My horse, My money. Wheres the problem? - The Horse Forum
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post #1 of 114 Old 12-11-2012, 05:15 PM Thread Starter
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My horse, My money. Wheres the problem?

i'm sure i'm not the first with this issue, so I really just would like to know how you guys handled it. If your going to bring down the hammer on me, can you do it nicely please?

My fiance used to pay for my horse, because he was the only one bringing in income, since I worked in exchange for our room and board. Now, I work two jobs (sometimes three depending on if i'm training something) and am a much better budget-er/saver/whatever. Currently, he has more debt than he can shake a stick at, while my savings has a nice little cushion on it. Now fro the problem....

Any time I talk about buying new tack, or how much the next potential project horse is, he gets all huffy and puffy telling me how its too expensive. But he's not spending anything 0n my horse, or anything involving my horse/s, and hasn't for nearly 8 months. Discussions about it with him turn into arguments on how I should be doing more, although I already pay 3/4 our rent and our electric because he's irresponsible.

How do I get the point across that I will do what i'm going to do regardless of his opinion, because I want to and I can?

Oh, and yes, I can afford the care and time expense for another horse. (especially since i've started working jockey hrs!)
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post #2 of 114 Old 12-11-2012, 05:21 PM
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What was the cash value of the work you did for room and board?

When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure. - Peter Marshall
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post #3 of 114 Old 12-11-2012, 05:24 PM
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Oh boy... I probably should just bite my tongue, as I have two ex-wifes, so clearly relationships aren't my strong suite. What I can say, is that if you are paying for your hobby, and contributing significantly to the household/joint expenses, I don't see the issue. I have two vices... well three: my horse, single malt scotch, and fine cigars. When I was married to ex#2, she would incessantly complain about the cost of my horse... and I paid ALL of the bills.

So... consider carefully what is actually important to you. I got to the point, where I realized that I had to actually choose between preserving myself (ie. Retaining those things in my life that truly defined me and brought me joy), and being in a relationship that was slowly but surely suffocating me via the inherent parasitic nature of it. In the end, I chose my horse, my life, rather than continuing in a relationship where to keep the relationship I would have to give up my horse, harley, cigars and scotch.
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post #4 of 114 Old 12-11-2012, 05:26 PM Thread Starter
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3000 a month. Covered food, rent (2 br and a yard) and transportation. I didnt get any monetary payout for it, but it was a nice place to live til the owners daughter came home. That's why we left.
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post #5 of 114 Old 12-11-2012, 05:27 PM
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To be honest..just don't talk about it to him for a bit. Maybe stop talking about some other unnecessary stuff as well. That's what I did with my mum. She'd get so pissed about me not discussing anything with her that she'd ask me why I stopped, and I told her that because she made it an arguement everytime I figured she didnt want to hear about it. She apologized and she asks me about stuff now..I know she doesnt really approve of it, but there's nothing she can do about it.
I did the same thing with one of my exs..he'd complain about how I shouldnt buy this or that and save my money, even when he knew it made me happy. I stopped talking about anything I wanted to buy and he finally asked me why I wasnt talking like I use to..All I had to do was tell him that I thought he didnt wanna hear it because he always complained..not once did he ever complain about me discussing purchases again. I could tell he didnt really approve, but he had enough mind to just leave it instead of being rude about saving.

I can't say this' ll work for your situation..but if he really can't stand you spending YOUR money, not to mention you're paying for almost everything now as is..I might contemplate the decision of whether or not to stay with him.
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post #6 of 114 Old 12-11-2012, 05:28 PM
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I'm thinking if you marry this dude you will be taking on his debt and your little squabbles will turn in to WW3. His stuff is important whereas a woman's is frivolous, wasteful spending. He's not smart enough to figure out that a happy wife means a happy hubby.This is the voice of experience. My fiance had this idea women can't deal with money matters, it's up to the man. Like your fiance, mine was getting farther and farther in the hole. As a teen the best gift my parents gave me was how to budget money and I learned to run a tight ship. And suddenly I'm not supposed to be at the helm? Then he wanted me to sign on the dotted line for another loan. When I refused WW3 was declared. I left. I much preferred being alone and in control of my finances. When I did marry my hubby first confession was that he was no good with money and hoped I was, just give him a weekly allowance. It worked out great, no debt, a healthy savings account.
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post #7 of 114 Old 12-11-2012, 05:34 PM
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I would not discuss the matter with him. If he tries to pick a fight, give him "the back" - withdraw, disengage, show him your rump (hey, this is a horse forum, right? ;) )... whatever works to make it absolutely clear that this issue is nonnegotiable and not open to discussion.

When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure. - Peter Marshall
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post #8 of 114 Old 12-11-2012, 05:47 PM
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You're paying 3/4 of the bills, working like a mad woman, he has the debt and he has the gall to give you grief over spending YOUR money how you want?! Pfft, I'd buy what I wanted and let him pout about it. I wouldn't even discuss it with him. Until you are married & your funds are co-mingled he shouldn't get to tell you how to spend your hard earned money (and maybe not even then...my hubby has seen me discipline too many horses to even consider trying to tell me what to do haha!)

Just do it, that's how you get your point across! :)

Life is like a camera. Focus on what's important, Capture the good times, Develop from the negatives and if things don't work out, Take another shot.
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post #9 of 114 Old 12-11-2012, 06:16 PM
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Honestly, ...if this is how it is right now, when you're not married/your finances are not joined, what's it going to be like when they are? You need to respect each others opinions on important things like how you spend your money or you're not going to have a very happy marriage. Saying its your money and you can spend it how you want is just a slap in his face when he's expressing his concerns. However, if you really feel that you're doing more than your share and he is still racking up debt and saying you need to do more, that's not a healthy situation either.

I can see his side somewhat, in that I came into my relationship with a sizeable debt from school while my fiance came in with a sizeable savings account. Until we joined our accounts together, he pretty much paid for everything while I squeezed my pennies to be able to pay back my debt and still pay for a few bills. When we joined our finances together, WE paid the remainder of my debt. Now both of our pay cheques go into the same account, we both work approximately equal hours, so even though he technically brings in the lions share of our income, there is no quibbling over finances. We make large purchase decisions together. We each have hobbies that we spend money on and we just try to be reasonable about costs (ie, I do self board instead of full board so that my horse does not cost so much).

Basically what I'm getting at is if you can't make mature adult decisions about your finances at this point, maybe you should not be getting married.
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post #10 of 114 Old 12-11-2012, 06:34 PM
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Am I the only one who caught that he helps pay the bills, paid for her horse and is now in debt? Was he in debt when he was paying for your horse? But he still payed for it? I'm going to have to side with him on this one. If yall are getting married and joining finances, then you are inadvertently taking on his debt. He helped you, now you should help him. Maybe you shouldn't buy that shiny new saddle or what not until you get the debt under control, together, because that is what marriage is, together.
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