Just have to get it out(realy long sorry)
This is just me rambling. It might not even make sense. I wrote it to get it of my chest, then decided to post it. I just need to get it out even if it doesn't make sense.
It's June 23, 2008. I've been out of the military for 1 year and 4 mos. I am miserable. I hate my life. I'm 30 and I'm nothing. I used to be a 2nd Class Petty Officer of the United States Navy, with 10 years of service. People looked up to me, respected me. Now, I'm nothing, I work in the warehouse of a coal mine were people will do anything not to have to deal with me. I used to run my whole division, and now people think I can't even give out duct tape. I use to be an equal. Everyone knew what a hard worker I was, men didn't treat me any differently than anyone else. Now I'm just a GIRL in the warehouse. "oh let me get that for you little lady" I get so angry. They don't know that I can work circles around them. I have been on out to see for months, I was Gun Captain of a 25mil. I have manned my weapon while small boats in the Gulf shined their spot lights up at me with their weapons manned. Now I'm am not capable of picking up a box.
I used to have my own apartment. I loved my apartment with all me things and doing my own thing. Coming and going as I pleased. Now i live with my parents. I'm 30 and I live with my parents. I have a small little room, and all my things from my old life are in a storage shed. I feel like I have to tip toe around. I feel guilty if I go some where, because I didn't ask them to go. I feel like I can't even go out and eat because they will want to know why I didn't invite them. I have nothing of my own. I lease some land for my horses. I felt better when I got it. Like I had something of my own. Even though it's just leased,it was mine. All winter I took care of my horses on my own. I felt a sense of worth. I hauled water, and fed twice a day before and after work everyday no matter what. In below zero weather, in blizzards, towards the end of winter you couldn't even drive down the road, but I still fed twice a day and made sure they had drinkable water even though I don't have running water or electricy. I felt such a sense of pride. That was my place. A place I could go to get away, to be in charge of my life. I hauled hay, did repairs, everything that needed doing. That to has changed. For Father's day, everyone wanted to go in on a horse for my dad. He loved it, he was so happy he got (allergies) he claimed as his eyes got red and watery. I don't want to be selfish, but I feel that I have lost my place. Know it OURS, and he want's to do stuff too. All I want him to do his play with his horse, but he keeps trying to help. I don't want help. It's mine. Doesn't that sound childish. I can't help it though. I feel like the one thing I had he took. He keeps talking about how we can do this and we can fix that and he want's to help pay for the lease. I don't want that. Once he pays for half It's not mine anymore. I know that one day he will be gone, and I will look back and wish I would have shared everything with him. But I can't stop these feeling now. I also feel guilty about the way I feel, which makes it even worse.
We live in a small town. I grew up here, but was never the social butterfly in high school and have no old freinds. I have no freinds at all. Not a single one. I have my mom, my dad, and my sister. Thats it. The only night life here are a few bars that are over run with old men and roudy young guys. Because of the work in the oil feilds out here, guys out number women big time. I don't go out. My day consist of getting up, tending the horses, going to work, after work I tend the horses again, I go home, go to bed, get up, start all over again.
I have had my horse Emmit since I was stationed in Maryland in 2004. I have drug him all over with me, and would ride everyday. I always wanted to join a riding club and go on trail rides, but never had a trailer. Now I have finally acheived my dream of a truck and trailer, and I have no desire to go anywhere, I haven't even ridden since August of last year. I read what I have written so far and I feal silly. I sound like some ungrateful little kid that doesn't appreciate what she has. I do appreciate what I have. But I can't help this feeling of helplessnes. Of wondering how much longer this can go on before something brakes. I feel guilty about the way I feel. I get moody and angry and I think I hurt my parents feelings wich makes me feel awfull which makes me feel more hopeless.