My horse, My money. Wheres the problem? - Page 2 - The Horse Forum
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post #11 of 114 Old 12-11-2012, 06:41 PM
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Noted that as well OutOfTheLoop but she also stated that during that time she was working for their room and board, so it makes sense that her income went to that while his went to the other necessities/luxuries. My question would be why is he now in debt then? If it's just from poor money decisions or superfluous spending, I can see her frustration. If on the other hand he's maybe going to school to get a better career and improve their futures, that's a different situation.
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post #12 of 114 Old 12-11-2012, 06:43 PM
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Im going to go out on a limb here and guess that he is jealous that you have extra cash around while he is struggling. Its a man thing. Men "should make more then women" they should be the "center of the household" and all that crap.

I think his ego is taking a beating.

He either needs to man up or get out. Being a child isnt the way to handle it.
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post #13 of 114 Old 12-11-2012, 06:43 PM
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OutOfTheLoop has a point. I don't think I caught exactly how the fiance got into debt. If he got into debt helping to support your horses through the tough times, then that should be paid back to him without question first before anything else. If his debt is his own because he can't control his impulse buys then that's another story.

But honestly, finances are one of the BIGGEST bones of contentions in relationships. Ya'll need to be able to sit down and talk it out responsibly. Especially if you are getting married. And this is all just IMO.
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post #14 of 114 Old 12-11-2012, 06:48 PM
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First of all, I want to strongly disagree with everyone who said: "Well if he gets mad about it, then don't talk to him about it." Relationship 101 --> communication. If you can't talk about certain subjects without one of you shutting down, or one of you start yelling, etc then you've got bigger issues than if you can afford horse tack or not.

My hubby and I have been together for over 8 years (actually married only since June), but throughout those 8 years there was one time that I stormed out of the room upset (which really doesn't count because alcohol was involved on both parts and emotions just run rampad then) and one time when our voices got a little heated. That's it. Two times in over 8 years. Why? Because we are communicating constantly. There's not one single issue or one single scenario we don't talk it out and reach a decision together.

You two need to do the same.

Are you going to continue paying more than your share of the rent/board? Are you going to help him with his debt (since he used to take care of your horse)? Or, are you not? You two need to talk about it and figure that out.

How do I get the point across that I will do what i'm going to do regardless of his opinion, because I want to and I can?
I am not a counseler or relationship expert by any means, but this statement bothers me. I don't know anything about you two but this single statement would make be very leery about you two tying the knot.

If you want to go do what you want on your terms when you want, then break it off and be single. Otherwise, there is another person in your life attached to you that you need to be considerate about. The two of you need to talk and figure this out. And if you can't talk and figure things out, well ......
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post #15 of 114 Old 12-11-2012, 06:49 PM
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Finances can be so problematic, but if you do it right it can bring you two together!

Have you guys sat down and made a budget? A really good one outlining debt, income, expenses, and then a savings plan for the future? Have you listed your goals for the future? Like kids, house, farm, cars, are you in school or paying it off?

It's the first thing we settled when we got together. I can honestly say if we didn't have an "outline" and hadn't agreed to stick to it and work for our goals we wouldn't still be together! LOL! Not saying things won't get rough, life is rough.
I get what I want and need, I have my horses, my farm, everything, but that's because we made a plan.
It's amazing what you can afford when you stick to it.

If you practice now while engaged things will be easier in the long run!
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Last edited by FlyGap; 12-11-2012 at 06:54 PM.
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post #16 of 114 Old 12-11-2012, 06:49 PM
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Silly double posts!

You can get a lot further with a ladder than you can with crutches!!
What do you mean what do I mean?
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post #17 of 114 Old 12-11-2012, 08:07 PM
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he's irresponsible.
Maybe its time to find a new boyfriend...?

