Lurking around here for weeks -Need all the help you will give

Yup, I had one of those. I tried for 2 years to make a happy pair of the two of us, but it just wasn't happening. She left here a better horse than when she arrived. The new owner is having the same problems, but because she is spending more time with her things seem to be slowing improving. The horse and owner are quite happy. So am I because my headache is gone!

There will be a home somewhere, if as the trainer says, there is a good horse in there. A different owner, a different barn, more or less horses around. If you let your trainer know your intentions, (s)he can help find another home.

Then you can find the right horse for you. It's only fun if it's actually FUN!

I think you should find someone who is looking for a project horse sell him and get your self a older horse in their teens whos been there done that kind of horse. This horse needs someone who can put some hard time in to him so a)he learns b) be tired enough from the work not to run away and you need a calm ride.

Put him up for sale and in the mean time keep the trainer working with him, especially on ground manners.

Sell him on and find one you can actually enjoy and who builds your confidence, not tears it down. If your trainer thinks there's a good horse in there, then tell her to buy him and bring it out.

As an older rider, I agree with the posters her who say that as we get older, we don't want the excitement of unplanned dismounts. I could care less if my horse would seem boring to a teen rider. I want to enjoy my rides.
So, I am with the others who say sell this lovely horse and find THE right horse for you.

The thing that's kind of odd is that you say he went for professional training and yet he will still run you over when you lead him or try to go through chains or fences or whatnot. Could this trainer not make him more aware of and respectful to barriers? And did he not teach the horse how to lead properly?

Those ARE things that would have to be improved before you'd find someone who would want to buy him. Unless you just listed him as a "project" horse.

I was wondering the same about the trainer. Any how I would list him as a project and have the trainer work them him focusing on leading/ground manners

Have you discussed the horses bad ground manners with you trainer? If not, the trainer may not realize you are having problems with that. Horses are pretty good at sizing up people and may behave differently with your trainer.
In answer to your original question, can people get over their fear, the answer is yes if they have enough nice experiences to offset that fear. It doesn't sound like you are having enough good times with your horse to do that.
You gave it a decent try, but based on what you said he doesn't sound like he's a good fit for you.

Haha, OP, at least you seem to have kept a sense of humor through it all. I enjoyed reading your post. And welcome to the forum.

Maybe it is just a communication problem. I mean, you trainer saying there is a good horse in there, ya just have to find it? Did they misunderstand your objectives? Or, did you express to them that you passion was straightening out and finishing a problem child? I believe there is a good horse in every horse, but I don't believe everyone is suited to finding them. It can be time consuming, frustrating, and can rattle anyone's confidence. You sound like you would just like to enjoy progressing at your riding skills.

Maybe you would feel guilty if you sold the fellow? If you try hard enough, he will get a good home if you go that route. If you are going to feel you failed somehow, just don't. Your trainer has failed you, IMO. I just finished a year long search for another horse...and man, are there some fantastic horses out there for cheap (relatively speaking). There is no shortage. I am sure your guy is an excellent horse for the right person. Get a well behaved, honest, proven horse and enjoy yourself!

You honestly need to ditch this "trainer" and find someone who has a clue. Don't let someone else belittle you into holding on to a horse that has shattered your confidence and has the potential to maim you for life. I'll be blunt. How much money has this trainer made off of you and your horse? Is she afraid of this source of income going away? Does she really think that a green rider (and older) has the skills to deal with this horse? She has no right to be angry with you when you get overwhelmed with the situation and walk away. Some many things wrong here I could go on and on.

Sell the horse. Give him away. You'll be miles ahead and you'll have fun. That is why we have them isn't it?

A few years ago I bought a project horse...but I sure didn't realize she was a project at the time. That horse has been my greatest teacher. I had most of a lifetime as a horse owner and there had been ups and downs but this one made me learn so I could help her...and in the process I helped myself. So, sometimes a project is not a bad thing if you are ready for it.
That being said, we did not have some of the issues you mentioned. My girl had been badly handled and had no trust. She is not the same horse today and will be with me to the end.
It sounds like you had a really rocky start with horses. I admire your desire to sick with it dispite the challenges. I think this horse would be better suited to someone with experience and the ability to take on his issues. If you could find a horse suited to where you are now you will gain confidence and knowledge and enjoy the whole experience. And with time you may want a more challenging mount...but maybe not. Just find one you can enjoy now.
Good luck to you...and above all Stay Safe.

I am 42 years old and accidentally got into horses five or so years ago.

While I can't say your horse is the same as my first mare....I can say that she was crazy and I was a new rider. Everyone hated her, including the other horses. She spooked at everything. She was a complete nutcase. Never been ridden at 16 years old and it was obvious why. She was a free horse to me....nobody knew how she was until I brought her to the barn. Trainer gave up on her, daughter hated her, everyone told me to get rid of her because she was dangerous.

I decided to ignore everyone and give this mare a chance. Of course I was alone with the idea because everyone hated her. My formula for success, I believe, was taking my time with her. I didn't even attempt to sit on her for months. No bit went into her mouth for six months. I spent day after day with her just grooming and handling her. I had to get her used to the idea that there could be 'calmness' in her life. She had to trust. And, a little at a time, she came around....for me....nobody else, but that was ok. I would say you would have to devote a lot of time, consistency and work if this is going to happen. You also have to be calm and a person who can be a leader yourself. Otherwise, it won't work. I think if you have a trainer helping you, the trainer should do it from the sidelines, not directly so that you seem to be the main person in the horse's life.

If you are not the type of person to handle a horse like that and can't devote much of your time and be consistent, then it is best to find a more suitable horse who doesn't have the baggage.