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New to site - Kid/Horse Question

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        06-18-2012, 09:09 AM
      #21
    Yearling
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by AQHSam    
    I'm a step mom. So, here is my advice. Unless you are willing to walk out on your marriage, you will lose if your husband and the boy's natural FATHER does not 100% agree with you. In fact, 125%. He has to be more mad than you. It sounds as if he is waffling on the idea, so my advice, Don't go there.

    Don't lay down the law about "my land" or what YOU want. The boy's father will end up feeling like he has to choose between you and the boy and again, most dad's fail to make the right choice.
    This is pure gold! I've been in the stepmom shoes and I will tell you the above post should be a part of the wedding vows where step kids are concerned.
         
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        06-18-2012, 01:50 PM
      #22
    Foal
    Thanks everyone. Update: SS stopped by unannounced on FD, later, after post, about 5:00 p.m. Or so. Did bring a card for dad. Ok, DH was working gelding in arena, mare outside on hitching post, I was giving her a bath, just attention, we weren't riding today, just ground work, and for mare, just attention without work, plus I moved her away from arena slowly while DH was working gelding. That's another story with a happy ending!

    Anyway, he chats while I give mare a bath, stands at fence, watches DH, watches gelding...not much talking really, DH was focused on gelding, I was focused on mare, but few words here in there at good times to talk.

    About 30 minutes into it, DH says to SS, we need to talk about this horse issue LATER (he's still working gelding, DH had a breakthrough, gelding quit jogging around looking for his DAM and actually focused on DH and walked up to him slowly and asked to join up, gelding did it willingly, on his own, followed DH willingly on his own, walking nicely at DH's side...no halter, no lead rope, gelding whoa'd when asked and stood quietly all on his own, so DH was taking full advantage of this situation and was wiping him down by the gate with wet towel to cool him, give him positive reinforcement and reward his calm behavior) so this is when DH brought up horse subject, just short sentence to SS, let's talk about this horse issue LATER (DH told me later he didn't want discussion riling up his emotions transferring to horse at this critical time that's why he told him LATER, I.e., AFTER he was done working with gelding).

    SS ignored Dad's request to talk about it later, and directed his father by stating, well, we can talk about it right now (taking control, disrespecting his father's wishes to talk about it later).

    I'm just listening sitting on tack box, I didn't say a word, DH didn't say a word...all quiet...DH continues to wipe down horse (he told me later he didn't want any thing ruining the connection he just made with gelding...plus, he said he wasn't about to answer him).

    So, it only took 15 seconds of no response from either of us for him to have a temper tantrum, now he's 23 mind you, so he stated in an angry loud voice, "...the horse isn't coming on the property..." (we hadn't told him this yet)...we still didn't respond, DH keeping gelding calm, I didn't twitch a muscle, no response from us, I didn't even LOOK at him...5 seconds later he storms off to his truck, throws a little, not a lot, but a little gravel as he drives off (he did control his anger to some extent, he could have really thrown the gravel more if he wanted too, but hey it's a 4 banger).

    We don't say a whole lot to each other, just looked at each other, he finishes off with gelding, I put tack away, clean up. We sit down and talk, I asked how long before he calls to apologize, we're talking bets. I did have to bring to DH's attention that is was disrespectful and showed controlling behavior when SS ignored his request to talk later, further, SS didn't give his DH a chance to air it all out, just stormed off. Not good, very disrespectful to his father.

    So, I'm taking bets on how long before he calls his DH or apologizes for his rude behavior. But, the ISSUE is resolved, and we didn't even tell him, he told us!

    And the gelding was a peach the other day with his buddy sour issue, hey when it only takes 30 minutes and he joined up willingly, actually walked to my DH to stand by him, we're making progress! Before he would stand and wait for one of us to walk to him (after about 1 hour); this time, he went to DH...I'm tickled pink!

    He even came when my husband asked him too and asked him to take it easy, whoa, he actually listened, granted it was only 3-4 times in an hour, but it only took 30 of that to get him to self-calm on his own, then he had a few more, well I better go check, but 3-4 more times kept coming back for reassurance to DH...and at the end of all of this he followed my DH to gate to pasture and didn't get pushy!

    Stood nicely by him while he opened the gate, he was calm and behaved himself at gate (to pasture) opening. That's progress.

    Normally, he'd get all excited come gate time and we'd have a challenge on our hands, this time not ONE challenge at gate. When he got pushy in past at gate, we'd drive him back off numerous times until he stood nicely, this time, we didn't have to drive him off at all, 1st time, behaved. Whew!

