Its rather easy for me to swing emotionally right now so I'm going to rant and get it off my chest. No one in my life understands this. I'm finally on my own and supporting myself now. Living in a room in a house with a few other roommates. I had to quit my job to move to where I am at, so I'm looking for a new job. This plus school is stressing me out. I'm missing my family. Its raining outside, I'm listening to my soft rock pandora station and have a candle burning. Setting myself up for disaster...probably but it helps me think and relax most of the time.
I ended up coming to one thought, I miss Jake.
I miss him nickering at me from the gate of his pen, ears forward bobbing his head slightly. I miss the fact that he was able to tell that I was on the barn grounds from the moment I was in his line of vision and he would perk up even when I was a good 300 yards away walking through the other pens. I miss the fact that he was a spitfire ride, even at 24 years old. I miss the fact that he forced me to be a better rider and that he never put up with my mistakes that I made because I wanted to rush, or I was loosing my temper. At the same time he was always forgiving me for my mistakes that I couldn't help. In a sense he was perfect in making me a better person...and a better rider. I miss having confidence that I had the most bomb-proof horse I have seen in my entire life. This horse was a definition of fearless, he never told me no, even if the task was physically impossible for him he would still try...for me. He isn't gone, in theory I can visit him when ever I would want, but around 600 miles separate me from him.
I haven't been on the back of a horse since the last time I rode Jake a month ago. Heck I haven't touched a horse since I gave Jake one last hug before I drove away leaving him in the pasture at my father's house. The last time I actually saddled up and really actively rode a horse was probably about 4-6 months ago.
One of my main problems no is that I have no idea what to do with myself. Horses have been my everything. Its been who I am, I have always been one of those that lives and breaths horses. Its part of my identity. Now I don't have that. I knew this point was coming and I have been separating myself from the hobby for a while...trying to find other things to fill my time. Trying to make other things become a part of me. One reason I picked up drawing again was to help fill this gap. I've also tried writing but that doesn't seem to fill the gap for me. It makes me sad that writing is not what it used to be for me. Neither is drawing really...I feel like my creative input has died.
I snowboard in the winter, hike whenever the weather permits, swim in the summer, camp/travel in the summer and hang out with friends. I am very rarely bored or have free time. All of these things are not doing what I want them to do. I feel so incomplete.
I don't have money to be involved with horses right now, not for owning, a lease or lessons. I also don't have the money to join the show team on campus. I just want to learn more and feel the connection again...the satisfaction of learning something new and training to get it right between the horse and rider.
Some ideas that have come into my head is that I could become part of the barn riders on campus. They take care of the arabians that my school owns and breeds. But I'm sure that put me around horses but it doesn't give me the opportunity to really work with them as I'm sure it would be the older broodmares. The other one is that I look for a working student position for the summer. Which I like the idea but the bad stories scare me a bit.
I just honestly don't know what to do with myself, I feel heartbroken over a hobby...my passion...my horse. I don't know how to cure it. I'm looking at years before I can cure it before I can afford to get back into horses.