moving and leaving the horses behind, i need some advice - The Horse Forum

 
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post #1 of 10 Old 10-11-2011, 11:06 PM Thread Starter
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Exclamation moving and leaving the horses behind, i need some advice

I recently just moved out of my parents house, for many reasons mainly because I am 22 and my mom and I are too alike for our own good. But I keep my mini horses at my parents house, I have 3 total and they have there own field and they are all together, my dad is caring for them which only involves feeding and bringing them in when it rains. Is this okay or am I being selfish? I only moved 15 miles away and of course I can go back and visit when ever I want, I just want to make sure I am not being selfish, and to kinda talk about moving since this is my first time and im having a hard time adjusting to it all

So any advice id be more than grateful.

- Ashley -
Dolly - Misty - Mable

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post #2 of 10 Old 10-11-2011, 11:36 PM
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I am a little unclear about what you are asking. Are you wondering about being selfish about moving out, or about expecting your Dad to look after your horses?

It isn't unreasonable to want to move out at 22, as you are now an adult. Moving out because you and your mom don't get along is another issue altogether. In my mind, the difference between the two also means the difference between whether it is reasonable for your dad to help out and care of your horses. I am going to be blunt because I don't know how else to put this. Please don't take offence as none is intended. So there are two possible scenarios (and these are extremes to make the point)

The child-like and "selfish" response would be to move out to spite your mom, or to move out because you won't / can't find some middle ground with her. Expecting your dad to keep and look after your horses because you and your mom cannot see eye to eye is also selfish. Once you commit to moving out because you want to exercise your roll as an adult, you also take along with that the responsibility of caring for your animals or making mutually agreed upon arrangements.

The adult thing to do is to recognize why you are moving and take ownership for it. As part of that process, you acknowledge your mom as another adult and accept that she can hold different views, and then find a way to make your decision to move out a genuinely happy occasion for both of you. You want to move out when you are on good terms with your parents, and you want them to feel proud of you for becoming the wonderful adult they hoped to raise. Again, the horses. The adult response is to ASK if (both) your parents are willing to continue caring for your horses and find out how you can contribute either financially or physically. They do not owe you this, so you are asking and preparing yourself in the event that you have to make other arrangements. I think most parents would want to help out their kids and so they would be amicable to some arrangement. Whether they want you to contribute or not is beside the point. Asking is the point as it shows that you respect them rather than take them for granted.

I assumed your mom and dad live together, but this was a little unclear in your post. Please forgive me if I have assumed incorrectly.

I hope this helps shed a little perspective.
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post #3 of 10 Old 10-12-2011, 12:19 AM
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If they are truly your horses and not family horses, then I do think it is a bit unreasonable to leave your dad doing their full time care. Maybe you could organize a schedule with him so that you are pulling your weight.
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post #4 of 10 Old 10-12-2011, 12:39 AM Thread Starter
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The one is my dads and the other two are mine and I don't want to split them up and my parents really enjoy having them at the house and do not have a problem caring for them. I do go over buy grain, worm and make sure everyone is okay and I as well strip there stalls

As for the moving I work with my mom in her restaurant due to a major injury at my old job and I lived with them which I love my mom to bits and love being around her we both just have very strong personalities and butt heads more then need be. But I love my family dearly so please don't think I've run away and left everyone behind because I have not I still talk to my parents everyday and I still care for my horses as much as I can I just don't feed them everyday that is the main difference.
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post #5 of 10 Old 10-12-2011, 12:56 AM
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You're and adult now so sit down and have an adult conversation about the horses if you haven't already. That includes offering to pay for your dad's time along with feed for your two horses. Even if they decline now, bring it back up every 4 months or so. They might gladly do it now but it can become more and more of a chore as time goes on which builds resentment.

Wether they accept money or not make sure you spend time around the house/property helping out in a show of appreciation.
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post #6 of 10 Old 10-12-2011, 06:37 AM
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you are 22, I agree time to make your own way in the world. Pretty common for folks to keep there children's animals when they move out or go off to college.
The right thing to do is what you have been keep going by and caring for them. Make sure you are available if they want time off or want to go on vacation.
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post #7 of 10 Old 10-12-2011, 07:42 AM
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You have received great advice. I think it is good that you are spreading your wings. Independance is wonderful. But, with this freedom comes responsibility. You need to consider that since you are no longer working to care for your horses, you need to pay for someone else to. And, pay for feed,farrier and vet.

Last edited by Allison Finch; 10-12-2011 at 10:32 AM.
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post #8 of 10 Old 10-12-2011, 09:06 AM
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I don't see anything wrong with keeping your horses at your parents, as long as they agree to it. Families are there to help and guide. There will come a time when y'alls roles will reverse and you will become "the parent" and will take care of your parents. So in the long run it all evens out. I don't have a problem with keeping my kids animals if they aren't able to and that includes $$ to feed, shelter, etc. If I couldn't afford to do it, then they would have to step up or find other homes for them.
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post #9 of 10 Old 10-12-2011, 10:05 AM Thread Starter
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thank you all for your advice, I of course still pay for all there bills, feed, and everything involved. The only thing my parents are doing is feeding them and bringing them in when it rains, I also do go over when they want a vacation because they also have a dog and a few animals. I just don't want to split them all up and leave the one on its own I figured it would be best to leave them all together so they can have each other.

I do also go over as much as possible, they are only 15 miles away, so the weekends I go over and spend the day with them and clean, make sure they are ok.

- Ashley -
Dolly - Misty - Mable

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post #10 of 10 Old 10-13-2011, 05:51 AM
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I moved out for the first time 2 years ago with my then bf (now husband). We moved 2 hours away from my mum's/sister's and I had to leave my horses with her because we were poor university students and there was NO WAY I could afford even I horse let alone 2. Being 2 hours away my sister had to do all the caring. She was happy to do so. I didnt pay for feed (as I couldnt afford it) but I did pay for farrier work and worming. As long as your dad is happy doing it for you it is not at all selfish, one day you will be able to have them with you again and you can care for them your self again :) I am finally able to afford my two boys and I found some agistment close by me a few months ago and brought them up from my mums. I now fully care for them and pay for everything for them. My sister was actually really upset when I could finally take them back, so I bought her a horse of her own :)

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