This is a semi rant, and a lack of self belief.
Everything is going to the dogs, quite literally.
I live in Germany with my parents, my dad was in the military and now works for them as a civilian. This camp is closing, and we have no idea where we're going next. I have no idea how long my job is here for. No job, no Duffy.
Rufus, my english setter, was really really ill weekend before last, throwing up blood all over the place. That bill, his castration bill and his blinking teeth clean came in at a total of €454... that's going to wait till next month. Someone asked after him and I said yeah, he's fine now he's cost me a small fortune and the person just rounded on me and said if I can't afford to give my animal what he requires I shouldn't have him, and that I am cruel.. pointed out he had the treatment he recieved, and the bill will be paid. Still upsetting someone said that, as I have never denied my animals anything they require, I work extra hours, another part time job and babysit at every opportunity to save for everything I need.
Now Duffy... has been a nightmare under saddle. She nearly wiped out my trainer's other half over the weekend, scraped past him. We were no where near him, my outside leg was on, and she jumped over towards him, even though I believe there was no reason for this as she's extremely loving towards him.
Saturday my lesson was cancelled as my trainer was ill, but I really really needed her help.. you know when you just feel like you're going no where? And things you've been doing for ages don't even work.
Sunday was horrific. I rode her, and we just fought, in the end I got off in tears and put her in her box, because I couldn't even bare to look at her she upset me that much, she did the whole thing with her ears forward, running off, bucking when I ask for canter, pulling her head down. Teeth were checked three weeks ago, saddle was reflocked and fitted a couple of weeks ago, so that's all that ruled out. Maybe its just the winter weather.
I was too embarrassed to tell my trainer about Sunday on Monday as there were a load of people around, so I left it. She knows, I think someone told her, and she came in and beasted me for free last night, oh the joys, and had a firm word and said if I stress out, why bother riding basically, and that she thinks I'm asking too much of Duffy.. She is over hard, but she's brilliant, and the harder she is on me, the harder I try. But she then got me to get Duffy going forwards forwards forwards on a longer rein.. which goes against everything she's been teaching me, so need to speak to her tonight so we're singing off the same hymn sheet.
Then, to make it better, picked the sand out of Duffy's feet, was leading her to her stable block and she lifted her head, and I had reins and a bit in my hand.. no horse. Brand new Kieffer bridle, only 4 months old, both cheek pieces broken. If she had stood on it, I could understand, but she just gave a jerk of her head.
So no bridle, going to try and fit my dad's old one to her tonight.