Critique my sales ad?
 
 

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Critique my sales ad?

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        12-14-2013, 09:14 PM
      #1
    Yearling
    Critique my sales ad?

    UGH! I never knew how hard it is to write a sales ad! Any advice or what to add in/take out?

    I am selling a 10 year old Egyptian Arabian mare by the name of Flame. She is registered under the name of CG Shalimaars Flame, and I do have the papers, they just have to be transferred over. I've owned her for several months, and I have never met such a sweet mare. She would rather be rubbed on than eat! I can see her being an excellent kids horse in the future with a little bit of work, or a great trail partner for a small adult, as she is 14hh. She does have minor arthritis in her hocks, and 2 nasty scars on her legs from a run in with steel. The scars do not affect her in any way. She has been saddled, bridled, lunged, walked down the road and around fields and mounted a couple times. Flame is a very eager learner and catches on to new things incredibly fast! Flame was owned by a man with a short temper, so if she is smacked, even if it's light, she does get scared. What she needs is a patient owner that will go at her speed, not theirs. She is good with the farrier and vet, being clipped, groomed, tied, and stalled. She does need work on bathing. She is up to date on shots, but does not have a coggins as of now. Flame also could use her teeth done before being ridden in a bridle (I've been riding her in a halter). She is located in Zeeland, MI for $500. Message me if interested.
         
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        12-14-2013, 09:41 PM
      #2
    Started
    Right away there's too much information. It's a big block of text that we don't need, get rid of the unnecessary words...

    Quote:
    I am selling a 10 year old Egyptian Arabian mare by the name of Flame. She is registered under the name of CG Shalimaars Flame, and I do have the papers, they just have to be transferred over.
    She's registered, you don't need to say that you have the papers and they've been transferred over. I also prefer to see the basic info (name, age, breed, registered status, gender, etc.) listed so you can take a look, see if it's what you're interested in and THEN read on about temperament, etc.

    Quote:
    She does have minor arthritis in her hocks, and 2 nasty scars on her legs from a run in with steel. The scars do not affect her in any way.
    I would mention the arthritis, but not the scars. If they REALLY don't affect her there's no reason to mention them in the initial ad, they can come up later in conversation.

    Quote:
    Flame was owned by a man with a short temper, so if she is smacked, even if it's light, she does get scared. What she needs is a patient owner that will go at her speed, not theirs.
    Was she actually abused? Aka beaten / neglected? If not, I don't think it's something you need to mention in the ad. Again, it can come up later when you're talking about her 'vices' ie: she responds better to verbal reprimands than physical. The way it's worded sounds like an excuse.

    Quote:
    She is good with the farrier and vet, being clipped, groomed, tied, and stalled. She does need work on bathing.
    List what she's good at, people will ask you how well she bathes and then you can tell them. You don't need to include all her faults in the ad.

    Quote:
    he is up to date on shots, but does not have a coggins as of now.
    You might want to get that coggins, or be prepared to take $$$ off the sales price.

    Quote:
    Flame also could use her teeth done before being ridden in a bridle (I've been riding her in a halter).
    Same here, and I wouldn't say it in the ad, it'll turn more people off than you'll have interested.
    Foxhunter and rideverystride like this.
         
        12-14-2013, 09:50 PM
      #3
    Yearling
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by KylieHuitema    
    UGH! I never knew how hard it is to write a sales ad! Any advice or what to add in/take out?

    I am selling a 10 year old Egyptian Arabian mare by the name of Flame. She is registered under the name of CG Shalimaars Flame, and I do have the papers, they just have to be transferred over. I've owned her for several months, and I have never met such a sweet mare. She would rather be rubbed on than eat! I can see her being an excellent kids horse in the future with a little bit of work, or a great trail partner for a small adult, as she is 14hh. She does have minor arthritis in her hocks, and 2 nasty scars on her legs from a run in with steel. The scars do not affect her in any way. She has been saddled, bridled, lunged, walked down the road and around fields and mounted a couple times. Flame is a very eager learner and catches on to new things incredibly fast! Flame was owned by a man with a short temper, so if she is smacked, even if it's light, she does get scared. What she needs is a patient owner that will go at her speed, not theirs. She is good with the farrier and vet, being clipped, groomed, tied, and stalled. She does need work on bathing. She is up to date on shots, but does not have a coggins as of now. Flame also could use her teeth done before being ridden in a bridle (I've been riding her in a halter). She is located in Zeeland, MI for $500. Message me if interested.
    I think you've written it too much like a story. Ads should be short and sweet. Using the information you've given, (which is good, you've covered everything I can think of!) I'd write -

