It took me this long to realize that I was, in fact, rushing things. She's a great little horse and I'm sure that I would work well with her, but I just finally realized it would take a lot more time and very hard work than I was wanting to put out right now. I was wanting a horse that would need work but that I could still feel okay to hop on and ride and feel comfortable with them and possibly one that I will be able to put my beginner girlfriend on after awhile of working with my mom's old retired horse. I realized I shouldn't be settling for that much less than what I initially wanted just because I like the horse and know that I could make it work with her and just want to have a horse again already.
I'm just feeling really frustrated with things. I'm still at a point in my life where things are very hard, you know, the same point when a lot of my peers are off being crazy and painfully wreckless and doing things they are going to regret. I'm not one of those people...but really the only reason for that is that I've had horses, they've gotten me and kept me out of a lot of trouble, so I tend to feel extremely out of place and uncomfortable and even depressed when I don't have them. But that's no excuse and I know it, I just need to be smarter about things. I've just been in this situation for way too long and don't handle it well. I just want to get back to the point where I can actually ride spend hours at the barn and be happy, have a nice horse to just hang out with sometimes, go out and groom them for hours and ride around bareback and have fun.
It's frustrating for me to think about waiting hell knows how long to get back to that point again. My price range is very low and my area's horse market seems to be staying decently high, so I rarely come across a horse that fits into what I'm looking for. I only really found one that fit into what I truly want, I came about an inch away from getting to buy her and then she was sold. It took a lot harder toll on me than it should have.
But anyway, I know I shouldn't complain. I just have been very much out of sorts for a very long time now, and the thought of buying this horse really lifted my spirits, I felt like a normal person again, and the moment I realized how bad the idea was it all came crashing back down, and it's not such a great feeling. But anyway, I'll be off pretty soon to go and spend some time with my heart horse, a pony I pretty much outgrew, who lives with a friend who lives way too far away. Hopefully it will help rather than just making me mourn all over again over the fact that he isn't bigger than he is.
But I just figured I should explain myself for the fact that she will have just disappeared all the sudden. Ugh.
I just hope I don't sound like TOO MUCH of a crazy person, it's late and I'm sick and very upset.