I am really worried about my relationship with one of my horses...any advice or feedback would be greatly appreciated.
I have two mini geldings, Beamer, 2 y/o, and Calvin, a 9 y/o neglect rescue, at my home barn. (I am 16.) I have have Beamer for a year and a half, and got Calvin when they both moved in to their new barn last summer. The issues I am having are with Beamer. He really picks up on emotions, but unlike Calvin, instead of being sensitive about when you're feeling upset, he starts acting out. This is a huge problem because I have a long history (5 years) of major depression and anxiety. I have been getting treatment for 3 years, but it is still a big problem in my everyday life. Beamer naturally has just about the responsivity & willpower of a little bulldozer...in other words, a lot of the latter, and Not a lot of the prior. (Great combo, no?) So the concern comes in when I am having a not-so-good day, and I take him out to work him. Well, he starts to put up a fight really quickly. The problem is, I can't tell how much of it is a response to my emotional incongruency (how I'm acting all hunky dory, but yet he senses that I'm feeling highly stressed out and upset) and how much I need to correct him for. But even if he is telling me "Whoa--dude...what's going on?" do I still need to correct him for being a Brat with a capital B? I want to know what he is telling me, but on the other hand, he needs to be safe and learn his manners...But I truly think I am going to cause him to go "over the edge" so to speak--he can't continue on so stressed out about me without colicking, or without his EMND getting worse...I am doing all I can on my end to keep my distress level as low as possible, but it just isn't enough. Could he be sensing a relapse coming on? I can't afford one right now...too much is getting put into place...and one more relapse & they're sending me to residential...one more cutting spree and they're taking out my riding lessons at the other barn...And I can't even talk about the last thing...I just don't know what to do...I don't know what's wrong with me...There's obviously something big, and the fact that I know his health is going to decline again soon if I don't get better is just going to make things Worse. Please...if you have any advice, at all...
Thank you very much,