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What would you do?? *warning long post*

7K views 62 replies 24 participants last post by  Foxhunter 
#1 ·
Right I will warn everyone now this is a long post and will try and put as much detail into the post about the situation as I can.

Right my boyfriend at the time helped me relise my childhood dream of having my own horse and he brought me a horse, we have since split. My mum was struggling paying rent for the yard she rents and said I could keep my horse with her ponies and my 18 year old sisters horse (She dont pay rent ect mum does pays all for her apart from now and then her boyfriend buys stuff for her) As long as i payed rent and pay towards the food for my horse cause there was no point me buying my own food as it would take up space and no point having double feeds there as shes on the same as some of my mums. Im a single parent and looking for work to get more coming in, My mum know says I owe her like £300 (shes brought stuff with out notifying me) and now shes telling me i should send my horse to the collage my sister studies at (which will mean there will only be four days a month I can actually go and see my horse casue i only have 4 days a month where my daughter goes to her dads parents) or sell my horse... Mum has being going on about how im to fat to ride my horse too (she does need more build up on her top line but i ride her once every two weeks and thats if my mum allows me too, My 18 sis rides her a lot to help build her up and even then thats with out them asking me first or again letting me know) I dont even have a key to the gate to the yard or the tack room so I cant do nothing with my horse enless they are there anyway. So mums been really nasty today all because i told her i dont want to send my horse to the collage and i broke down in tears and said i would rather sell her so least im not feeling like im letting my horse down by hardly being able to see her ect and so shes not being wasted and my mum rekons she wont allow me to sell her till i pay her £300 for the stuff shes brought her like extra hay and girths ect she didnt need at the time ect, So i said you can have that money when i sell her so she said or you can just give us your horse and scrap the £300 you owe me and you can ride her next year when you lose weight, Im 12 1/2 stone 5 foot 6, My horse is a dwb 16.2 and her privious owner who had her many years was same height but 15 plus stone and never had any problems. this horse jumps up to 6foot and could possibly go higher and is very high in dressage and also does XC... my boyf at the time payed £1000 for her and my mum said she was worth more than that, she knows privious owner and she was only that price as it was health issues that previous owner has that forced her to sell her.

Im just wondering what other people would do in this situation??

Its breaking my heart big time and its caused many hours of tears too... :'(
 
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#2 ·
That sounds like a rough situation all around. How old are you? If you are a parent yourself, it sounds like you're plenty old enough to be running your own life rather than having your family run roughshod over you.

You may need to take a hard look at yourself, your life, and your finances. Can you afford to take care of this horse on your own? If so, it sounds like you need to move her somewhere else, where you can take care of her and ride her as you see fit. If it was me, I'd pay my mom off the money she thinks I owe her over time as I could afford to, just so she couldn't hold that over me any more.

If your mare is a healthy horse, at 16+ she should have no problems carrying your weight. If you cannot afford to take care of this horse, then selling her may well be your best option. I expect that no matter what you decide to do, it will be very dramatic and with much complaint from your family's side. Oh well. You'll have to learn to do what you know needs doing or continue on with the status quo...
 
#3 ·
Hmm! Nothing you have written, sounds good.

You say you are a single mum and seeking work. Who is keeping you now? If you are on government assistance, then you shouldn't be owning a horse. If you have some kind of other income and are well able to take care of your home and child and with money left over, then you should possibly find another yard, in which to stable your horse. Pay that which you owe to your mum and move.

You sound very young. Does the father of your child, help with finances? If not, make sure he does. Your writing suggests the need for more schooling. Sell the horse. Go back to school. Learn a trade. Later, when you have a paying career, you can easily purchase another horse.

You say your horse jumps 6'. Very unusual for the average horse. If indeed this is true, then you should be able to generate a quite good price for him.

I wish you well. Young, single mothers, have a very difficult time these days.

Lizzie
 
#4 ·
I'm sorry for your situation, but I have to agree with FeatheredFeet's post. You are a single mother and have a child to raise so selling the horse or if you can't part with her letting your sister take it would free you up from the expense and worry of owning her.

You need to concentrate on supporting yourself and your child, and working on your future financial security. I don't mean to be harsh but you can't have it all sometimes. Work now to secure the future, and then worry about keeping a horse after you've provided for your child.
 
#5 ·
OP-as difficult as it may seem, you have gotten good advice, and right now-the kid(s) are priority 1. I was not a single parent and still had to give up riding until they were a bit older....then I leased for abit. Reassess, reprioritze if necessary and do what you have to do to place family first.
 
#6 ·
I dont mean to sound ungreatfull for all you advice ect but I think its a bit out of order some of the things said.

1. My daughter gets everything she needs and always does. She never goes with out what she needs and has all my time and love to. My daughter is NOT missing out on anything just because I have a horse.

