I'm 21 and have ridden my entire life, both English and Western. I used to really enjoy hunter/jumper, but had a really bad fall and lost all of my confidence, and pretty much had to start from square one. That happened 8 years ago and every time I tried to seriously pursue getting back into it, I would throw the towel in and give up, so now I am extremely rusty and will probably never be back to where I was. Just being back to square one makes me extremely disappointed in myself and makes me feel like a terrible rider. I also feel that I am too old to start all over and to get back into showing. I was really enjoying just riding around at home and practicing going over little cross rails, but for some reason I rapidly lost interest in that and practically had to force myself to ride and convince myself that I actually enjoyed it. I began giving riding lessons for a little extra money that same year and found that I enjoyed helping others learn much more than I enjoyed riding, and that saddened me that something I used to be so excited about and looked forward to I now can't enjoy anymore. I guess I focus too much on my riding level and expect too much out of myself, and then become disappointed when I can't achieve what I want in the amount of time I want. I feel like I am a laughing stock because I am pretty much back to being at beginner's level at 21 and that I am too old and have too many miles to be that bad at it. My equitation is absolutely horrid and I was never great to begin with (only jumping 2' at the time of my accident), and I just feel so bad about myself.
I really wish I was like I used to be. I knew I wasn't the best, but I didn't care and was willing to do all of the hard work needed to get to where I wanted to be. I didn't care what anyone else thought of me, because I was happy with myself and my riding, and I very much enjoyed it. I don't know what changed, but I'm way too concerned with my riding level and what other people think of me now. I always feel like people are silently judging me and laughing at me, probably due to the fact that when I took a break after my accident and trail rode to regain my confidence, some of the people that frequented the campground I stayed at to trail ride made fun of me, my horses, my riding, and anything else they could.
When I went to that campground, I was laughed at for being primarily an English rider, then eventually because I started trail riding in my English saddle (it is more comfortable for me, especially considering that I have a history of hip and knee problems and and the free swinging stirrups are easier on my knees). It wasn't in a jokingly way either, rather in a malicious way. I was also told that my horse was a worthless piece of s*** and a nag, my riding skills were insulted (I wanted to try a running martingale on one of my horses to see how it worked and was attacked for using it because "if you really knew how to ride you wouldn't need that tie-down", among various other things), my swaybacked rescue was called ugly and got "ew" comments, I was told that I was a fair weather rider because I can't comfortably ride for more than an hour and a half at a time due to my hips and knees (and why keep riding if you're in pain? It's supposed to be fun), told that I should trade my "old nags" for gaited horses that "are actually worth something" (keep in mind that my rescue was gaited and I also have another gaited horse, but I also have three non-gaited horses), told that English riders are prissy b***** who can't ride, talked down to and told that I know nothing about horses, and attacked for using a breastplate because apparently that restricts a horse's movement (it wasn't on too tightly or anything). I was also present when these people laughed at a beginning rider and told him that he has no place on a horse and should just quit trying, as well as when they said someone's horse should've been shot in the head when he was born. I know I shouldn't let what they said about and towards me get to me since they obviously do it to everyone, but it really put a dent in my confidence and now I always feel like I am being judged by other horse people and that they are laughing at me behind my back, although it really shouldn't matter.
Now I don't want to even be seen on a horse in fear of judgment from others and I feel nothing but stress if I try to use the public trails. I don't know if it just brings back bad memories, if I'm just outgrowing horses (I hope not, because I really love my horses and I am still very interested in everything horse-related, I just can't enjoy riding anymore), or if my confidence is just that low. I'm starting to care less about what people think, but it seems like sometimes people in the horse community can be extremely harsh and unforgiving, and especially judgmental. I know it's not limited to the horse community, but it's where I've experienced this kind of stuff the most (well, that and junior high school). I can't handle all of the cliques, drama, and bullying. Sadly, I'm also too nice of a person to stand up for myself sometimes and just try to avoid confrontation and conflict if at all possible.
Sorry for the book, I sometimes get carried away. Has anyone else dealt with this and does anyone have any ideas as to why I might feel so worried about what others think and why it is affecting my love for riding? Thank you in advance.
I really wish I was like I used to be. I knew I wasn't the best, but I didn't care and was willing to do all of the hard work needed to get to where I wanted to be. I didn't care what anyone else thought of me, because I was happy with myself and my riding, and I very much enjoyed it. I don't know what changed, but I'm way too concerned with my riding level and what other people think of me now. I always feel like people are silently judging me and laughing at me, probably due to the fact that when I took a break after my accident and trail rode to regain my confidence, some of the people that frequented the campground I stayed at to trail ride made fun of me, my horses, my riding, and anything else they could.
When I went to that campground, I was laughed at for being primarily an English rider, then eventually because I started trail riding in my English saddle (it is more comfortable for me, especially considering that I have a history of hip and knee problems and and the free swinging stirrups are easier on my knees). It wasn't in a jokingly way either, rather in a malicious way. I was also told that my horse was a worthless piece of s*** and a nag, my riding skills were insulted (I wanted to try a running martingale on one of my horses to see how it worked and was attacked for using it because "if you really knew how to ride you wouldn't need that tie-down", among various other things), my swaybacked rescue was called ugly and got "ew" comments, I was told that I was a fair weather rider because I can't comfortably ride for more than an hour and a half at a time due to my hips and knees (and why keep riding if you're in pain? It's supposed to be fun), told that I should trade my "old nags" for gaited horses that "are actually worth something" (keep in mind that my rescue was gaited and I also have another gaited horse, but I also have three non-gaited horses), told that English riders are prissy b***** who can't ride, talked down to and told that I know nothing about horses, and attacked for using a breastplate because apparently that restricts a horse's movement (it wasn't on too tightly or anything). I was also present when these people laughed at a beginning rider and told him that he has no place on a horse and should just quit trying, as well as when they said someone's horse should've been shot in the head when he was born. I know I shouldn't let what they said about and towards me get to me since they obviously do it to everyone, but it really put a dent in my confidence and now I always feel like I am being judged by other horse people and that they are laughing at me behind my back, although it really shouldn't matter.
Now I don't want to even be seen on a horse in fear of judgment from others and I feel nothing but stress if I try to use the public trails. I don't know if it just brings back bad memories, if I'm just outgrowing horses (I hope not, because I really love my horses and I am still very interested in everything horse-related, I just can't enjoy riding anymore), or if my confidence is just that low. I'm starting to care less about what people think, but it seems like sometimes people in the horse community can be extremely harsh and unforgiving, and especially judgmental. I know it's not limited to the horse community, but it's where I've experienced this kind of stuff the most (well, that and junior high school). I can't handle all of the cliques, drama, and bullying. Sadly, I'm also too nice of a person to stand up for myself sometimes and just try to avoid confrontation and conflict if at all possible.
Sorry for the book, I sometimes get carried away. Has anyone else dealt with this and does anyone have any ideas as to why I might feel so worried about what others think and why it is affecting my love for riding? Thank you in advance.