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Feeling like nothing is coming together - RANT

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  • My life is a downhill rant
  • "university slum-lord"

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    07-16-2012, 02:27 AM
  #1
Green Broke
Feeling like nothing is coming together - RANT

This is my vent. I tried venting to my mother but she didn't understand so I thought I'd post here.

I feel like the whole horse thing is just not working. I've made some bad decisions but just nothing seems to come together. So this my long complaint and story and if anyone else has frustrations they want to share or advice or criticisms well go ahead please.

It was about 6 years ago (I was 15 - 16) when I put my horse out because of dodgy farrier for a few months, and my 3 year old was too young for proper work and a friend offered me their horse to ride. He seemed wonderful but turned out to be a malicious horse (I think). I was riding him one day and then he just went off on a bucking fit and chucked me and ran off. Anyway I was stuck on crutches for a few weeks, and found out this wasn't the first time he had done this and I wasn't the first person he had hurt. This was when my confidence took a turn because for the first time I couldn't say it was my fault, or that the horse was scared. About six months later I came off my mare, strangely similar circumstances but I don't think she was malicious. I landed on my head and was dizzy for a few days, otherwise okay but I no longer trusted that horse. All of a sudden she was a huge big animal I was a bit afraid of (17hh Clydie cross) and that was the beginning of the end for me and her.

At 17 I sold her and left home and got out of horses, lived in the city and such. And a year or so later my horse passion poked its head up again and I was like yay, horses! I didn't remember my fear, only the fun I had had breaking in my three year old, and with my small funds I bought an unbroken three year old who had apparently had all the lunging/groundwork and was ready for saddle (my username horse!). She wasn't and I put in a good six months of effort but she was highly strung and my confidence was a charade and eventually I gave her away, taking a loss.

So you'd think I'd learned my lesson by now - me = scared of horsies, but I hadn't and I got into it again. I rode a friends horse and it all worked out so I thought I'd get my own. Again, low on funds, got a Standardbred extrotter on a sort of trial lease leading to free ownership. Unbroken three year old but used to trotting tack. Lovely horse, quiet. Then my friend said, hey, do you want to ride my horse, she's quiet but just needs some more experience under saddle. Sounded great, he rode first, I went to get on, hadn't really sat in the saddle when the mare took off bucking insanely, threw me off, I broke my arm, cracked my spine and lost pretty much every shred of confidence I had left. My life went downhill a bit, when I realised none of my friends were real friends and I had to struggle through alone with one working arm for a while. All went okay, but I swore I'd never ride, and gave my gelding back, and went to live overseas for six months.

Of course, after a while I started missing riding, and horses. I've done it most of my life. But this time I thought I'd start slow so I took lessons at the local riding school for a while and started feeling confident again. But then the lessons were boring and the school horse poorly trained and unresponsive and I felt like I was pouring my money away and that I would buy my own horse. I didn't have much money but I started looking, I went to see some good ones and some bad ones and some too expensive or too skinny but eventually someone replied to an ad that I had put up with Rosie. She's a QHxArab, 6 years old, 14.3hh. She'd been out of work for a while but she was broken and pretty calm and quiet. When I went to see her she hadn't been ridden in a year but the owner just jumped on, she was lazy, and needs a lot of work but fine. I rode her too. They took $700 for her (very good price for my area) and then she was mine. I like her a lot. She's the smallest horse I've ever had but even if she mucks around I don't feel intimidated.

I didn't feel confident riding in my dressage saddle so I borrowed one from a friend and rode her maybe 5 times, just walking a little trotting before deciding that the saddle was too small for me (the owner is much smaller) and that I needed to stop riding for a few weeks while I did my exams.

Then after my exams she got kicked in the chest and was out for a few weeks. Then I couldn't find a saddle to ride so that was a few more weeks. And then I got a saddle finally and then it rained for a long while it seemed and now, clear weather, saddle, everything and she's lame. Who knows why, I certainly don't, I imagine paddock shenanigans though.

And today its just like everything has come to a head. I have had her for 3 months and ridden five times, and this has been six years in the making. My thesis is going nowhere and I don't think I even like the topic, my friendships are hollow they're all transient and meaningless, I can't get a job for the life of me and my family lives so far away I barely see them. I'm all alone in this cold, forsaken town in the middle on nowhere and I can't even leave because I am stuck in this lease till November for a house that, since I moved in (about a month and a half ago), has been half flooded with sewerage, lost its power for a few days, had its heating break (still broken), hot water broken, mice all through the kitchen and I swear, though few will believe me, that there are birds living in my walls. My flatmates church is in "Three weeks of mission" which is all very well but I am sick of hearing about sin and death and guilt, and being preached too, and having multiple church people over everyday, which has created a wedge between me and the people who had been my friends.