2. There are MANY people in the world who dont work but have a horse. Me not working is not my choice and hence now my daughter is at full time school it is giving me more time to find a job to get back to work. Im not just some 'scum' on benifits who is not caring for her daughter cause i have a horse ect.

3. Im 27 years old

4. So yeh my daughter is loved and looked after and feed and watered and bathed and clean and all she should be, im not a bad mum and my horse is the same. Im not the kind to neglect either my daughter or my horse.

What I am saying is that i dont just have a spare £300 sitting in my pocket to give my mum just so she gives me the permision to sell MY horse if thats what I decided to do, and I dont just intend to 'hand over' MY horse to my sister who dont pay for sod all her self, but with my mum not letting me sell her first then give her the money I apparently owe its making the situation difficault as I dont like the situation and I love my horse to bits but trying to do whats best for her but my mum is making that hard but not allowing me to sell her till she gets £300 or just hand my horse to them etc
 
#9 ·
If your mom is holding that money over your head, then I think you're best option is to sell the horse, use that money to pay your mom back and save for a horse all on your own, no strings attached. It sounds like if you keep this horse, there will always be something she will hold over your head making it more of a hassle than it is worth. Good luck!
 
#15 ·
If your mom is holding that money over your head, then I think you're best option is to sell the horse, use that money to pay your mom back and save for a horse all on your own, no strings attached. It sounds like if you keep this horse, there will always be something she will hold over your head making it more of a hassle than it is worth. Good luck!

Even though my boyf at the time paid for the horse she wont allow me to sell till i pay back this £300 i apparently owe her, but shes not shown me anything on paper of what its ment to be for.
 
#10 ·
OP, you asked in your thread title, "what would you do" and that is exactly what the people responding to you answered with - very kindly and politely I might add - so there is no reason to respond with venom. Seeing that you are not receptive to honest assessment of the situation I am not going to waste my breath.
 
#16 ·
OP, you asked in your thread title, "what would you do" and that is exactly what the people responding to you answered with - very kindly and politely I might add - so there is no reason to respond with venom. Seeing that you are not receptive to honest assessment of the situation I am not going to waste my breath.

To be fair it was not nice to see things that personaly I took to suggesting that cause of the type of income i am on I should not have a horse and 2 that my daughter is in anyway being left out or going with out ect. Sorry I jumped to my defence but Its a TOUGH sittuation for me at the moment and I dont mean to sound ungreatfull for people taking the time to respond but as its braking my heart all this I did get a bit offended but the questions remarking my daughter and income. But thank you for taking the time to reply.
 
#17 ·
Ask her straight out what she really wants and let her speak without interruption. Obviously she has a problem with your weight. Ask her why. I have a hunch this is just surface stuff and you need to get to the real issues. People often fight over money issues when it's not the real issue.

Have tried that in the past, Shes always put me down about my weight since I was about 13-14 Im a big ish build and a size 14 but dont have a flat/tonned tummy.. But thank you for your input :)
 
#12 ·
The bottom line here is: how much food/bedding/supplies does it take to maintain your horse at a healthy weight? How much does this cost monthly/weekly. Regardless of whether she "asked/told" you, your mother has an obligation to maintain the horse in good health while it is in her care. You agreed to contribute towards that care. So, looking at the cost of maintaining your horse, what do the above mentioned supplies cost? How much, exactly, have you been contributing? If you can't afford to pay what it takes to maintain your horse at a healthy weight and meeting its routine costs, then you need to find someone who can. It was clearly established that your mother expected you to maintain your horses needs financially, and you are falling short. The RESPONSIBLE and caring thing to do is find your horse a home, for both the horses benefit, and your mothers (it isn't okay to dump a horse on someone, not pay as agreed, and still expect to be the owner). Were the horse in your backyard, without money, or ENOUGH money contributed as needed, you'd have an unhealthy rack of bones. You are unjustly expecting your mom to cover your shortfalls. Perhaps there is more that you have not mentioned, but based on what you have already said, I think you owe it to your mother and the horse to find a home where paying its needs isn't such a burden.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#13 ·
O/P sounds to me like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. Also sounds to me like your mom is not so subtly trying to force you to give your horse to your sister. If this was me I'd do this:
1. Call a "family meeting" with your mother and perhpas your sis also. Ask them straight what their issues with you/ your horse/ your weight, etc are. Try to listen and understand.
2. If this is really how you feel, tell her straight, but try to be nice about it that you would rather sell the horse and that is she wants her $300 she's just going to have to allow you to sell the horse.
Then do a serious recalculation of your finances and decide honestly if you can afford to keep your horse somewhere else, cause It sounds to me like this arrangement with your mother isn't working out.
But I think you need to first have a heart to heart with your mother, find out what her issues are and if and how they can be resolved.
 
