggling with. Stay strong and think about what's best for you personally :)
         
        11-17-2013, 04:26 PM
      #1448
    Yearling
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by DoubleOEquestrian    
    Hey all I'm new and have decided to join this group because quite honestly, I don't know many people who have the same interests as I do. I feel a bit strange joining in the conversation after Drafty's post, and I know none of you know me, but Drafty I've been in a relationship like that before. It sucks and you feel hopeless, but it will never get better. Don't waste your time waiting for the man that he could potentially be his problems are not your responsibility and if he is going to make you feel guilty about living your life, whats in the relationship for you? Leaving is the hardest thing to do, however, you will be amazed at how good you feel once you don't have that burden in your life. I know I'm a n00b, but I have been in your shoes and know exactly what you are struggling with. Stay strong and think about what's best for you personally :)
    Houdy neighbor. I'm in Oklahoma. I know what you mean about other people not having the same interests. It seems like my whole life is all about riding and horses which most 30 somethings can't relate to. Anyway, welcome to the group.
         
        11-17-2013, 04:43 PM
      #1449
    Green Broke
    I have been through all that too, Paige. It gets worse as time goes on. You cannot think about potential-you have to deal w/how things are right now. You have bent over backwards to make this work & all your get is **** dumped on your head. He has no respect for you as you are. Soon, if it isn't already- it will affect how your son sees you. How he will treat the future women in his life. I think Robert is showing his true colors now, it has been long enough he is no longer "courting" you, & his family's thoughts are working on him. I wish I had different advice for you, but if you aren't happy-your "family" won't be happy. A man can do a lot to make a woman happy & you aren't getting any of that right now.
         
        11-17-2013, 05:33 PM
      #1450
    Foal
    Hi everyone,

    I'm fairly new to this forum and very new to horse ownership. I didn't think I'd be checking in here as much as I have been, but I find that there's so much to learn, and so much I didn't even know I had to learn. Plus, meeting new people is awesome.

    So hi. I'm Erika. I'm 38, and I live in Southern New Hampshire with my husband, my cats, chickens/roosters, rabbits, 2 goats, and my newest addition, Ripley, the Rocky Mountain horse.

    I love the community that seems to be here, so I hope I can become part of it. And I hope that all of you, not just Drafty, remember that life is meant to be lived with joy and relationships are meant to be accepting and loving. Anything less is cheating yourself!
         

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