Compromising... Wow!
   

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Compromising... Wow!

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  • Husband made me give up my horse
  • Give up horses for husband

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    05-12-2012, 09:33 AM
  #1
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Compromising... Wow!

HUGE realization after watching late night informercials post "Bret Michaels Love Bus" (wth is that about LOL!!!!!! Crazy!!)

But seriously, learning about the Steam Pocket and Proactiv after watching the obscene way these women were acting and how they were being treated.. it really hit home.

We as horsemen make such a huge dedication to our horses. We commit to them on such a deep level.

I'm still a teen. Turning 20 this year (WOW!!) and in college, still living with my parents because they are super duper clingy, and really a mess with all of my priorities.

Sky was my first true commitment and I pour my entire soul and heart and time and love into him. Blood sweat and tears baby! Haha!

And then I have this guy I'm sort of with (on and off due to distance and strains of being involved with the military.) Well I've known him more than I've had Sky. And I've realized tonight that I've been compromising very minimally. I'm basically having a cake and stuffing it in my face, and leaving him with a sliver.

I spend all my money on my horse, and on myself for my horse. I'm talking breeches, and lessons, and new girly stuff from VSecrets and work socks for my boots and blahblahblahblah. And for him? Well, I give some of my time.. but mainly I'm texting him and then sometimes I write to him but I haven't visited him at post and I haven't really done much for him.

I care about him, a lot.. but I realize I've put soo much into my first commitment (imagine if they were swapped.. good lord!) that I'm losing him. We're hanging by a thread because I insist on lessons and training and new stuff for me and I leave nothing left.

So I've decided I'm going to use the money that I spend on my lessons and I'm going to save it up, so that I can go visit him and see where we are at in our relationship. I don't want to lose him. Hey maybe we don't work out, but at least I changed my stubborn ways.

Have you ever made such a realization? What have you "given up" for someone or something you care about or need to take care of?

Let's hear it peeps!! And that post was rather personal so I appreciate it if you don't judge me for my age or lifestyle.
     
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    05-12-2012, 10:01 AM
  #2
Trained
Somewhere along the road to my wife and I now having been married 33 years your priorities and life balance shift with the realization (or acceptance) that your family/partner/children/etc are the only lasting "possession" that you have. I think that having children is often an event that changes the way people think because that forces you, more than anything else, to put yourself and what you want behind others.
     
    05-12-2012, 10:07 AM
  #3
Showing
I hope I feel that change... because honestly I don't see myself married with kids. Heck I don't even see myself being an Auntie or having a husband.

I'm so mature in wisdom and spirit and being.. but it's like so... freakish to me. Like earthquakes. I know they exist and I know one day I'll feel one.. but since it has not happened *knocks on wood* it doesn't feel real or plausible.

Fingers crossed though, and congrats on 33 years of marriage :)!
     
    05-12-2012, 10:38 AM
  #4
Trained
^^^ I'll be honest...some people never do, and some people regret it, too. I know 2 ladies that I've ridden with that fall into that category. One decided, when her children were teenagers, that she had "enough" of giving and gave her husband the kids in exchange for the horses. The other is on husband #3 as each (to her) eventually encroached too much on her life with horses.
I don't judge..to each his own. Hope you find what you're looking for in life.
     
    05-12-2012, 10:39 AM
  #5
Super Moderator
Not judging at allÖ you are very lucky to have a guy who understands what is important to you. Many young women donít and give up too easily on the things that make them who they are to please someone else, so it is nice to hear that you have been pursuing your own passions and interests. Not saying it is ok to ignore the bf at all, just glad to hear that at this phase in your life you are focused (or have been) on yourself yet still growing and evolving.
Finding out who you are before settling into a long term relationship is very important and something that will be beneficial to any relationship you choose.
My hubby made me give up my horses and some of my other passions (which were the very heart of who I was) once upon a time and it was a hard road back to those things.

I agree with PaintHorse. Once children come along, you finally and truly realize that life is not all about you. (not meaning you personally, but collectively.) Anyone who is a good parent will recognize that and adjust their thinking accordingly.
Unfortunately not all parents embrace that which is a shame.

Like you, I never saw my life with kids in it so when the DRs told me I couldn't have any, it was ok with me. There was always adoption if I ever got on the baby train.
Having my son (and the complete miracle that he was) was like being struck by lightning! What a change in me and I'm so thankful that I can see life through "parent" eyes now. It makes life so much richer and more meaningful.
Don't worry if you aren't "there" yet before it happens.