#18 ·
Tried that and theres never a straight answer, Told my mum straight and broke down in tears over it and she dont listen. I said If i sell her you can have the money then but she wont allow me to do that (the £300 i am ment to owe is for things I didnt ask them to buy or that she didnt need ie stuff she already had and didnt need 2/3 of)

I pay all I should pay, Ie my yard rent, her feed weekly, her hay., I chip in with all work, I buy things for the yard if needed (like when we have had work done up there, or even done the work myself, like built a new storage hut for the feed ect) I pay the farrier when my horse sees him ect ect.

So its not like i expect my mum to do it all or pay it all, bear in mind my 18 year old sis dont pay anything that I pay ect.

But thank you for your response and taking the time to post it :)
 
#14 ·
You don't have to sell the horse, your Mum is giving you the option for the family to keep it, and just let both your sister and you have access to it.
As you are not paying for the horse, I think this is a pretty fair deal, honestly.

Can you ask your Mum if you can work off any of the 300 you owe?

As you are not working at the moment, the only way you are able to keep this horse is because your mum is helping you, and paying for it. You don't have the income to move it to another yard, so you are reliant on your Mum. Let her hold for the horse for you, so you still have access to it, shared with your sister until you can afford to keep it yourself.

It completely sounds to me that your Mum is trying to help you stand on your own two feet, rather than just baling you out with money. And at 27 with your own child - this is totally reasonable to me.
 
#19 ·
You don't have to sell the horse, your Mum is giving you the option for the family to keep it, and just let both your sister and you have access to it.
As you are not paying for the horse, I think this is a pretty fair deal, honestly.

Can you ask your Mum if you can work off any of the 300 you owe?

As you are not working at the moment, the only way you are able to keep this horse is because your mum is helping you, and paying for it. You don't have the income to move it to another yard, so you are reliant on your Mum. Let her hold for the horse for you, so you still have access to it, shared with your sister until you can afford to keep it yourself.

It completely sounds to me that your Mum is trying to help you stand on your own two feet, rather than just baling you out with money. And at 27 with your own child - this is totally reasonable to me.

I do pay for my horse, My sister dont pay for hers. This money Im ment to owe my mum is for things they brought of there own back and things my horses didnt need as she already had, But I have never seen any kind of log of prices ect. I also do jobs around the yard and I also cheak on all the horses not just mine when my mum can not get up to the yard and she has 7 including my 18 year old sisters horse. Me and my partner at the time before I even got my horse was up the yard fixing all fencing and including making new fencing for the fields for her and that was before I even decided to get a horse after working out my finances. So its really not like I got a horse when i cant afford it and dumped it on my mum then left it... I pay what I should pay for my horses up keep and for what she needs ect as well as do jobs around the yard and mattinance ect. My issues is the fact my mum says im too fat all the time and wont allow me to ride my horse and the fact if i decide to sell she wont allow me cause i owe her £300 (which I dont just have sitting in my pocket) but is happy for me to just hand my horse over, Yet my sister who is old enough to work and has no kids ect dont have to pay for the up keeping of her horse only things she decideds to get her horse and even then its her boyf that pays for it. So yeh I do pay for my mare I wouldnt of got her if I couldnt pay for the basics of a horses everyday living ect. But again thank you for taking the time to respond :)
 
#21 ·
I'm a bit confused... and forgive me if I'm missing something. But you're a grown woman, obviously independent. The horse is yours, you own him and pay for him. Why do you need your mother's permission to do anything with him? If you want to sell him, you should just be able to do so. If she's going to try and exhibit that kind of control, can you consider moving to a different barn? I think this may be the reason some people thought you were so young. Asking permission is expected if you're under 18, but after that if he's genuinely your horse she shouldn't be able to forbid you from selling him If you wanted to. yes he is on her property, but that shouldn't give her rights to dictate whether or not to sell him, even if you owe 300 dollars. That's like blackmail, telling you she won't let you do anything with him until you pay her.
 
#25 ·
That was my point excatly... I can only ride my horse ect when she allows me to and I dont have ket to the yard gate or take room so I cant do anything when they are not there at all apart from go to my horse in the field. Cant bring her in or anything and just groom ect cause i cant get to my stuff in the tack room enless they are there. Even though I get asked to go cheak on the horses when they cant go up there ect. The £300 I owe is for extra girths ect they brought her with out my aklodgement ect. Since I got my horse in june Ive maybe rode her about 8 times either cause I havent had access to the take room or because Ive been told im not aloud to ride her cause of my weight.

Thank you for your reply :)
 
#22 ·
Something just doesn't ring true here. This lady says she doesn't work, but just to live and pay rent or a mortgage, plus food, transport, clothing etc., somebody is footing the bill. Maybe she actually also lives with her mother.

