Feeling like nothing is coming together - RANT
This is my vent. I tried venting to my mother but she didn't understand so I thought I'd post here.
I feel like the whole horse thing is just not working. I've made some bad decisions but just nothing seems to come together. So this my long complaint and story and if anyone else has frustrations they want to share or advice or criticisms well go ahead please.
It was about 6 years ago (I was 15 - 16) when I put my horse out because of dodgy farrier for a few months, and my 3 year old was too young for proper work and a friend offered me their horse to ride. He seemed wonderful but turned out to be a malicious horse (I think). I was riding him one day and then he just went off on a bucking fit and chucked me and ran off. Anyway I was stuck on crutches for a few weeks, and found out this wasn't the first time he had done this and I wasn't the first person he had hurt. This was when my confidence took a turn because for the first time I couldn't say it was my fault, or that the horse was scared. About six months later I came off my mare, strangely similar circumstances but I don't think she was malicious. I landed on my head and was dizzy for a few days, otherwise okay but I no longer trusted that horse. All of a sudden she was a huge big animal I was a bit afraid of (17hh Clydie cross) and that was the beginning of the end for me and her.
At 17 I sold her and left home and got out of horses, lived in the city and such. And a year or so later my horse passion poked its head up again and I was like yay, horses! I didn't remember my fear, only the fun I had had breaking in my three year old, and with my small funds I bought an unbroken three year old who had apparently had all the lunging/groundwork and was ready for saddle (my username horse!). She wasn't and I put in a good six months of effort but she was highly strung and my confidence was a charade and eventually I gave her away, taking a loss.
So you'd think I'd learned my lesson by now - me = scared of horsies, but I hadn't and I got into it again. I rode a friends horse and it all worked out so I thought I'd get my own. Again, low on funds, got a Standardbred extrotter on a sort of trial lease leading to free ownership. Unbroken three year old but used to trotting tack. Lovely horse, quiet. Then my friend said, hey, do you want to ride my horse, she's quiet but just needs some more experience under saddle. Sounded great, he rode first, I went to get on, hadn't really sat in the saddle when the mare took off bucking insanely, threw me off, I broke my arm, cracked my spine and lost pretty much every shred of confidence I had left. My life went downhill a bit, when I realised none of my friends were real friends and I had to struggle through alone with one working arm for a while. All went okay, but I swore I'd never ride, and gave my gelding back, and went to live overseas for six months.
Of course, after a while I started missing riding, and horses. I've done it most of my life. But this time I thought I'd start slow so I took lessons at the local riding school for a while and started feeling confident again. But then the lessons were boring and the school horse poorly trained and unresponsive and I felt like I was pouring my money away and that I would buy my own horse. I didn't have much money but I started looking, I went to see some good ones and some bad ones and some too expensive or too skinny but eventually someone replied to an ad that I had put up with Rosie. She's a QHxArab, 6 years old, 14.3hh. She'd been out of work for a while but she was broken and pretty calm and quiet. When I went to see her she hadn't been ridden in a year but the owner just jumped on, she was lazy, and needs a lot of work but fine. I rode her too. They took $700 for her (very good price for my area) and then she was mine. I like her a lot. She's the smallest horse I've ever had but even if she mucks around I don't feel intimidated.
I didn't feel confident riding in my dressage saddle so I borrowed one from a friend and rode her maybe 5 times, just walking a little trotting before deciding that the saddle was too small for me (the owner is much smaller) and that I needed to stop riding for a few weeks while I did my exams.
Then after my exams she got kicked in the chest and was out for a few weeks. Then I couldn't find a saddle to ride so that was a few more weeks. And then I got a saddle finally and then it rained for a long while it seemed and now, clear weather, saddle, everything and she's lame. Who knows why, I certainly don't, I imagine paddock shenanigans though.
And today its just like everything has come to a head. I have had her for 3 months and ridden five times, and this has been six years in the making. My thesis is going nowhere and I don't think I even like the topic, my friendships are hollow they're all transient and meaningless, I can't get a job for the life of me and my family lives so far away I barely see them. I'm all alone in this cold, forsaken town in the middle on nowhere and I can't even leave because I am stuck in this lease till November for a house that, since I moved in (about a month and a half ago), has been half flooded with sewerage, lost its power for a few days, had its heating break (still broken), hot water broken, mice all through the kitchen and I swear, though few will believe me, that there are birds living in my walls. My flatmates church is in "Three weeks of mission" which is all very well but I am sick of hearing about sin and death and guilt, and being preached too, and having multiple church people over everyday, which has created a wedge between me and the people who had been my friends.
So where do I go from here?
(I probably should of put this in off topic and made it 2/3 shorter but I didn't)