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Cant understand my daughter

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    03-21-2012, 04:54 PM
Originally Posted by starrylake    
Im not against the idea, I just don't know how to approach her about it. Do I just set up an appointment and tell her she's going no matter what??
No. Bad idea. I consider myself somewhat of a therapy expert. My husband is bipolar and we've been going to therapy our entire marriage (8 years) together and seperate. It took my husband a long time to want to go see a therapist and work through things. It's only made a difference in our lives the past year because he has finally engaged with it.

I really think therapy can help out so many people but it only works if they want it to work.

Suggest it to your daughter. Schedule one session with her permission and see what goes from there.
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    03-21-2012, 04:57 PM
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    03-21-2012, 04:57 PM
@Starry- I've read the whole thread and I think you're doing the right thing and have found the right person to train your daughter. When I was her age, my mother couldn't have taught me to tie my shoes, but I would listen to an outsider.

I don't know how many kids y'all have, but I'm thinking she needs some 'me' time with an outsider. I came from a large family and at her age, all I wanted was time to myself or time with someone who wouldn't be interrupted by one of my siblings, a boarder or my dad. I didn't want to be hearing, "Your brother......." or "You are the 2nd oldest, you should be farther along than your brother at .............". That never helped me learn to do a thing.

So, that all said, I'd let her have her lessons, on the gelding. No new horses for a WHILE yet. And she'd have to understand that yes, we're doing the barrel lessons you wanted and if you stick with it we MAY look for a horse to lease or buy at some point in time. However, if she fobs off and even once pulls the famous teenager, "I'm too tired, I don't wanna or I don't feel like it", then the lessons stop and she will have to earn the right to even ride one of the horses at home, and the only way back to lessons would be to earn them by working. If she hits the point where you stop paying for lessons because she doesn't want to put forth the effort, from then on she would pay her own way.

It sounds to me like she values nothing because she's not had to put the sweat out to earn it. At this point in time, it's a lesson she needs to learn, that things, horses, cars, houses all have value and some folks just don't appreciate anything they haven't sweated hard for.
    03-21-2012, 05:36 PM
Thanks for all the advice, hopefully the lessons go well and she gains the confidence she requires to becoming a barrel racing rider. I will keep everybody updated on how her lessons go :). Also, she does clean stalls for a weekly allowance, maybe she's just trying to find what's best for her. I understand she's a teen, and its time to get more than just her mothers guidance. Were just going to let her learn on my husbands gelding, and follow the instructors guidance on if and when she's ready to ride an actual barrel trained horse.
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    03-21-2012, 10:09 PM
You're a good mom, Starry. Hang in there!
    03-21-2012, 10:52 PM
Originally Posted by Ladytrails    
You're a good mom, Starry. Hang in there!
Thank you, I appreciate it.
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    03-22-2012, 02:23 AM
Yes you are a good mom and your daughter is trying to find out where she fits in
Good luck
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    04-11-2012, 11:43 PM
Green Broke
Hi, just wondering how things are going? Hope everything is working out well for you and your daughter!
    04-12-2012, 12:28 AM
Green Broke
I'm wondering as well
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    04-12-2012, 01:39 AM
Originally Posted by Chessie    

I didn't like it. I didn't like it at all. But I kept at it because I didn't want to disappoint my parents. It was their thing. I didn't put my foot down and say this is not what I want to do until I was about her age, then I caught hell for it."You're so talented. How can you just give up like that. We didn't raise a quitter...." you get the idea....

...As I got older, I had to face a combination of my self-esteem being shorted because I had parents that didn't allow me the freedom to choose what I wanted to do... I didn't feel like I really became myself as a person until I hit about 27, and I still feel the echoes of self-doubt.... put the horse thing aside and start asking about her other interests.

Maybe she really wants to paint. Maybe she really wants to dance. Maybe she really wants to play soccer. She may feel pressure to do the horse thing because that is what the family does and it just isn't what she really wants to do, then if she's not happy, she's seeking another path in the "horse realm" to go down because she unsatisfied, but that dissatisfaction could be coming from a desire to do something else entirely and figure out for herself what she really enjoys.

This age is the age of breaking off and experimenting with your interests. My best advice is to take an impersonal step back and allow her to stretch her wings outside the horse world a little. See if anything out in the big wide world ignites a passion in her that pushes her past any fear.

In the end, love her and let her know that no matter what, that's never going away.
Apologies to this poster for "cutting up" your post, however the points you made that I included here were my thoughts precisely on the issue...

I'm not a therapist, but it sounds SO CLEAR TO ME reading through these posts that she MAY JUST NOT BE INTERESTED IN HORSES, OVERALL! I know that seems hard for we passionate horse-lovers whom at 13 would've given anything to be in her situation. It simply seems to me like she wants to "find herself", and perhaps for a very shy, emotional girl, (as you've described her), horses may be too overwhelming...

Maybe she doesn't need help making friends, perhaps she's the more solitary type, happier with one or two close girlfriends and the rest of the time to read, write, paint, WHATEVER, ALONE...Just her alone with her thoughts and interests and if she were permitted to do that, w/o any outside pressure to be what others want her to be, she will become less emotional, more happy, more HER!

She may find who SHE IS, and then the family will see the girl they couldnt "see" before, because everyone wanted her to be something else!

No DOUBT YOU LOVE her with all you have and want her to be happy...maybe with no pressure whatsoever (excrpt regarding her completing the basic, obvious necessities of being responsible for schoolwork, being a conscientious and "appropriate" teen, teaching her healthy morals, values, how to treat herself and others, basic child-rearing things (!), she will grow into someone who loves HERSELF AND HER FAMILY...As a parent, that is all I work towards and pray for for my child!

Best to you and your daughter!! :0)

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