She says her mother will not allow her to sell the horse, until she pays the money owed. Why not sell this horse, who apparently jumps 6' and should fetch much more than the money owed? This way, mother could be paid from the proceeds and our OP would have quite a lot of money left over.

I absolutely understand the OP not wanting to part with her horse. It is always difficult to sell a beloved animal, but in this case, if in fact everything we've been told is true, it might be the only way out. If sold, at some point in the future, she might even be able to purchase the horse back.

If in fact the OP does have some kind of an income, then she could possibly find a new yard, pay the month in advance or whatever is required and move the horse when her mother and sister are not around. Not the best idea in the circumstances, but it is her horse and at 27 years old, she should be able to take charge of the situation and do something.

Lizzie
 
#24 ·
Something just doesn't ring true here. This lady says she doesn't work, but just to live and pay rent or a mortgage, plus food, transport, clothing etc., somebody is footing the bill.
I believe that she is on Income Support (or whatever it's currently called, as I have not lived in the UK for over a decade).

To be fair it was not nice to see things that personaly I took to suggesting that cause of the type of income i am on I should not have a horse
If that is the case Angelghost, I believe that it is morally corrupt to have a horse. And you do need to relinquish control to your Mum or sell her.

You also sound jealous that your 18 year old sister is not paying for anything, while you have to. However you said that you are 27 (I think). There's quite a big difference in expected responsibilities between 18-27.
 
#31 ·
I would work my butt off and move. Youre 27. Your mother should not be telling you what to do. You are more than capable of making decisions on your own.

Thank you hun, Thats what Im trying to do. It would also help as where my mums yard is at the moment is a hour drive each way at the moment so some where closer would be of benifit too. Its just mum refusing me to do anything with my horse no matter how much I talk to her and try to discuss things with her.

Thank you for your reply :)
 
#27 ·
find a day when they are there, take YOUR TACK not the extra they bought for your horse, ad get your horse and MOVE.

simple solution. if your mom is trying to squeeze money out of you for something you dont owe, just remove yourself from the equation.

its not unheard of for parents to support an 18 yr old. my parents helped my sister out for 4 more years while she was in college, helping with rent and what not because she was a full time student...didnt have time for a job.

now maybe thats not the case with your sister...but honestly how much can you really expect an 18 yr old to make?

my parents are still paying for my horses and im 20...but im in Hawaii and cant have them here...so i send them money when i can.

by 27 you should hopefully have a ground base of money that you can use to move your horse to a different barn.

theres no reason to stay at your moms place.
 
#30 ·
move her when they ARE there.

go at this like you would at any other barn. dont let your mom railroad you just because she is your mother. this is a business agreement/issue and yall need to go about this that way instead of mother daughter having a slug fest kind of deal.

give your notice, pay for what you owe, find a barn to move your horse and on they day you want to moke make sure shes going to be there.



i dont see how SHE wont let you sell your own horse...do you have the papers for this horse? is your name listed as the owner? if so then that is YOUR horse to deal with and YOUR horse to sell. not her.

scrounge up the money somehow if you need to to pay her back and then burn rubber outta dodge.
 
#33 ·
I fail to see how the horse is yours yet you can't do anything with it. I was 15-16 ish when my mare became mine and I had 100% say in what happened with her. If the horse is legally yours, you do NOT need permission to do anything with it. It's yours, plain and simple.
Posted via Mobile Device
This - either there is a big piece of the story missing here or you are confusing "don't want to" (for fear of angering your mum, not willing/able to board the horse anywhere else, etc) with "can't"
 
#36 ·
1. I pay for my horse! My mum does NOT pay for my horse ( as stated many times the £300 she is saying I owe her are for things she has brought MY horse with out consulting me and things she didnt need, Ie girth ect and other tack she already had that I brought her) I Pay my horses yard rent, feed, hay, vet bills if needed the vet, farrier, dentist when needed, First aid care, Health and body care ect ect

2. I can leagly work up to 16 hours with out my benifits being affected... As for CSA I made a claim 15 months ago and still not recived my payments.
 
#42 ·
1. I pay for my horse! My mum does NOT pay for my horse ( as stated many times the £300 she is saying I owe her are for things she has brought MY horse with out consulting me and things she didnt need, Ie girth ect and other tack she already had that I brought her) I Pay my horses yard rent, feed, hay, vet bills if needed the vet, farrier, dentist when needed, First aid care, Health and body care ect ect

2. I can leagly work up to 16 hours with out my benifits being affected... As for CSA I made a claim 15 months ago and still not recived my payments.
Are you PHYSICALLY able to work more than 16 hours a week? Are you purposely avoiding exceeding the allowable hours so as to continue to receive benefits?
 
#38 ·
:shock:
 
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