I feel done...I just don't want to be
I feel like my mare is just too much for me. I've rode and battled myself for two years now, and though honestly, I have improved exponentially and things are MUCH better than they were a year ago, I'm still not completely comfortable and confident.
She's not particularly spooky-a normal amount, I'd say-she is just very reactive and prone to anxiety, and we are SO sensitive to each other. I'd swear she can read my mind. I barely have to give her a cue, and she'll do what I want. With me being as cautious and nervous as I am, this does not help anything.
I know not a single thing is her fault. After all, when we bought her from the trainer, she was as well behaved and quiet as you could possibly want. Everything is my fault, and I'm sick of not being able to set it right.
Last year I thought all the time about selling her, and after a mediocre ride yesterday, I began considering it again. I love this mare, she is a total sweetheart and well-behaved, and on the ground she's quiet enough that a child could handle her. She is just simply TOO MUCH HORSE for me, and I don't have the confidence to make her improve.
I don't want to sell her, but it's not because: "She's my baby and I would never leave her!" but because I want to learn and figure out how to solve this problem. I really hate giving up-I want to find a solution, not run from my troubles. The only thing is, I can't do it alone.
I used to take lessons from an instructor, but I had to stop going this summer because I am going on a really expensive school trip this fall and we don't have the money for both. That instructor taught me a lot, but, no offense at all to her, she teaches you to ride, and that's it. It's not like I could ask for a lesson to take it slow paced and ask her to help me raise my confidence, because that's not what she does.
The trainer who we bought my mare from gave me lessons when I first got her, and those lessons were some of the only times I truly felt in control and confident. I don't know why, though, but my dad never wanted me to take lessons from her. I'd always ask if we could switch from the instructor to her and he'd just say: "Finish the year with the instructor, and then we'll see". And we never saw. I never went to her. I know that trainer works quite a bit, but surely she'd have time to give me a half hour or hour lesson once a week?
I just am feeling sick of it, and not being able to progress. If I sold her, and only had our finished, super quiet and ridiculously easy pony to ride, I bet I would feel more relaxed and confident, but that would get really boring. It's because of this mare that I have learned so much and am so far advanced (in riding, not in confidence), and I know that if I could figure out how to proceed with this horse, I would learn so much more. I just don't know how to do it..