So...It's My Fault?
...might be able to sympathize. (Just a note, you probably should read it now, because this is mostly about my dad)
Well, now that you all know the extent of my dads...incapability...youll understand why I get angry when, every time we go out somewhere and the conversation changes to horses, he'll start talking about his. And not just talking and saying "yeah, I've got a team", but just painting a great tale of how experienced, and steady and calm and well-trained they are. Like, just tonight he was telling another guy about his "new" team (which havent been hitched, or even been out of their effing field since May, btw) and he was saying how they've (*allegedly*) plowed, and cut hay, and all that old fashioned sort of stuff. Yeah, well, they may have done all that in a previous life, but with you all they've been is spooky, excited, ridiculous, and threatening to run away every time you hitch them. All the real horse guys and farmers around here know dad, and know better than to believe that, so its not them that I care about. Its everyone that hasnt seen him with his horses or seen him in one of his angry rages, and the thing that really ticks me off is that they believe him. So its not like I can just scream: "no! No he's lying!" and be an insolent little child, but...i don't know. It just sort of grinds my gears that he takes credit for something that he so thoroughly fails at. Hence why, whenever I try to explain something about our horses that contradicts what he said, its him people believe first, not me, and im just thrown aside as the stupid adolescent girl who's just hormonal and thinks she knows everything.
And I don't want to blame him for everything, because a lot of the time he is a really good father, but its-partly, at least because of him that i'm afraid of heavy horses. I just don't know what it is-maybe the size-but I just get really nervous around any sort of draft horse, and I honestly don't know if I'll ever be able to overcome that fear. Even when his horse friends insist on me driving or being with their teams (which are all perfectly quiet and gentle and give me no reason to fear them) I still am really...scared. Im just always waiting for something to set them off, and for them to bolt and run into a ditch or a car or something....
Im sorry if my rantings are unintelligible..it's hard to speak properly when you're upset..