Originally Posted by dbarabians
Sullys rider, this group is about friendship. Friendship is about support, love, and understanding.
Everyone has problems and if I can post about my trip to the holding cell your relationship issues will not cause a problem. Shalom
Ok, well a fair warning this post is going to be loonnnngg.
Background: We've been dating for two years (well two years in about a month), he's three years older than me, we're both college students
His family HATES me. I have always been nice to them, but they have hated me from the beginning. Mom
- I understand why his mom hates me. When we first started dating he was a huge momma's boy, to the point where it was debilitating. She is very overbearing and controlling towards him and his brother. He was early twenties when we started dating and he didn't even know how to make macaroni and cheese, the box kind. She had waited on him hand and foot his whole life and sheltered him. She always cleaned up his messes (speeding tickets for example) so he never learned to do anything. He still lives at home because he doesn't want to leave home (yikes!). Though he has moments when he does. We are both at community college right now, him because of not wanting to leave home and me because I graduated early but knew I didn't have the work ethic for a university. When we started dating that started changing, he came to me instead of her to talk and tried to figure out things with me instead of having her do all the work for him. So that's why she hates me. As soon as she saw that happening and she saw her little boy growing up and falling in love she immediately started giving him lectures about how he should break up with me. He didn't listen but that gets the ball rolling. Dad
- I'm not quite sure why his dad hates me. I actually might, his dad is very verbally abusive. And he has issues (possibly bipolar). Well when we started dating and my boyfriend was no longer hearing negative things he started to not listen to his dad when he said negative things and this bothers his dad. His dad has tried to control our relationship from the beginning and has succeeded in some ways. Again his dad told him he should break up with me like his mom did. Again he didn't listen, but hearing his dad constantly harp on him about our relationship has caused some of the issues we're dealing with. He also doesn't like that I'm three years younger even though he's 9 years older than his wife. Half-sister
- She has issues. Did drugs, was a teen mom. Married a guy who's 30 years older than her. Her mom growing up didn't allow her dad in her life because she knew he was verbally abusive. (His dad has been married 4 times BTW) She automatically hates ANY girl is his life and has been very rude to me. I have also been nothing but nice to her. He made a happy birthday post on my Facebook wall and in it he said I was the best girlfriend ever, then she got all pissed off and commented on it saying he should break up with me and where was her best sister in the world post. I personally do not consider her his family with the way she has treated him and his family (long story not going into) but I still encourage him to visit and go with him to visit her.
His cousins also hate me, because he is a "v****a" for doing anything for me. They make fun of him calling him whipped and calling him a v****a if he so much as cares about my feelings. They blame me for him not drinking because I don't drink when in fact he
is the one who doesn't want to drink. But they will not listen to him when he says it's his choice. I have also been nothing but nice to them and in fact still visit them with him. While we were at his family's house they were all there and we went up there for the weekend. I was very stressed out and upset that weekend because I knew they didn't like me. I spent all day sitting on the bench on the porch while he was off doing things with them because they did not want me involved. Around 11 PM I asked him if I could talk with him and he came inside with me. I told him how I was feeling, well they barged inside and pulled him (physically pulled him) outside and left me there. I then went outside and he came back in with me, they did this several times and he would not tell them to stop. I could hear them outside telling him to break up with me and them calling him whipped because he wanted to go in and talk to me. What I have done wrong: 1.
Tried to make him stop playing video games. I CANNOT stand video games, hate them. When we first started dating I did not know he played them and once I found out the extent I was appalled. So I tried to get him to stop playing them, but
I realized that was wrong of me and I now support him and in fact buy him video games. Because if that's what he likes and it's doing no harm, I don't have a problem with it. 2.
This one isn't so much what I did wrong, but something that has caused friction in the relationship, I am and always have been very mature for my age. He is the exact opposite. So it has caused some issues, but we have worked on them as they came and I wouldn't say that is what is going wrong now. Good and Bad of relationship:
1. The whole relationship it's been a struggle to get him to care about me or my feelings, it has always been about him.
2. He is a carbon copy of his father, selfish, ADD, and verbally abusive, possibly even bipolar
3. One second he loves me and the relationship the next he hates it
1. We have a ton in common
2. He has 95% stopped the verbal abuse because I told him I wouldn't stand for it, and that even if he apologizes it doesn't take back what he said
3. He has grown up quite a bit Current Issues:
He has serious
self esteem issues because of his father. He puts any girl I know to shame. So hearing his father, mother, and family tell him how bad are relationship is and how he should break up with me has taken a serious toll on him.