    Not so happy about how SS treated his dad.
         
        06-18-2012, 09:37 PM
      #23
    Showing
    Glad to hear of progress on the gelding, woohoo!

    As for your SS.. there is obviously some inner stuff that was bothering him about the horse he's working with. Has DH tried to talk to him about what's going on in his life? Not saying it's appropriate to throw a tantrum like that or talk to DH like that but it's clear to me as a stranger there is something deeper going on that he may need to talk to DH about.
         
        06-18-2012, 10:11 PM
      #24
    Trained
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by AQHSam    
    I'm a step mom. So, here is my advice. Unless you are willing to walk out on your marriage, you will lose if your husband and the boy's natural FATHER does not 100% agree with you. In fact, 125%. He has to be more mad than you. It sounds as if he is waffling on the idea, so my advice, Don't go there.

    Don't lay down the law about "my land" or what YOU want. The boy's father will end up feeling like he has to choose between you and the boy and again, most dad's fail to make the right choice.
    First of all, I want to address this. If you are forcing your husband into a situation where he is forced to chose between you and his children, he is NOT making the wrong choice to pick his kids. How can you say such a horrible thing? How can you imply that picking your children over a manipulative, controlling wife is the wrong thing to do?

    Parenting doesn't have an end point. You don't stop being a parent when the child turns 18, or 21, or 50. You are always a model for them, always part of their "ideal" of adulthood. Instead of bemoaning the fact that your husband wants to continue to be a parent for the rest of his life, why not praise him for being a good parent who wants to continue to be a parent for the rest of his life?
    redpony likes this.
         
        06-18-2012, 10:17 PM
      #25
    Trained
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Just Me    
    SS ignored Dad's request to talk about it later, and directed his father by stating, well, we can talk about it right now (taking control, disrespecting his father's wishes to talk about it later).

    I'm just listening sitting on tack box, I didn't say a word, DH didn't say a word...all quiet...DH continues to wipe down horse (he told me later he didn't want any thing ruining the connection he just made with gelding...plus, he said he wasn't about to answer him).

    So, it only took 15 seconds of no response from either of us for him to have a temper tantrum, now he's 23 mind you, so he stated in an angry loud voice, "...the horse isn't coming on the property..." (we hadn't told him this yet)...we still didn't respond, DH keeping gelding calm, I didn't twitch a muscle, no response from us, I didn't even LOOK at him...5 seconds later he storms off to his truck, throws a little, not a lot, but a little gravel as he drives off (he did control his anger to some extent, he could have really thrown the gravel more if he wanted too, but hey it's a 4 banger).
    You want him to stop acting like a child? Stop treating him like one. There are two parties here, and if you and your husband are not open to negotiation or at least discussing your reasons why, until such a moment as it suits yourself perfectly, then you are half the problem. Ignoring the fact that your step-son wants to sort it out by having an adult discussion is childish and immature, exactly the sort of behaviour you seem to think the step-son is offering. He learnt it somewhere, that's for sure.

    Part of being a parent is teaching our children how to behave by behaving in the way we want them to. All your ignoring him has done is show him that he doesn't matter, that his opinion is worth nothing to either of you, and that you consider him a child still.

    In this encounter, your step-son was in the right. He is an adult, he is allowed to "take control", he is allowed to "disrespect his father's wishes" by insisting that the three of you talk about it in an adult manner. He bought maturity to the table, and you treated him like a naughty child who had been into the cookie jar.
         
        06-18-2012, 11:59 PM
      #26
    Showing
    After reading this thread I do NOT think I am ready for parenting.. Chiilaa brought up some good points that I had been wondering about but I'm torn between that and AQHA's view.

    Gosh darn it, parenting is so confusing. Horses make much more sense!

    Even though I'm far too young right now, I now have an excuse to tell people when they ask me if there will be kids in my future, muahaha...
    stephshark likes this.
         
        06-19-2012, 12:42 AM
      #27
    Foal
    As a kid and teenager, my parents could not afford a horse or lessons, so I would work at local barns on weekends and after school in exchange for free lessons and showing privileges. Nothing infuriated me more that seeing other kids have horses bought for them, cared for by someone else, and worst of all paid for by someone else. Even as an adult owning horses, I had no choice but to take responsibility for their training and upkeep on my own- dumping them on someone else was in no way an option. Your stepson is being a selfish spoiled brat and in the long run the horse will suffer from it. He needs to act like an adult and take responsibility for this situation on his own. It is not fair to you or your other horses to have to stress your resources and sanity.
         
