I'm not sure what to think about your situation. I personally feel that you should use very gentle hands when handling your horses reins whenever possible, however, I will ask my horse, then tell him and then rip his face off if he chooses to ignore me. I have ripped at my horses face several times. I may get some criticism for even saying this, but there has been a couple of times where my horse bolted...he didn't listen, so I ripped his face off, he decided one day that he would ignore all cues to move off the arena gate...ripped his face off, and even a time or two, he decide he wanted to buck while I was mounting......ripped his face off. In every scenario I mentioned, I meant to cause him pain. He weighs 915 lbs, I weigh a heck of a lot less...I won't hesitate to use my reins/tack as leverage.
As far as the water goes, when my horse has had a really hard workout, I let him cool off before he gets anything.
My question is, how does this girls horses look? Are they healthy? If they are healthy, then you shouldn't be making statements implying that they aren't getting proper care.
That doesn't mean, however, that she is the best person to be helping you with your horses. If you need professional help, then hire a professional.