One of things we have in common is fitness, we both like fitness and he got me into cycling which I love. But over the past year he has been very unmotivated to do anything fitness wise because of his father and mother harping on him so much. His dad has been very harsh on him because of the relationship. So he has gained weight...
Which leads us to the next issue, he doesn't want to do anything anymore! It's a struggle to even get him to go into the store because he feels so bad about himself. I try and be there for him and support him and help him see himself positively. But it's a losing battle because of what he hears at home.
Which again leads us to the next issue, his parents blame everything on me. And they have him convinced that it is my fault. Which frankly I have been treated downright sh***y by them and I don't think they should have attacked and try to control the relationship like they did/do. I have done nothing to warrant them treating me or the relationship this way.
I have tried getting him to go and do more things. I try to get him to go out for a run with me. When I make food for him I make healthy meals. I've tried signing us up for fun runs and mud runs. I've tried getting him to join clubs and groups. I've tried getting him to do a skeet league with me. I've tried signing us up for photography workshops (something we have in common). But he feels so bad about himself I can't get him to do anything. And then it gets blamed back on the relationship.
Another issue- I am currently vehicle-less because my truck was totaled. I am also currently dealing with anxiety while driving because the accident that totaled my truck could have easily killed me and it really shook me up. (It was BAD). So he does have to sometimes drive me places (I try to find my own ride before I ask him), and when he does have to he gets pissed off and says I'm suffocating him. He will take me because he knows it's being a good boyfriend, but it's almost like there's an internal war going on with him about it.
It's almost like there's an internal war going on with him period. He says he doesn't want to break up, that I'm a really good girlfriend and am his dream girl. That he can see himself marrying me. And that if we broke up he would just be looking for the exact same thing to replace me and he doesn't think he'll find it. But then he also wants to break up cause of all the issues. And from pressure from his parents.
I am willing to work on everything and help him through things, I do truly love him and want him to be happy. But he doesn't want to give anything time. I have been trying and trying to get him to have a better image of himself and have been practically bending over backwards in doing so. He says him getting back into shape would help things tremendously, but he doesn't want to wait to do that. He wants it to happen overnight. I have been busting my butt to get him to get back into shape. I went and spent quite a bit of money to get him all new workout clothes, I've tried to sign us up for runs, I ask him to go run with me all the time. I bought two pairs of very expensive rollerblades to get him to rollerblade with me (again something we have in common).
I have been working on myself with the driving and will be renewing my license soon (I haven't done it since I wasn't driving) and will also be getting a vehicle soon. I think this will help but again he doesn't want to give it time. Not even two weeks. I realize it puts strain on him and am trying to change it.
It has also turned into a family or me type deal, which I don't want at all. I do want him to stand up for me to his family when they say rude demeaning things but he won't. I don't want to cut him off from his family, and I do feel that if he said something his family might back off a little and realize that he doesn't agree with them or think it's ok. I think his family thinks he agrees with them. Which he's at war with that too, he goes back and forth. Sometimes what his family did to me is wrong, sometimes they possibly have a point. I have asked him if I did anything to his family or him to deserve how they treat me and it's always a no. But then I get the well maybe they have a point.
He no longer has any friends, him not wanting to do anything and stopping what he was doing caused all but one to slowly fade away. And this again gets blamed on me. I figure if I could get him to go out and do stuff he could easily make more, but he doesn't want to go and do anything.
Well I think I covered most of everything, sorry it's so long. If anybody read it all they deserve a reward.
So at this point I'm just hurt and confused. I am willing to work on it and make some changes but I feel like he isn't. It's like he's throwing an endless pity party and nothing I can do will change that.
When things are good he makes me insanely happy and I could see staying with him. But obviously, when things are bad, they're bad. So currently he broke up with me yesterday, but as he was bringing my things over he said he couldn't do it because of said reasons above. So then he wanted me to come over. But then since then he won't talk, has been upset non stop and has been at war whether to break up with me or not. I feel like I'm drowning. But at the same time I feel like I should try and help him and save the relationship. But I do have a tendency to care too much and try too hard for others. And obviously I can't do much about it if he isn't willing to give it the time or effort.