        06-19-2012, 12:02 PM
      #28
    Yearling
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Chiilaa    
    First of all, I want to address this. If you are forcing your husband into a situation where he is forced to chose between you and his children, he is NOT making the wrong choice to pick his kids. How can you say such a horrible thing? How can you imply that picking your children over a manipulative, controlling wife is the wrong thing to do?

    Parenting doesn't have an end point. You don't stop being a parent when the child turns 18, or 21, or 50. You are always a model for them, always part of their "ideal" of adulthood. Instead of bemoaning the fact that your husband wants to continue to be a parent for the rest of his life, why not praise him for being a good parent who wants to continue to be a parent for the rest of his life?
    I don't think AQHA was implying that she should make him choose between her and the children. That was what she was trying to avoid. Honestly, you think this is manipulative/controlling? It's gotta be hard being a step-mom, because they technically aren't your kids. Its a delicate balance of listening to your husband and taking a mother role with children that aren't used to that. Doesn't matter how old the kids are, its still difficult.

    OP is not what I would consider manipulative or controlling, I really don't know where you got that from. Manipulative people don't sit down and talk to their husbands, they pick at them, throw fits, ignore them, belittle them, or abuse them. That's manipulative. I see nothing wrong with wanting your husband to realize that his son is being immature and needs a lesson in responsibility, which the SS definitely did.

    And I don't care if they need to be "grown ups" when it comes to the time issue of talking. His father said that he wanted to talk about it later. As a daughter, if my father told me he would speak to me later about it, I would honor that request and speak to him later. Why? Not because I feel he is being disrespectful or belittling me, but simply because I respect my fathers wishes, and I am grown up enough to not have to ask "why?" when my Dad says he needs me to wait for a better time. I don't blame the husband in this case, he was working with his horse. I hate having deep conversation when I am focused on my horse, in fact I suck at it. I am too into what I am doing to say anything meaningful. I would not be surprised if the husband said "later" simply because he wanted to be in a better position to give his son his full time. He was not expecting his son to stop by, so therefore he may not have been fully prepared to confront him. But the son, once again, showed his immaturity by literally throwing a fit and stomping off, which is pathetic for a 21 year old.

    Yes, you do need to be a parent for the rest of your life, modeling for them what they should be doing. I think OP and her husband are doing their best for her SS, and are trying to give him some tough love. He obviously needs it. Coddling him and granting his every wish is not going to help him be a productive adult. What happens when someone is ACTUALLY disrespectful to him in the real world, when SM and Dad aren't around? Is he going to throw a fit and stomp away? Yeah that will get him real far.

    The whole goal of parenthood is to produce well mannered, well functioning, self-sufficient adults. You don't get that by giving them what they want or babying them. Those adults never grow up, and they are so annoying to deal with.
    kait18 and stephshark like this.
         
        06-20-2012, 03:12 PM
      #29
    Foal
    Yes, thank you. I didn't raise these kids, I inherited them at court order from DCFS, if that tells you anything, at 14 with lots of issues.

    SS and I actually have a decent relationship, but sometimes yeah just gotta say NO. And yes, DH has enablement issues he's working on, no doubt.

    Me, they have an absent mother, I took on that role, no other choice, no fence walking for me. They turned out OK, at least graduated, and not into drugs/alcohol, and work. Good outcome considering the start.

    SS hasn't talked to BM in 9 years, I am that replacement mother, so yes, I am a bit harder on him, like I was with my own son. I expect more out of him, out of care, not hate.

    I'm more mad at DH to be honest, because he didn't have the courage of his convictions to start with, he didn't want the horse either! But couldn't quite spit it out...

    I would never give DH and ultimatum on his children, I have one too, never.

    SS actually does have some respect for me, but will push it with his DH in front of me, and I do stay out of it, although, boy I want to say something so badly, because if he was my natural son, I'd say something, but it's up to DH to man up, not my job to protect him from his son's disrespect, I'm just protecting myself at the moment and then I gently bring these issues to his attention and how I believe he needs to be more cognizant of what he's allowing to take place.

    Yes, dysfunction, not doubt it, I"m just handling it the best I can out of self-preservation.
         
        06-20-2012, 03:34 PM
      #30
    Yearling
    Sorry to ask a silly question here. I get that "SS" = stepson but what does "BM" "DH" stand for...I'm embarrassed to say I don't know.
         

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