how to stop missing this horse its been 4 mths ? - The Horse Forum
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post #1 of 12 Old 04-06-2014, 10:18 AM Thread Starter
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how to stop missing this horse its been 4 mths ?

Its been nearly four months since my old mare left to b a paddock companion.

I cry about her many times each week 3 times to 7 days per week. Exspecially before I go to bed. I think about her every day, and it doesn't help to have photos of her in my room, but if I take them down I'll feel guilty.

I promised her I would always keep her n that she would always have me.

I feel x tremely guilty and there is more to the story.

If I had listened to myself we would have done only groundwork ages ago, I strongly felt like she had soundness issues but off course other ppl are right and not me. Well I learn u know more about Ur horse not others who have never owned the horse.

I have a nice horse to ride and he never showed any behavior problems yet I want my unridable sensitive horse back. I wanted to do groundwork to have that connection i had,and I don't feel like I have it I can't like this horse which likes me more than I like it, because I want my mare back and if I had the money to have lots of horses I'd get her back and I would do what I was doing before.

I trusted her so much and she trusted me she was so calm every one said how calm she was on the ground.she was the same horse in season and out of season .

Maybe I just like mares better ? But this is ridic. She just stared at me as I left her. It makes me so sad I'm crying more for her than any one dying. I'm crying like some ones died and that connection died.

I'm never ever giving or selling a horse I have ever had ever because its like apart of u dying and gone, just a memory and it kills me to think that she's out there and I'm not with her.

I love this horse more than family, there not much to compared to her any way.
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post #2 of 12 Old 04-06-2014, 03:08 PM
Join Date: Aug 2012
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I'm sorry you are going through this. With time you will come to love your new horse just as much. While he may never replace your will eventually form a bond with him. It does take time.

Can you go visit your mare?
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post #3 of 12 Old 04-06-2014, 04:07 PM
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This will sound harsh, I know...but I really do know where you're coming from.

Its time to move on. I know you miss your mare, and its ok to miss her, but you can't let that get in the way of you bonding with and enjoying horses, and you can't let it hurt you by making you so upset that you cry three times a day every day.

How do you move on? That isn't so simple. It is something you'll probably have to figure out for yourself. You may need to take photos out of your room over her for a while. You may need to just sort of let her go and accept that she's with someone else now. It hurts, and its not fun, but its what you have to do to feel better.

I sold my mare and my filly and nearly the same time last November and I've been horseless, completely, for about 4 months as well. The mare I'd known and trained since she was 7 months old, and she was 5 at the time (turns 6 this month actually). The filly, I rehabbed from starvation and felt extremely bonded to. I poured my life out into those two. Letting them go was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I knew they were going to good homes, and the mare was going to love her new job. I knew the filly's new owner would love her and care for her the way she deserved, and even better than I ever could.

But that doesn't make it hurt less. I chose to step out of the horse world for a few months after selling them so that I could 'deal' with it better. It felt like it helped me, because I didn't think of them much, but when I got back into horses by chance (I sort of had a project dumped on a friend and I), I realized just how much I still miss them. I never really cried over Kenzie, my filly, leaving...not even when she was obviously scared to get on the trailer and leave me, but this week has been hard when I've seen and worked with horses that aren't mine, and I remember what it was like to have her. I can't bear to look at pictures right now, because they make me wishful for things I can't have.

What I have had to do, is tell myself that it is out of my control now. I can't do anything about her any more and I need to just trust, hope, and pray that she'll be cared for correctly and lead a wonderful life. It doesn't make me STOP missing her, but it sort of makes me come to terms with reality, and open myself up to be willing to make friends with new horses.

Maybe that is what you need to do. You aren't betraying your mare by liking this gelding, and you need to recognize that every horse is going to express itself differently and bond with you differently. Some may take a while for you to 'get' them. Thats how my first mare was, whereas with my filly, you just couldn't help but love her. Look for the good things about your gelding, and don't wish that he was worse behaved that he is. He's a good boy in his own right. I think if you open up to accept him for what he is, you'll find it a lot easier to like him.

