my riding is getting worse
A little background... I first got back into riding about 3 years ago after a 10 year break, I realised I now had an issue with confidence and getting on. Once I was on and had been riding for 5 mins I was fine. I went to a riding school and had one lesson on the lunge and 4 lessons (one a week) off lunge trotting around the outdoor school on a lovely 15.2 cobxirish draft who was 15 but had plenty of go if needed and was as calm as they come. I got pregnant so had to give up these lessons after only four. After having my little girl (literally 6 weeks)i went to a lady I know who specialises in rider confidence I rode her 17.2 ex racer mare. The first day we went out on the roads round a little village and over a motorway bridge. I was perfectly fine and wasn't even ponied. I really liked this mare but she was huge and I was a little intimidated with her size this plus the fact I had to travel an hour to get to her saw the end of that one. This was around 17 months ago.
Presently I am having western lessons on trailing and lunge lessons english. My western lessons have been going great until about 3 weeks ago when my horse slipped on wet grass that in itself wasn't that bad although I had an almighty bruise on my leg haha now everytime I ride him he spooks. I personally feel that I have lost what little confidence I was starting to build again and he has lost his confidence in me due to the slip as the last two lessons I have had he's spooked three times on one lesson and the last lesson I went to we went on the roads and I ended up in the middle of the road with a van behind us. Now I know this horse when I have previously been riding him out is as steady as they come so that is why I feel since the slip he has lost confidence in me and my nerves are just making things twice as bad.
I had my first english lunge lesson two weeks ago and had a fab time was doing posting trot and had no problems. Yes I was nervous to begin with but I soon settled down and started to relax. I had another lesson yesterday and there was a bang in the arena and he spooked. I couldn't get my nerves under control after that and I actually asked to get off. I got home and cried....... I said to my mum last night "i think i'm about ready to give up on this"
I actually feel like from the first time I started to get back into riding and I was seeking help on just being more confident in myself when I mount(It was a case of "i'm getting on no not yet, right i'm ready, just hang on" then up i'd go and have to sit for a few minutes just to gather myself)that I have actually got worse now i'm really nervous of riding aswell.
So have I been riding the wrong horses? Can I overcome my fear which at the moment I really can't see a way through? Is it me? All the usual things are coming into my head.
The really annoying thing is that through all this I can't get on my own mare as she is in foal and I just want to get on her as I know she will restore all my confidence. I'm taking lessons to become a better rider before I get back on her but it's making me want to quite riding alltogether
should i or should i not.........