This is going to sound quite pathetic. But whenever something comes up that gives me the opportunity to go back to the barn I've been working at, or just another barn in general, I get myself all worked up and apprehensive, and worried that something awful is going to happen. Obviously horses are such an unpredictable animal and if anything happens I can't blame myself unless it is blatantly obvious that it was my fault, like I wasn't paying attention or didn't do something that that I know I should have done.
Anyway, things have happened, although not my fault, that have actually made me reconsider just staying away from this barn completely. One thing that happened was I brought a horse in that was briefly turned out in the covered arena the BO has right outside the main barn. I took her in and she got very cautious, I guess because the lights were off in the barn? It wasn't like her to do that and she's never done it before. I had her on the cross ties right by the open doors that led to the arena and when I turned around to go flick the barn lights on, next thing I know she gets herself completely out of the crossties (halter and all) and runs to the arena. I didn't even get close enough to the lights to turn them on before she got loose. I actually got really upset over it and the BO was like "Seriously, that is not a big deal at all and obviously wasn't something you did wrong. This whole thing is a learning experience for you and you can't let a horse breaking lose get you upset." Which she is right. It's not like I let the horse get loose and she ran onto the street or something.
Things like that make me not want to be there. I also hate dealing with the fields which is my main source of apprehensiveness (they're not even fields, they're mud/dirt piles). Obviously you're going to have horses all running to the gate to all get out at once, and of the course the horse I need to take into the barn is all the way in the back of the field not budging. I end up getting frustrated and telling the BO I don't want to do the fields. Recently, I had to get a workplace set up for career study and just asked her if I could do it there since I did it last minute (I would have honestly liked to go somewhere else just to get into something new that I would like to actually learn about-instructing lessons is not my forte), and told her through facebook-but will do so in person too-that I want to come during lessons, which she is absolutely fine with-and want absolutely nothing to do with the fields. If there is a lesson horse turned out, someone else can get it. I know I'll have to deal with fields eventually but something about her fields just works me up to the point where I actually worry for days on end before I actually have to go. In the end, nobody went to the hospital, and after a bit I actually got more used to the fields except for one in particular I really never liked from the get-go. I actually ended up inflaming an old foot injury because of an issue I had with that particular field. But I won't get into that.
Sorry, I'm just rambling now. That was more of a rant that I needed to get out if anything. I have to be at the barn in 3 hours which will probably get here pretty quick.
I don't know, I feel like if I went and worked somewhere else (there is a small dressage barn about 45 mins from me with max maybe 6-7 horses? Was also considering a tack shop about 5 mins from my house) I would be more relaxed and excited to go. Right now I'm not excited at all. In fact I'm the total opposite.
My mom has pretty much given up on what to say to me. She's told me before, "find another barn, find another field of study to work in that doesn't deal with horses personally" and my favorite "have you considered any other interests?" I have plenty of barns to choose from within a 30-45 minute radius. I was actually at this dressage barn before when I wanted to take dressage lessons (but ended up being $100/lesson and she wanted me there at least 3 days a week), and use it for my career study too. I feel like I would have enjoyed the much smaller atmosphere better. Not a lot of horses, small property with miles of trails nearby, and just a relaxing atmosphere. May I also add that the horses there were quite lovely too? But trust me when I say my mom is 110% the biggest supporter of my love of horses, but has ran out of things to say which I can't blame her for.
Granted, this career study program is only about 3 1/2 weeks and will probably be over before I know it. I actually graduate high school the week after CS ends. Plus I will only be there from 3-6pm and if I'm grooming, tacking up lesson ponies, and working with the younger kids during lessons, I will be perfectly happy. As long as I don't have to deal with the field. Also, the pony in my avatar-Spencer-is the most adorable and fun pony ever so that is one of the only positives of going back.
I guess I'm also nervous about her reaction in person. Over facebook she seemed fine when I straight out told her, but for some reason I get all worried like she's going to knock my teeth in if I tell her. She's not like that at all. She's the sweetest and kindest trainer I've had the pleasure of knowing since I was nine. She apparently talked to my mom when my mom came to "visit" one day (really I had her there because I was only going to be there for a short time and didn't see it necessary for her to drive all the way home just to pick me up 45 minutes later), and the BO was telling my mom, which my mom told me, that it saddens her to see my confidence level drop so much, and how I would message the BO things like me wanting to ride in big shows like Devon and then I never pursued it further. Do I regret not pursuing it further? Absolutely. But Devon isn't going anywhere and I know I will compete there one day.
Sorry I ranted even more.
I guess it's just a fear I need to get over. Which is what my mom said. This is what I love to do-ride and be around horses. For a while, all I said was "if I had my own horse I wouldn't be nervous and would just go to another more convenient barn." but realizing now that anything can happen at any barn. Just look at the TB mare that threw me off in the summer of 2011. If anything that definitely knocked my confidence level to about a 2 out of 10. Which was one incident that was the owner's fault that I had no idea would happen. Before that, I was all "Yay put me on big fast horses!" now I'm like "eh, can I start out on a little 14.1 hand pony please?" and not even having the confidence to canter. This is coming from the person who leased an ex-racehorse and all I wanted to do was canter! Boy was it a fun canter too!
GAH more ranting! I'm done.