So where do I go from here?

(I probably should of put this in off topic and made it 2/3 shorter but I didn't)
     
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    07-16-2012, 03:09 AM
  #2
Showing
I stopped reading halfway through.

Girl you're killing yourself on these friends with unsafe horses.. and then financially killing yourself buying unfinished projects.....

You need to fine a been there done that horse or stay in lessons. Of COURSE you're getting hurt and discouraged.. you're setting yourself up for some serious ass kicking butt-in-the-dirt-more-than-the-saddle scenarios!

Find good BROKE BROKE BROKE horses to ride. Get your confidence back.
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    07-16-2012, 03:12 AM
  #3
Green Broke
Seems like youve hit a rut. Try to find a nice dead broke horse and get your confidence back. Run before you walk so to speak.

You keep riding a bunch of half broke half wilies and nothings going to help.

Hope things get better soon
     
    07-16-2012, 03:43 AM
  #4
Yearling
GOSH you've had some rotten luck!

I agree you need to find yourself a well broke horse. If trainings what you love start with something solid and teach it some ground skills or liberty. You could train it cross discipline or even trick training.

If Rosie's seeming to be that but just the rotten luck all you can do is hang in there. Prepare yourself a ground program do if she's sore doesn't have a sadle you still have a goal. I taught Ella soccer when she was recovering from injury I walked she kicked the ball towards me all at walk but she loved it!
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    07-16-2012, 04:25 AM
  #5
Showing
Okay I continued to read on after dinner:
Quote:
My thesis is going nowhere and I don't think I even like the topic, my friendships are hollow they're all transient and meaningless, I can't get a job for the life of me and my family lives so far away I barely see them. I'm all alone in this cold, forsaken town in the middle on nowhere and I can't even leave because I am stuck in this lease till November for a house that, since I moved in (about a month and a half ago), has been half flooded with sewerage, lost its power for a few days, had its heating break (still broken), hot water broken, mice all through the kitchen and I swear, though few will believe me, that there are birds living in my walls. My flatmates church is in "Three weeks of mission" which is all very well but I am sick of hearing about sin and death and guilt, and being preached too, and having multiple church people over everyday, which has created a wedge between me and the people who had been my friends.

So where do I go from here?
I wrote a stupid research paper about chickens and it killed me but I passed and now I'm done with it. You just gotta bite the bullet and get er done!

Friendships.. good ones, are very hard to come by. So sadly they're usually all fairly hollow by default :/ But they can get better if you work on communicating and trying to get deeper with them but sometimes that can't be done and you need to look at your relationships from a different point of view. Sometimes we're too critical or expectant.. you know?

As for job hunting, it's tough out there. You gotta put yourself out there insanely. Constantly.. not to get discouraged when you don't get it.

Being away from family is tough but it's all part of growing up and becoming independent. I'm sure you'll be able to organize something with them soon.

But it sounds like your lease... do you have a land lord that can take care of the problems??

You do need a break though.. any kind of over stimulation like that isn't good for you.

And why has it created a wedge? Something like that shouldn't affect a friendship... :/
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    07-16-2012, 05:22 AM
  #6
Yearling
And I thought I was having a hard time. Hugs ti you. The whole horse thing, stop setting yourself up for failure, there ate too many good ones out there. Take a break, get a job, get the living arrangement figured out, then worry about looking for a good horse.
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    07-16-2012, 06:57 AM
  #7
Green Broke
Yeah I've been away from family for five years but I'm starting to see it's effects now. I have young cousins and they grow up so quick, and things happen and you miss out on the lives of people you care about and it makes you question your priorities.

Rosie, I think, is pretty much as good as I am going to get in my price range. I don't think I could get any better than her for under $3000. I had been looking for something with more experience, even if it was older, but there was nothing around. I kept looking at horses that seemed promising but that weren't anything like described. I was spending a fair bit of money travelling around looking and when she came up, and you could just get on her after a year off, I was pretty happy. She needs more experience and work but she knows the basics, learns quickly and seems pretty quiet so far. Her temperament, combined with her small size, makes me confident enough on her. And I may seem pretty nervous, which I am, but I have been riding since I was a kid and should be able to make something of Rosie. If she'd stop getting hurt it would be helpful though, she just makes trouble with all the other horses and picks fights.

Skye - You wrote a paper about chickens????? Lol, I have to hear about that.

