Just have to get it out(realy long sorry)
   

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Just have to get it out(realy long sorry)

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        06-24-2008, 12:02 AM
      #1
    Foal
    Just have to get it out(realy long sorry)

    This is just me rambling. It might not even make sense. I wrote it to get it of my chest, then decided to post it. I just need to get it out even if it doesn't make sense.



    It's June 23, 2008. I've been out of the military for 1 year and 4 mos. I am miserable. I hate my life. I'm 30 and I'm nothing. I used to be a 2nd Class Petty Officer of the United States Navy, with 10 years of service. People looked up to me, respected me. Now, I'm nothing, I work in the warehouse of a coal mine were people will do anything not to have to deal with me. I used to run my whole division, and now people think I can't even give out duct tape. I use to be an equal. Everyone knew what a hard worker I was, men didn't treat me any differently than anyone else. Now I'm just a GIRL in the warehouse. "oh let me get that for you little lady" I get so angry. They don't know that I can work circles around them. I have been on out to see for months, I was Gun Captain of a 25mil. I have manned my weapon while small boats in the Gulf shined their spot lights up at me with their weapons manned. Now I'm am not capable of picking up a box.



    I used to have my own apartment. I loved my apartment with all me things and doing my own thing. Coming and going as I pleased. Now I live with my parents. I'm 30 and I live with my parents. I have a small little room, and all my things from my old life are in a storage shed. I feel like I have to tip toe around. I feel guilty if I go some where, because I didn't ask them to go. I feel like I can't even go out and eat because they will want to know why I didn't invite them. I have nothing of my own. I lease some land for my horses. I felt better when I got it. Like I had something of my own. Even though it's just leased,it was mine. All winter I took care of my horses on my own. I felt a sense of worth. I hauled water, and fed twice a day before and after work everyday no matter what. In below zero weather, in blizzards, towards the end of winter you couldn't even drive down the road, but I still fed twice a day and made sure they had drinkable water even though I don't have running water or electricy. I felt such a sense of pride. That was my place. A place I could go to get away, to be in charge of my life. I hauled hay, did repairs, everything that needed doing. That to has changed. For Father's day, everyone wanted to go in on a horse for my dad. He loved it, he was so happy he got (allergies) he claimed as his eyes got red and watery. I don't want to be selfish, but I feel that I have lost my place. Know it OURS, and he want's to do stuff too. All I want him to do his play with his horse, but he keeps trying to help. I don't want help. It's mine. Doesn't that sound childish. I can't help it though. I feel like the one thing I had he took. He keeps talking about how we can do this and we can fix that and he want's to help pay for the lease. I don't want that. Once he pays for half It's not mine anymore. I know that one day he will be gone, and I will look back and wish I would have shared everything with him. But I can't stop these feeling now. I also feel guilty about the way I feel, which makes it even worse.



    We live in a small town. I grew up here, but was never the social butterfly in high school and have no old freinds. I have no freinds at all. Not a single one. I have my mom, my dad, and my sister. That's it. The only night life here are a few bars that are over run with old men and roudy young guys. Because of the work in the oil feilds out here, guys out number women big time. I don't go out. My day consist of getting up, tending the horses, going to work, after work I tend the horses again, I go home, go to bed, get up, start all over again.



    I have had my horse Emmit since I was stationed in Maryland in 2004. I have drug him all over with me, and would ride everyday. I always wanted to join a riding club and go on trail rides, but never had a trailer. Now I have finally acheived my dream of a truck and trailer, and I have no desire to go anywhere, I haven't even ridden since August of last year. I read what I have written so far and I feal silly. I sound like some ungrateful little kid that doesn't appreciate what she has. I do appreciate what I have. But I can't help this feeling of helplessnes. Of wondering how much longer this can go on before something brakes. I feel guilty about the way I feel. I get moody and angry and I think I hurt my parents feelings wich makes me feel awfull which makes me feel more hopeless.
         
