Trying out possible "new" lease today; panicking!
This evening I am going to try out a horse to see if I want to lease her, and I am really starting to panic about it. The reason being is that I used to own this horse. A bit of backstory about me and Lola:
My parents got Lola for me when I was a teenager but due to the fact that we didn't have any clue about actually owning a horse, and the fact that those who should've guided us took advantage of our lack of knowledge, it was a rough road. In the end, we sold her because I had major issues with depression, anxiety, and OCD. It became extremely difficult for me to leave the house, so if it wasn't absolutely required that I go somewhere (like school) I didn't. As painful as it was to decide to give Lola up, I knew I couldn't keep her when I couldn't bring myself to leave the house to go ride her. Having to give her up has always been my biggest regret. I often wish things had turned out differently. We sold her to a guy who had been my riding instructor when I got her. He helped my parents find Lola for me and had always said if I ever wanted to sell, he would buy her. I knew he intended to fix her up some and sell her to someone else, which is sort of what happened. He had a woman at his barn start working with Lola, and after a short time she decided she wanted to buy Lola herself. She did, and now 10 years later she still owns Lola.
A few years ago I discovered that we had some mutual facebook friends, which caused something about her to show up on my feed. I considered contacting her but didn't want to seem like one of those crazy pushy people who thinks they still have rights to a horse they no longer own. I thought about contacting her a few other times but I always pushed it aside. About a week ago one of my friends shared a post that Lola's owner posted. It was about the fact that the people she'd gotten Lola from (my old instructor that I'd sold her to) were just bad people (which they really are, but that's a story for another time). After reading that I decided to grow a pair and contact her. I wrote a short message letting her know that I'd used to own Lola and that I'd always regretted selling her but that seeing that she had a good home made me regret it a little less. We started talking. She was interested in knowing about Lola's past, and she told me about how things have gone for her for the past 10 years. It has been great getting to hear about how she's doing, even though it's been very tough reliving a pretty painful time in my life.
During our conversations, Lola's owner told me she was looking for someone to lease her. I told her I'd gone back to riding a few years ago and asked if she'd be ok with me maybe leasing Lola. She agreed that would be fine, so I am going to try her out this evening.
Now onto the point of this post. I'm panicking about this. It's probably a combination of factors. I really want this lease to work out. I've told myself I can't lease her just because I miss her. We have to be a good fit. I've got to judge her as if she was just some random horse I'd be leasing. So now I'm all worried that we won't work well together anymore. I'm worried about meeting her owner. She has been nothing but nice in all of our conversations so I have no reason to believe she'll be any different when we meet in person. But this is one of my things. I have a bit of social phobia so I get all irrational about meeting new people and interacting with people. I get worried that they'll think badly of me or that I'll make a fool of myself. I think mostly I'm worried I won't ride Lola well and her owner will look at me and think, "Yeah right. You suck at riding. No way are you leasing my horse."
So, anyway. I'm freaking out majorly. Anyone have any calming words or advice?