Everyone in your life is meant to
be in your journey, but not all of
them are meant to stay till the end.
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post #4 of 12 Old 04-07-2014, 01:34 AM
Join Date: Jul 2013
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Endiku has some good advice.
It takes time.
Maybe instead of just taking her photos down, create a really nice album of memories of her. It can be kind of cathartic to go through all of the photos and remember them and create something dedicated to them. But them you can put it to one side and look at it when you feel you need to, without having to confront photos every time you go in your room.
Hope you are feeling better soon
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post #5 of 12 Old 04-07-2014, 10:56 AM
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I feel sorry for you, not that you are missing your horse as much as you think more of your horse than you do of your family members.

You just have to move on. End of the story, she is gone to new owners and that was your decision.

It is never easy with animals, I do not know of anyone who, selecting a puppy, ever thinks, "I will have you for 10 - 15 years and then you will be sent over the bridge."

It is the same with horses only, with luck for a few more years.

To my thinking you are feeling sorry for yourself and that is never a good thing.

Be more positive.

This might be harsh but it is the truth.
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post #6 of 12 Old 04-07-2014, 11:24 AM
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You made a promise to the horse to always keep it but the horse didn't know that as you speak a different language. She wasn't staring at you as you left, just perhaps watching and wondering if you'd return with treats. You let her go with the idea she'd have a good home. If you miss her so much why not try to get her back?
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post #7 of 12 Old 04-07-2014, 11:26 AM
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Hang in there! TIME is the only thing that can ease the pain.
While you are mourning your mare this much, you will find it hard to connect with another horse right now. Don't feel guilty about that but don't stop trying.
I've lost several horses and several dogs and each time I asked myself if it is worth the heartbreak (down the line) to get another one. Funny thing is, it really does help to move onto another animal when you are ready.
In the meantime, just remember how happy she is as a pasture companion, it's a safe, relaxing way to retire. We should all be so lucky!!
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post #8 of 12 Old 04-07-2014, 11:51 AM
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Time eases the pain, but it sounds almost as if you're hanging on to the pain of losing her as a way to keep her in your mind. You may be worried that if you let go, you'll forget about her or somehow be letting her down when you really did not. If she needed to go live her life in someone's pasture as a pet, then that's what you let her do. Not every horse needs to be worked and battled through their demons to make them live the life you envision for them- some of them just need to go live their lives and not be constantly pestered to conform to the wishes of humans.

The thing with animals is that sometimes, you've got to let them go for the good of both you and the animal. I had to give up a dog I dearly loved because I was getting divorced, and she was going to be home all day long for 10 hours at a shot with no company. It was not a good place for her to be. I still miss her every day but I take comfort in knowing she is in a MUCH better situation now. She was adopted by a family with a huge house, two other little dogs, and they treat their dogs like their kids. I've gotten pictures of her playing and snuggling with these other dogs and I know I did the right thing by letting her go.

You can love an animal to the moon and back, but if the situation is not the best for either you or the animal, hanging on tooth and nail is not always the best thing for either of you to do.

If you can, go and visit her and see that she's happy and healthy. I think sometimes it's a hard lesson to know that an animal can be okay and happy when they are not with us or under our supervision. This is because it's not easy to identify when you're worried about the horse, or hurt because your own ego is bruised.

Horses don't speak human, and horses don't make promises to one another. As long as she is in a good place where she is fed, cared for, and able to be a horse with other horses, she's got everything she needs.
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post #9 of 12 Old 04-07-2014, 01:04 PM
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I understand why you're feeling the way you are - because when I was your age I went through a time in my life when my pony meant more to me than my family. I have a friend that's in her 60's who has no family and her horses definitely feel like family to her because they are why she gets out of bed every morning.
I won't say that you will ever forget her or stop caring but it will start to get easier as the days go by.
We can't help being the way we are and I know for a fact that if my husband started reminiscing about a few of his long gone favourites he'd soon start to get 'misty eyed'
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post #10 of 12 Old 04-09-2014, 08:14 AM Thread Starter
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Could some one inbox me I know why I am driving myself into a rage of guilt about it and want to know how I could forgive myself.
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The foolish reject what they see, not what they think,
The wise reject what they think, not what they see.
-Huang Po
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