While I do agree with beau, that you need to communicate and I think that is really important as well as honesty. He has no right to tell you what you can do with your money. Sit down and talk about it, that means no yelling and fighting. Tell him that your not looking to get in a fight but you want to hear his opinions and you want to tell him yours. (on why you can get another horse ect) but if your are working 2-3 jobs are you sure you have time for a project horse?
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post #18 of 114 Old 12-11-2012, 10:26 PM
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If the guy is willing, I think you both need pre marital counselling and financial counselling. It can be a real eye opener unless someone is close-minded. Most men think they are capable of handling marital and financial problems when in reality they aren't. The ones who openly communicate with their loved one doesn't need counselling in either matter unless both love to spend with little regard for the bills.
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post #19 of 114 Old 12-11-2012, 11:57 PM
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I read your post and am going to respond sans first reading any other responses (thus, if I am being redundant here, I apologize).

My quick & dirty answer? BEWARE of any relationship wherein you and your partner do NOT SEE BASICALLY EYE TO EYE ON MATTERS OF MONEY.

You say you are engaged, which is good, because it is during THIS TIME PERIOD that you have the ability with minimal hassle (emotional pain not withstanding) to leave the relationship, if need be.

This sounds incredibly harsh, no doubt, to a younger person having not yet experienced the horrendous nightmare of A)fighting, CONSTANTLY, for years over each of your differing VALUES IN REGARD TO FINANCIAL MATTERS; or B)having to split up a MARRIAGE, POSSIBLY DESTROYING your children's NEED to be raised by two parents, in the same home, every day, because the "staying together" option would look like A above (constant arguing is even harder on kids)...

If you and your fiancé differ intrinsically on values of ANY OF THE FOLLOWING : MORALS/RELIGION/MONEY/SEX/LIFESTYLE....AND you CAN'T truly "get together" (agree to AGREE ON ALL!), you or he will EITHER HAVE TO LEARN TO BE EXTREMELY MALLEABLE and more often than not just "go with it" and do what the other wants (this builds huge resentment in ALL BUT THE MIGHTIEST of cooperative-minded folks), & even then, I'm not so sure...OR LEAVE. PERIOD.

It sucks, but IMHO ONLY, this is the "WAY IT IS" MOST of the time when it comes to relationships. I also believe that IF MORE PEOPLE took the necessary TIME to look at these matters while "playing house" before marriage, our divorce rate in the US would not be, depending on where you get your stats, nearly 60%(!), kids would would grow up in two parent households, & the PARENTS IN THE HOUSEHOLD (as well as the kids!) would be so much more secure and well adjusted!

I am happily married for nearly 10 years, but my husband and I are unusually malleable, each of us bent 90% to the others beliefs, over time; me to his re: religion and sex, he to mine over finances and "roles"...we got veeery lucky. & we still struggle. We would have divorced 100% after finally LOOKING AT THESE ISSUES of VAST DISAGREEMENT after TWO YEARS OF MARRIAGE (ridiculous on our part that we waited this long!) IF HE HADN'T ALREADY suffered through a terrible divorce and realized neither of us would fare well through that process..enter therapy, LOTS AND LOTS OF COMMUNICATION and getting to the CORE of WHY we held the beliefs we did and WHERE EACH OF US WAS willing to BEND.

It DEFINITELY BROUGHT US CLOSER than I've ever been to anyone, but WHY GO THROUGH THIS if you can find someone with whom you already agree on the important stuff.I'm not saying "leave him!" at all...but only YOU CAN KNOW where you two are & if it's WORTH THE STRUGGLE. Its so much larger than tack, horses, & "whether you should have to do what he wants/he what you want" on horse-related stuff. It speaks to the LARGER ISSUES in the relationship and what you each are willing to look at/deal with/or get out.

I TRULY wish you the very best...this is really tough stuff...B2H
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post #20 of 114 Old 12-12-2012, 12:05 AM
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you will argue about money and how it is spent through most of your marriage.
how id you work for room and board ? Did you clean house, do his laundry etc?
would you have done that anyway? He generously bought you a horse. Why is he in debt? Is the new tack so much more important than your relationship?
You need sit down and Calmly discuss things. You can do what you want and ignore him. Scream and yell and argue and still do what you want, bet after a while it gets old, and will ruin a relationship
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