    "Flame is a 14hh 10 year old Egyptian Arabian mare, registered name CG Shalimaars Flame. She has cosmetic scarring and minor arthritis in her hocks. Would make a brilliant kids horse or small adult trail horse in the future. Has had a saddle and bridle on and been ridden lightly, but needs more work. She is a fast learner so it wouldn't take much to get her going. Currently ridden in a halter.

    Needs a patient and kind owner as was abused in the past and is scared of being smacked. She has a kind personality and loves being cuddled.

    Good with the farrier and vet, being clipped, groomed, tied and has been stabled. Does need more work on bathing. Up to date on all shots but coggins and needs her teeth done."
         
        12-14-2013, 10:05 PM
      #4
    Started
    Yep, too much like a story. I got annoyed not immediately finding the essential information.

    Age
    Breed
    Height
    Gender
    Training
    Vices
         
        12-14-2013, 10:15 PM
      #5
    Yearling
    ACK! I tried modeling the ad off of the others where I will be listing and it seems like everyone's is short stories. Here is my new try:

    Selling a 10 year old, 14hh, Egyptian Arabian mare. Basic groundwork, saddles, bridles, stands for the farrier and vet, stalls, and ties. Currently being ridden in a halter. Has minor arthritis. Would make a great kids or small adults horse. In your pocket attitude, not mare-ish at all. Zeeland, MI. $500.

    It doesn't seem like enough at all. It's the type of ad I get irritated at! It's not enough to get me interested in her, nor want to even give her a thought
         
        12-14-2013, 10:17 PM
      #6
    Yearling
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by alexischristina    

    Was she actually abused? Aka beaten / neglected? If not, I don't think it's something you need to mention in the ad. Again, it can come up later when you're talking about her 'vices' ie: she responds better to verbal reprimands than physical. The way it's worded sounds like an excuse.
    She was hit around a lot and chased with a pitchfork until cornered to be caught. I wouldn't mention it, except for the first and last time I smacked her, she reared and flipped over.
         
        12-15-2013, 12:38 AM
      #7
    Started
    I'm going to change what I said, then. If she's reared and flipped over on you then I would definitely include that in the ad. It might deter people, but that's one thing I refuse to not disclose.
         
        12-15-2013, 01:06 AM
      #8
    Started
    Going back and looking at your ad again I just want to say a couple of things...
    I don't know the full story, but I have owned, ridden and sold a horse with a rearing habit. You SAY it was a one time rear and flip over? It still needs to be mentioned as a very serious and very dangerous vice, I do NOT think you should advertise this mare as a potential kids' horse. Sorry for the double post.
         
        12-15-2013, 05:10 AM
      #9
    Yearling
    Also, I'm confused - has she been ridden? In your rewrite, you said -

    " Basic groundwork, saddles, bridles, stands for the farrier and vet, stalls, and ties."

    That suggests she hasn't been ridden. And then-

    "Currently being ridden in a halter."

    Has she been broken in or not?
         
        12-15-2013, 05:42 AM
      #10
    Green Broke
    A horse with even an unlikely rearing habit will never be suitable for a child. When kids ride and handle horses they can inadvertently hurt the horse, knock it with things, lose their balance and yank, scream and squeal etc. The horse has got to be okay with that to be a kids horse.

    I'd say something like:

    For sale 10 year old Egyptian Arabian mare, registered, 14hh. Basic groundwork, good with farrier and vet, good to tack up. Minor arthritis in hocks. Lovely temperament who will make someone a great little riding horse with some work. Suit gentle experienced owner.

    All the other information you can share when they call you.
         

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