So... I have a thread in the horse health forum, but it's not really about horse health... anymore at least. If you haven't read that thread, here's an update.
My filly was colicking (sp?) and it took 3 hours or maybe it was two and a half, I don't know for sure, for the vet to get here. Anyway, she's only two, and she and I had this bond. Like, we just... Clicked. From the moment I first saw her. She'd never been handled before and she came right up to me and let me pet her. And when she was colicking, and her legs would give out from the pain, and I cried and begged her to get back up, she would, just because I asked. If I didn't ask her to, she would lay there. Poor baby. Anyway, her gut was twisted and I had to make the hardest decision of my life. I told the vet to put her down, and my dad wanted to keep trying, but she couldn't breathe anymore and I was just screaming at the vet to hurry and give her the shot before she suffocated and it was effing awful. I'm crying just typing this. And then she fell and she kept putting her head in my lap and just smelling me. GOD. And I was bawling and I kept hugging her until she was gone, but then her body just kept... Like, I don't know, twitching or something. But for some reason it didn't even bother me, because as soon as she was gone I just felt... I don't know, Like so calm. And peaceful. But as soon as I went inside it was gone, and I couldn't sleep at all last night for crying. SHE WAS ONLY TWO! WHY?!?! She was so great..... And then my dad was worried that she might have eaten something that all the other horses might get, so he wanted to do like an autotopsy, and so he and the vet cut her open, I guess. I didn't watch. But I did tell him it was fine, because I don't want to loose any of the others. But still, just imagining that... It makes me shudder. And I cut off some of her mane, but every time I look at it, I just start bawling. She suffered the whole time it took the vet to get there, but she just kept walking with me. ****. Why???
Anyway, I could probably just use some coping tips or something right now. I can't even think about it or I cry. So during the day I have to face the world, so I just ball up all the grief to deal with later, when I'm alone. And I feel like it should feel so wrong, but I am already setting up a time to go look at fillies, because I feel like.... I dunno, like there's this void that I have to fill before it consumes me or something. I think another filly would help that, but is that way wrong to do after just losing Flair? I don't even feel guilty, but it's just so soon. Like maybe I should feel guilty? I don't know.
Kudos to you if you made it all the way through my novel. *weak attempt at smile*