My horse, My money. Wheres the problem? - Page 3 - The Horse Forum
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post #21 of 114 Old 12-12-2012, 12:18 AM
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You're either going to decide that 'what's yours is yours' and 'what's mine is mine' and spend a life time of complete financial separation.....or else you are going to unite as a couple and focus on what the priorities are that benefit you both individually and as a couple....

I've seen these relationships where the couples have separate bank accounts (after marriage) and they have always been secretive and separate.......I'm not a fan of this 'my money' attitude, especially when a couple are engaged to be married....which is a uniting of the pair.....

When someone is in a premarital relationship such as being engaged and they are struggling financially and the other party is not supportive or is flippant with their money and has an attitude of 'not sharng' it sends up a big red me atleast......
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post #22 of 114 Old 12-12-2012, 01:05 AM
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If you are going to marry this guy, better to get all this straightened out now than later. I'd be more worried about his debt than him complaining about your spending your own money. So it doesn't become a bigger snowball, either the two of you alone or with a fee only financial planner, sit down and agree on a budget. I'm not expert on living with any human. I would have dumped the guy for the horse at the first sign of trouble. But if you guys are already bickering about money, it ain't going to get any better once your finances are combined and his spending can affect your credit. In this economy, credit is the most powerful force in the universe.
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post #23 of 114 Old 12-12-2012, 01:38 AM
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If he loves you, he would enjoy the fact that you have your own money and spend it on things that make you happy. But you say he tells you it's too expensive and you argue. Happy, functional relationships don't work this way.
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post #24 of 114 Old 12-12-2012, 02:02 AM
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Great advice here! Money and Children are the two most difficult things to iron out between two people who marry. IF your basic idea of what money is for, and how much debt our are comfortable accepting is not close to his, then you will have a lifetime of struggles.
There can be some difference, of course. My husband does not think spending money on horsey lessons and clinics and stuff is a good use of money, but within reason he accepts that this is important to me. And I accept his wish to have "boy toys of the electronic persuasion"

This "play" money is only acceptable as long as we have the basics met. We both agree that debt is not to be tolerated for long. We both agree that money for education is an important investment. That money should be saved for our future, that we should not begrudge small purchases that bring joy, like Birthday gifts, that second hand things are perfectly acceptable, that tipping generously is important, that we do not give our children huge allowance, and on and on and on.

Fundamentally, a husband and wife should have similar paradigms for what money means and how it should be used. If you have the same basic respect for money, you'll work out the details. It's not all doom and gloom.
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post #25 of 114 Old 12-12-2012, 04:34 AM
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Absolutely agree 100% with all posters below mine (haven't gotten to those above yet!). Excellent advice & perspective, folks...

Ana...It MAY SEEM a bit off topic/rough to read, but really it isnt.
.you can take it from me (& ALL OF MY, unfortunately, divorced friends /family)...

"I'm too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener"
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post #26 of 114 Old 12-12-2012, 08:02 AM
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He helped you out while you were in a bind. Yes you contributed but you were still in a bind. Now he's in a bind and while yes you are contributing still to the household you should be helping him. Take some of your extra and help him pay off the debt. You'll still get your new tack, just a little slower.
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post #27 of 114 Old 12-12-2012, 08:27 AM
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I TOTALLY agree with beau. You need to keep open communication, not shut him out. Sit down and talk about how you feel. Try and explain that you care about his concerns, but don't want to be controlled either. GL!
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post #28 of 114 Old 12-12-2012, 08:45 AM
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This is such a major block in relationships--please think carefully about merging, the money, the beliefs, the debt, the thoughts about-it's My money-I'll do what I want. Lots of red flags here,but taking on another horse w/all this going on & the state of the economy at the moment,may not be the wisest. Horses get hurt, as do people,emergencies happen-do you have $$ for this without getting into further debt? Lots of good advice in the posts, please read carefully.
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post #29 of 114 Old 12-12-2012, 09:19 AM Thread Starter
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...... okay...going to explain.

When i was working for our room and board, it was an in home hospice kind of deal. i cleaned, did laundry, cooked, changed a 90 yr old mans diapers, chased down an 80 yr old woman who thought she was five all day, and babysat 2 13 yr old girls in the afternoons, and for the last half of it, i was also cleaning up after said elderly couples daughter (a 43 yr old meth head). i did this 24/7, as he was often up in t he night with terrors. since we've left, i've required therapy, and am on meds for anxiety. All of which i'm paying for. he lived in clean well fed comfort, and if you knew of him and i before, you'll know that it was rocky anyway. he insisted i wasnt "working" but he had everything he needed provided for him as far as home and food. All he paid for was his truck, and 300 a month which is all my horse cost him. (the cash bonus i got once a month wet to fun stuff for horse, fiance and me)

our agreement upon moving into our place, was splitting everything down the middle. Half the rent, half on the groceries, half on electric, he pays his truck, i pay my horse. Its turned into i pay 3/4 of the rent, most of the groceries, all of our electric, and my horse and now the shop truck i've taken as a personal vehicle because i cant drive his.

The reason i cant drive his truck, is the same reason he's in debt. he got into an accident texting, and needs a new bumper. he broke his headlight on a horse trail (moron) and needs one of those. he punched and broke his steering wheel, it wiggles and floats all over the place. He also has a suspended license because he didnt pay a ticket for not having a bumper on. he's in debt because of his own irresponsibility. not from my horse.

thus far, i've taken the stance of shutting my mouth. i dont talk about what i'm doing at the barn, or how much my last tack store order was, or anything. i GLADLY take on our bills so he can figure himself out,
however, i am not sure where the money is going, as hes been aware of all of these issues for a couple of months,a nd not done anything but b*tc* about how theres no money.....i make less than he does.
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post #30 of 114 Old 12-12-2012, 09:26 AM
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This marriage is doomed, IMO. You obviously have NO respect for him (ie calling him a moron...), and do not yet realize that when married you are seen as one. You finance houses together (which his debt may well sabotage), and are supposed to be a TEAM. You are supposed to put him before yourself, and he is supposed to put you before himself. Period. The whole "its all about me" crap does not work in a marriage. Makes for a great single life. You need to respect each other and work together. Period. I am voting for a really long engagement.

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