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        06-24-2008, 12:09 AM
      #2
    Green Broke
    that made me sad.... is there a way you could find a new job or anything? Maybe talk to a therapist or something, or go get yourself pampered (pedicure, massage, shopping trip, ext) something to get your spirits up.... go outside in the morning and don't sleep in (i learned that makes you more depressed)
         
        06-24-2008, 12:13 AM
      #3
    Trained
    Poney jj...HI I could babble on about a million things and ways to change your life...but I won't. I could suggest new and improved ways to feel better...but I won't. I won't assume that I know you well enough to give life advice. I do recognize lonely though...I've been there done that lost everything and had to start over. I just figured you'd appreciate a hello...so...HI I'm glad you shared.
         
        06-24-2008, 12:15 AM
      #4
    Showing
    It sounds like you haven't found your niche... maybe you just need to put yourself out there a little, and try some new things! If you have a truck and trailer, maybe you can see about taking lessons at a barn somewhere or joining a local riding club.. or starting one if there isn't one in your area!
    Have you thought about moving away? I know I started appreciating my parents once I moved across the country from them! Or what about getting a new job?
    Keep your chin up, girlie! Life might be a little hard right now, but you sound like on tough bugger, you'll come through this phase
         
        06-24-2008, 12:23 AM
      #5
    Weanling
    Awww. You know, I may be younger than you but I feel the same in many ways. I'm 20 and live with my parents because I can't afford to move out on my own. I pay for everything else (car, phone, even college). It's a weird feeling when you want to sort of break away from family life and do things more on your own, but you don't really have anyone else. I can completely relate to that! After high school ended, all my "friends" disbursed and I don't really have anyone now. I have one friend and honestly she's gone a little off the deep end for me (another story for another time). When it comes to work, I recently quit a job where I was the only girl in a male dominated industry and I was treated with a "lesser than thou" attitude. It's very grating on a girl! I'm glad that you still have dreams (your purchase of the truck & trailer). Life wouldn't be worth it if we couldnt dream. I have dreams of one day owning my own horse. I have found that a horse can often times be a better friend than a person in many ways. You don't sound silly at all, many times I have found myself feeling like i'm in some sort of rut and have no clue how to get out of it. But, corny as it sounds, you just have to keep your chin up and realize that if there werent bad times, there couldnt be good times. I sincerely hope things get better for you soon.
         
        06-24-2008, 09:34 AM
      #6
    Yearling
    First of all, let me say Thank You for your years of service to this country and for its people. I appreciate it.

    Second, it honestly sounds like you are in a depressed rut. You and only you can change that. And YOU have to do it.

    Think about what it is that you want, where you want to start... and then decide on a plan of action to make that change. It may be a slow go at first, but with your strength and determination you can do it. Don't let anyone's BS or patronizing ways hold you back or keep you down.

    Chin up!!!

    You remember what they say "Be All You Can Be" - well just because you are no longer in the military doesnt mean that the phrase no longer applies. It does. Screw those who can't see you for who you are.

    Now clear you mind, think of your goal, make a plan and get to work!

    *big hug*
         
        06-24-2008, 11:52 AM
      #7
    Super Moderator
    *SMACK* SHAKE *SMACK* Come out of it! Come back to us!

    It sounds to me like you are really really feeling low right now but don't... Look back at what you have done with your life and feel good about it. And then think about what you can do to make lemonaide, because I think you need a really really big glass...

    I use to work for the navy, over at the navy yard in DC so I know the feeling of pride and belonging that you felt, naval people are a pretty good group of people, they like to cuss and you better protect your lunch around them but... I can definitely say that I know how you are feeling...

    I am assumign there are not a lot of jobs in your community which is why you are at a coal mine. Are you willing to uproot? Sometimes people need that, or go back to school, even if you just take one course... If you could just find ONE thing that gives you a sence of belonging or a sence of accomplishment you'll start heading towards feeling better. I know it sucks, baby steps and all that....

    Or maybe just keep ranting to us... we'll be here for you...
         
        06-24-2008, 11:54 AM
      #8
    Super Moderator
    [quote="kim_angel"] You remember what they say "Be All You Can Be" - /quote]


    That's the army silly!


    Also... have you thought about applying for your local law enforcement? You should have plenty of training to get in.... just a thought...
         
        06-24-2008, 11:20 PM
      #9
    Foal
    Thank you all for your support and letting me vent.
         

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