For those who were following my other thread:
I... I don't know what I want anymore. :/
(Sorry it took so long, I was out of town for almost a week)
When I got to my barn on Saturday for my lesson, I rode X because V thought I was going to ride Lollipop after. I thought maybe my trainer had changed her mind or V had talked to her but it wasn't the case. ANyhow I went and had a lesson on X but it was pretty mediocre because I wasn't all there. My concentration was poor, I was having trouble with x, just simple trouble I would usually be able to fix but I was sort of a mess. I guess because my trainer had just told me of something that would kill my horse budget and I was worrying about money. Tried to forget about it and leave it for later but the feeling just stuck to me.
Anyhow I asked my trainer if I could ride Lollipop after lessons, because V had said I could and my trainer didn't really seem to like that idea. She just told me V wasn't the one who makes those decisions and if I wanted I could ride her next lesson.
(sigh) So I decided to just take that. I decided I was goign to forget about showing until I actually made more money (hence more than a poor summer job could ever give me) and was actually good enough to compete high enough and place decently.
For now I am just going to concentrate on Lollipop. When she explodes I get a bit nervous but her canter is so smooth I don't get scared going fast with her, and I think that's what I need to not be scared of X's canter. His is really comfortable but he likes to go fast and because he's big, it's like I am in a big awkward rocking chair and I don't feel secure (bad seat I suppose).
Anywho so that's it. I'll tell you how things go with Lolli and how my confidence increases.