(apologies for not replying to this sooner, my computer had a terrible virus and had to be sent away to have everything wiped including my external ...yikes!)
Thanks so much for the replies everyone. It really helps to know that other people have/had this same confidence problem as I do. I'm clearly not the only one!
Since I posted this I have been back in the saddle another 4 times, and it seems some days are really good and others I am all nervous again. I am so much better with being able to handle my mare on the ground though, but there are times when I just get scared over literally nothing. Last week I had a really awesome ride and stayed on for about 20 minutes and even did some trotting, just on the lunge though, at this point I just will not go off it
but slowly, very slowly, I feel like I am making some form of progress. Last night I was a bundle of nerves again, even though I trotted I felt SO nervous the entire time, such a change from the other night. And then something like 4 nights ago my trainer got me to hop on double bareback with her and of course Beverley was amazing so my trainer hops off and I rode around for a minute on my own.
I'm getting there, but soooo slowly. Like stuck in traffic that sometimes moves forward and sometimes sits still haha
But the replies really do help so much, I agree we really should have a forum for people with confidence issues it helps to talk about it!