This isn't the first time I've had doubts. Things were going so much better for me a month ago, but now, things are going horribly in my mind. I know I just moved stables, I know I need to adjust, but I am having serious doubts.
I feel like I'm getting so weak. I feel like I'm losing my patience, and I feel like I've practically lost my leadership position with my horse. My horse double-barrel kicked me yesterday, and my thigh is extremely purple and swollen, and quite honestly, I could have gotten seriously injured -- with the potential that I may have not come out alive if it had struck me in the head or chest.
See, I've thought about it before, how fragile life is when it comes to horses, how much of a risk I'm actually taking... but the fact that a thigh bruise freaked me out concerns me. I love my horse. I really do. I would do so much for her. But part of me is trying to look at things realistically. Lately, things have been SO much work. And I LOVE hard work, I love the results at the end, and I know it will be worth it in the end, so quite honestly I don't know if this is even worth me writing this... but I'm an inexperienced dressage rider trying to train a horse that doesn't have a whole lot of experience. YES. I have professional help. But I don't feel that it is enough. And I know my horse could be doing rated shows and professionally competing if it weren't for ME and the fact that I haven't been able to bring her along because I just don't KNOW.
No, it wasn't a mistake that I bought her, as a matter of fact it's the best decision I've ever made. And I love with her all my heart and she's my best friend. The idea of me parting ways makes me cry immediately, and I'm truly in love with her. But at the same time, I worry for my safety. I know we just moved stables, and she never used to act like that. But lately I haven't felt that same connection. I've felt fear. I've felt worry. I've felt my gut before going to the stable fill with doubt or anxiety that something awful could potentially happen to me.
I just don't know where I stand anymore. I don't know what is realistic for me. I mean, no one can "crush" my dreams, because my dream is to show her at the rated AQHA shows when we both grow together to the point where that is realistic. But at the same time, I don't know what I should do. I don't want to get hurt and I don't want to hold back a horse that could potentially be so much more.
I don't even know what part of this schpeal I'm asking advice about. But I just feel so lost. Did I mention I'm a full-time student? It's not easy doing all of this. I love it, I love the barn, I love my girl, but lately, my heart has felt... somewhat broken. On a daily basis.