So, there have been times that I gave up things for people and it was the best thing I could have ever done (my son) and there have been times Iíve given up things for people who were not worth the effort in the long run. But, having gone through the good and bad allowed me to learn to recognize the difference and I donít regret the mistakes
     
    05-12-2012, 10:40 AM
  #6
Showing
Quote:
Originally Posted by PaintHorseMares    
^^^ I'll be honest...some people never do, and some people regret it, too. I know 2 ladies that I've ridden with that fall into that category. One decided, when her children were teenagers, that she had "enough" of giving and gave her husband the kids in exchange for the horses. The other is on husband #3 as each (to her) eventually encroached too much on her life with horses.
I don't judge..to each his own. Hope you find what you're looking for in life.
That's so sad... I was beginning to do that with my family. And my guy.. but I'm glad I'm seeing the bigger picture.

Thanks for the advice and reply!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lockwood    
Not judging at all… you are very lucky to have a guy who understands what is important to you. Many young women don’t and give up too easily on the things that make them who they are to please someone else, so it is nice to hear that you have been pursuing your own passions and interests. Not saying it is ok to ignore the bf at all, just glad to hear that at this phase in your life you are focused (or have been) on yourself yet still growing and evolving.
Finding out who you are before settling into a long term relationship is very important and something that will be beneficial to any relationship you choose.
My hubby made me give up my horses and some of my other passions (which were the very heart of who I was) once upon a time and it was a hard road back to those things.

I agree with PaintHorse. Once children come along, you finally and truly realize that life is not all about you. (not meaning you personally, but collectively.) Anyone who is a good parent will recognize that and adjust their thinking accordingly.
Unfortunately not all parents embrace that which is a shame.

Like you, I never saw my life with kids in it so when the DRs told me I couldn't have any, it was ok with me. There was always adoption if I ever got on the baby train.
Having my son (and the complete miracle that he was) was like being struck by lightning! What a change in me and I'm so thankful that I can see life through "parent" eyes now. It makes life so much richer and more meaningful.
Don't worry if you aren't "there" yet before it happens.

So, there have been times that I gave up things for people and it was the best thing I could have ever done (my son) and there have been times I’ve given up things for people who were not worth the effort in the long run. But, having gone through the good and bad allowed me to learn to recognize the difference and I don’t regret the mistakes
That's so encouraging.. and wow congrats on your son!!!!! I was unplanned. My mom had been trying with my dad for 2 years, got my brother and then I came along a year later :) So my mom can relate to you on that level!

Wow, I really really am happy for you and I hope I get there too.

Yes he's so wonderful; he has told me in the past that he feels belittled at times because I rank Sky sooo high on my list.. but he's my everything at the moment so I'm trying to find a healthy balance. For everyone's sake :) I could never give him up, nor want my guy to give anything he loves up (like football Sundays!) cause you're right, it's a huge piece of you and without it.. you're just tagging along and not really being the truly best vivacious you. That's when problems begin I think.

Thanks so much :) This really gives me hope!
     
    05-12-2012, 10:52 AM
  #7
Trained
There comes a time when you realize life is not about "me", but about "them".

The "them" may not be other people always. How we treat horses & dogs are a part of who we are, just like how we treat other people. But what defines who we are, in the long run, isn't about what "I" can do or achieve for me.

One of the best things that happened to me in my Air Force career was being passed over for major. I was falling into the trap of focusing on getting ahead in work, and letting my family fall where it might. When I was passed over for promotion, it helped me appreciate the role of my family and kids.

5 years later, I became what was then the oldest Captain to get promoted to Major (although a couple of years later another guy beat me for that dubious record). I later made Lt Col, did some work that I thought was important, and retired when cutbacks eliminated my job and left me in a 'busywork' job. And when I retired, I still had my family and kids (and dogs, and had added horses about that time as well).

It is easy, for me at least, to get caught up in 'getting ahead' - be that a career, or goals in anything. And I've watched men who sacrificed their families to achieve their careers, and most of them end up miserable and pathetic.

It isn't wrong to have dreams, or to work toward them. It isn't wrong to have things you do for yourself - but IMHO, it works far better when those goals are a part of a team - family, co-workers, etc.

To use a horse analogy, it is the difference between demanding a horse do XYZ so you can win a ribbon, and encouraging a horse to do his best - and understanding if his best is less than what will bring you glory. It is the difference between a horse who is a partner, and one who is a tool.

