Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
• Horses: 0
I Want Out...I Guess?
I really feel like I should leave horses. The thing is, I just can't explain exactly why. To be blunt about it..it's just 'cause I don't feel like I'm good enough for Tango. I don't know enough, I'm inexperienced, and it's just annoying knowing I'm never going to be as good a horseman as any of the people I look up to. I want to be at the point where I can deal with any problem, feel confident and self-assured in any situation...the only reason I'm doing well so far is because Tango has no vices and she's naturally submissive and docile.
Ideally, I want to go and "apprentice" with the trainer I admire (who we bought Tango from) and find a way to gain experience and knowledge, but if she'd even accept me, I don't know that my parents would agree or anything. If ever I doubt myself or sort of hint at how useless I feel, mom doesn't understand in the least and dad gets angry and tells me that I'm doing fine. Yeah, he thinks I'm doing fine because Tango's well-behaved. She's well-behaved and respectful, but I feel so...detached from her. We seem to have no relationship or bond, and it makes me seriously believe that I'm doing something wrong...which I guess I am.
And I can't even ride anymore..besides once a week at lessons, because Tango's lame and who knows how long she'll be off.
I don't know if it's just me in a state of depression, and it'll pass or what. Ever since we first got horses, no matter what we've gone through, I've always felt that no matter what I wanted, I couldn't ever live without them because I'm addicted. Even if I didn't want horses anymore...too late, I'd caught the bug. And I still do feel like that, just with the overlying feeling that I might as well just give up. Any other time I would just say I'm worn out, but this is how I'm feeling after a horseless week of vacation. What would be the point of taking a break from them if, after I just did, I'm still sick of it? I don't know what to do.