I've given up riding him altogether because it's so damaging to my confidence, each ride worse than the last...it's just not fun or healthy for either of us at this point, so he's getting a break from being ridden and just getting regularly lunged..he's pretty much living it up right about now until I can find a buyer or a friend to get jumping him which would really help his sale.
I just went through a situation with a good friend who came an inch away from buying him but decided it wasn't a good time for her to get another horse. That was pretty disappointing because she's an excellent owner and he would get to stay at my stable where I could still visit with him and see how he does...but now we're back in selling mode and I'm having to get re-used to the idea of him going away forever, which is sad after getting hopes up that I would get to keep him in my life, but I still know it is the right thing to do for sure.
The main thing that keeps me from being sad about his sale is the thought of getting my next horse and being able to ride and enjoy riding once again, after about a year of being unable to do so...so I've been looking around a lot and found some really great horses...one in particular who is so far EXACTLY what I'm looking for, but I won't get to get out there and really look at or buy any horses until my guy is sold, for financial reasons...so I can't help but feel very anxious about that.
I just really wish I could ride. It's been so hard because I've felt so discouraged by my experiences with this horse, for awhile I thought maybe I had just lost my touch until it finally hit me that things just weren't working with this particular horse and would be fine with a different type of horse...so I just want to get to that point already, where I can confidently lope around the arena or go on a trail ride or wander around the ranch bareback in nothing but a halter. With my current horse all I can do is nervously walk around the arena and maybe get him to do a slow, half-assed trot for a few strides (hard for him because he's a big, bouncy mover), then kiss the ground when I dismount.
I'm just feeling very, very, very, very impatient, but I know I shouldn't complain since at least I do get to have horses in my life even if I can't ride them for awhile. It's just hard when you have a realization like this, because horses are truly my passion and have been for so long, and I guess a part of me has sort of been missing being unable to ride...and now I've realized how easily I could get it back. I want it back!
Anyway..cookies to anyone who reads my sad, frustrated, impatient, nervous, anxious, scrambled middle-of-the-night thoughts here, haha..