My lease.. landlords are 4000kms away and pretty broke, besides I don't think there is much they can do, the house is older than it looks. They fixed the sewerage, but the rest... I don't know. I plan to leave in November and move closer to my family and study by distance.

The whole friends thing... I moved in with two girls very involved in the church and I gave it a try. I became good friends with them went with them and started hanging out with their friends, as I didn't have many friends left here when I returned from Denmark, this went on for months. I went to church to see what it was like, read some of the bible and discussed it but I didn't agree with many of their stances and interpretations and decided to no longer go. Now they're constantly asking me if I am going to church and bible study, telling me how everyone needs to be saved by the gospel etc. I tell them that I think its great that they are so passionate but that everyone has their own beliefs and opinions and others shouldn't be pushed on it but they are pretty forceful. Their friends are always coming over to do bible readings and get togethers and I just don't feel comfortable around them when they're like that. As their life is based around the church it's becoming harder to maintain a friendship with them.

I feel like my life is like a house of cards. I look closer and there is nothing there. Everything I wanted to do and be has changed, and the things that I thought were important to me, my relationships with others, seem to have no real place in my life. I feel like I am living a facade.

Has anyone been through this?

Does anyone know of any good trainers/books to help with some more groundwork stuff? She's good with the basic yielding hindquarters, lunging, backing etc but some more stuff that I can get her doing while I wait for her to get better?
     
    07-16-2012, 08:18 AM
  #8
Weanling
Oh dear... Sorry you're having a rough go. We've all been there, leaving home is hard.
Thesis: don't worry about it too much - that's normal. While I was writing mine I thought it was so stupid. The main thing these teach you is not really about the research, but to keep working on a larger project and finish it. Hating it is part of the process :).

Horse: looks like you're doing fine there, and sounds like you made a good catch with Rosie. Just be patient, and you'll ride again in no time. Maybe join a horse club or something, or start training with people from the barn you're boarding at, go to shows, etc. That's a great way to meet people, too.

Friends: that's probably the hardest one. Look at it this way: you've been moving around a lot, so it's been hard tomaintain meaningful relationships. Starting somewhere new is always hard, but if you don't put yourself out there no one will know you're looking. Join clubs, go to meetings, meet a s***load of people. Doesn't mean everyone has to become a close friend. But only if you know many people you can be selective about who you want to associate yourself with. That way you'll also have to spend less time at home. It's summer - go outside! :)

You sound like you've done a lot and got many things accomplished in the last years. And I truly believe
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    07-16-2012, 09:45 AM
  #9
Weanling
This isn't a permanent spot you're in. You already have plans to change it. Just think about how much better things are going to be - this time next year all this will be through. I know that's a long time away, but try to focus on the future and how happy you'll be when this rough patch is over.
     
    07-16-2012, 11:39 AM
  #10
Started
Saskia, I am guessing you are in your early twenties. It sounds like you are living my life from oh three years ago. School is getting you down, don't have or can't find a good horse, far from family and living with the religious. Don't worry it can get better!

With the horse, either commit to finding an older horse ie mid teens, who has some miles on it. Or relax, and focus on working this one through her habits. Remember the horse is a stress reliever not a job.

The house and house mates. I have been there. I had a friend who gave me a bible. His words were "I am not trying to convert you but I think this book would change your life". Yeah, that's trying to convert me. I know someone whose roommate would leave a bible on her pillow whenever she spent the night at her boyfriends. You can either try to meet new people or just grin and bear it for a little while. You don't have to stop being friends with them but sometimes a little distance can save a friendship. I would also suggest looking for a new apartment. It sounds like its a university slum lord you are dealing with. They don't put in repair time because university students will just destroy it. That can be a challenge with often low pay and high tuition.

The thesis. I am guessing you are around 1/2 to 3/4 of the way done. If you hate your thesis at this time, you hate the topic and you hate academia then congratulations you are probably doing a really good job of your thesis. Keep up the work on it. It is no fun but grit your teeth and get it done.

When I start to feel stressed about how strange my life has turned out. I am in my late twenties living at home, getting a second bachelors that will allow me to get a job. Doing this because my first bachelors is actually totally impractical in the real live world. I felt like I was the only one but nearly everyone in my program at school is in the same boat. It sounds like you are in the mid twenties freak out. You are closing out one degree and realizing that your life is much different then how you expected it to be. Don't worry its normal. Calm down (seriously take a day or a night and just pamper yourself), make a list of what you love to do, what you hate and what you can tolerate. Start moving from there. Trust me you are probably many things but you are not alone in this.
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