Hopefully my own experience in life hasn't dragged my answer too far away from your thoughts. This guy may or may not be the guy you spend a life with, but how you treat him is every bit as much important as how you treat your horse. Both define who you are as a person, and the balance you strike in dealing with both will form the person you become.
     
    05-12-2012, 10:59 AM
  #8
Showing
Quote:
Originally Posted by bsms    
There comes a time when you realize life is not about "me", but about "them".

The "them" may not be other people always. How we treat horses & dogs are a part of who we are, just like how we treat other people. But what defines who we are, in the long run, isn't about what "I" can do or achieve for me.

One of the best things that happened to me in my Air Force career was being passed over for major. I was falling into the trap of focusing on getting ahead in work, and letting my family fall where it might. When I was passed over for promotion, it helped me appreciate the role of my family and kids.

5 years later, I became what was then the oldest Captain to get promoted to Major (although a couple of years later another guy beat me for that dubious record). I later made Lt Col, did some work that I thought was important, and retired when cutbacks eliminated my job and left me in a 'busywork' job. And when I retired, I still had my family and kids (and dogs, and had added horses about that time as well).

It is easy, for me at least, to get caught up in 'getting ahead' - be that a career, or goals in anything. And I've watched men who sacrificed their families to achieve their careers, and most of them end up miserable and pathetic.

It isn't wrong to have dreams, or to work toward them. It isn't wrong to have things you do for yourself - but IMHO, it works far better when those goals are a part of a team - family, co-workers, etc.

To use a horse analogy, it is the difference between demanding a horse do XYZ so you can win a ribbon, and encouraging a horse to do his best - and understanding if his best is less than what will bring you glory. It is the difference between a horse who is a partner, and one who is a tool.

Hopefully my own experience in life hasn't dragged my answer too far away from your thoughts. This guy may or may not be the guy you spend a life with, but how you treat him is every bit as much important as how you treat your horse. Both define who you are as a person, and the balance you strike in dealing with both will form the person you become.
Gosh darn it bsms, tears in my eyes. Not kidding! That spoke to me so directly and I can completely understand everything a lot better now.

I think it was the horse analogy or maybe the possibility of this guy being really.. important.

It can get so easy to want to just go and strive for bigger and better promotions. You think you're doing your family a world of good but sometimes it's more harmful at the time than anything.

Take in point what happened with Sky and I the last 5 months before I moved here. I spent 89% of the time away from my family, and I only focused on training Sky how to canter and I sunk to low depths to get him there. I threw away down time and baths and fun bareback days.. it was all about the canter and finding him a lessee.. I look back now and kick myself ten times over. It wasn't good for Sky nor me nor my family who I became this stressed out snappy stranger to for all of the lessee seeking.

Thanks bsms, I'm shocked you didn't throw in an old photo! I love when you bring those out, it's like your signature trade mark
     
    05-12-2012, 11:18 AM
  #9
Super Moderator
Quote:
Originally Posted by Skyseternalangel    
That's so sad... I was beginning to do that with my family. And my guy.. but I'm glad I'm seeing the bigger picture.

Thanks for the advice and reply!



That's so encouraging.. and wow congrats on your son!!!!! I was unplanned. My mom had been trying with my dad for 2 years, got my brother and then I came along a year later :) So my mom can relate to you on that level! Thanks! To say my son was unplanned and a total shock is an understatement! I was like... "Wha?? But, but... but you said I couldn't even have kids!! I gotta sit down!"

Wow, I really really am happy for you and I hope I get there too.
You will. And you will get there when it is right for you, which is the most important time of all.

Yes he's so wonderful; he has told me in the past that he feels belittled at times because I rank Sky sooo high on my list.. but he's my everything at the moment so I'm trying to find a healthy balance. For everyone's sake :)
Balance is always a good thing, along with perspective.
I could never give him up, nor want my guy to give anything he loves up (like football Sundays!) cause you're right, it's a huge piece of you and without it.. you're just tagging along and not really being the truly best vivacious you. That's when problems begin I think.
Very wise for you to see that.

Thanks so much :) This really gives me hope!
I think so long as you keep looking both inward and for the bigger picture, you'll do just fine no matter where life takes you. And tell your mom, I can definitely relate.
Skyseternalangel likes this.
     
    05-12-2012, 12:38 PM
  #10
Super Moderator
When you are the age that you are, Sky, it is your job to think about yourself primarily. You have to be established in who YOU are before you have enough identity and self assurance to be able to hold your own in a relationship , or as a parent.

Don't rush yourself into adulthood, you'll miss important foundation experiences, and one of those is to be self focussed , beleive it or not.
     

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