Thank you both for the replies. I guess I feel frustrated as I was riding and now I've gone backwards. Although when I was riding back in the UK I was constantly fighting my nerves and was always pretty stressed about riding. I was spending everyday on the ground with my girl, then helping a friend up at her riding school so my days were pretty full on full of horses.
What I find the most frustrating is I'm an experienced horse person, and when I had my accident I was training my own 5 year old Irish Draught for winter dressage championships, I had retrained ex-racers and I rode problem horses for people. I feel like I've had my life stole out from under me. In my mind there is all this experience and then when I get on a horse I turn into a jibbering wreck who acts like a total beginner.
I don't know if everyone has seen this video:
but this is pretty much what the horse did to me, expect it landed on me and then when getting up double barrelled me in the stomach. As well as breaking my back I had spinal compression, internal bleeding and bruising to my liver and kidneys. I was also pregnant with my daughter at the time, who luckily is fine and nearly 3 now. As soon as it happened I knew I couldn't feel my legs but I was in so much pain I didn't really care at the time. When I got to hospital and they did tests and confirmed I was paralysed from the waist down. They told me they had no idea if it was permanent or not and luckily it wasn't and one morning I woke up with my right leg in a different place. I'd moved it during the night and knew it was going to be ok. I was very lucky to be able to walk again and physically I am just left with low grade back pain everyday.
I didn't even know the horse that did it was a problem horse. I watched it being schooled and then got on and asked for a walk. The owner wanted to send it to me for retraining and I said I would come have a look to taking her on and working with her once I'd had my daughter.
I have looked up stables and horse rescues(something I'm very passionate about) here but I just feel so lost. I don't know where I should go, I feel too nervous to go and look at places and although i would love to volunteer at a rescue the nearest one I found was an hour away.
My husband says I should take it easy and give up, but it's my life.
I never thought about a therapeutic riding centre, I'll try and look one up. I think the next stage is to see a doctor and try and get my anxiety treated as it's affecting my daily life(I'm not sleeping and am having regular panic attacks and night terrors when I do sleep), not just riding and see if it really is PTSD and go from there.