Is there any way you can get a local trainer to come over and give you some lessons on how to interact with your horse?
That would be your best bet. When you learn about the whys and whats of horse behavior and how to act around her so you can teach her what you expect of her, things may then settle down. Til then....
It can and may get worse, because you're not thinking like a horse. She can't think like a human but you've got to think like a horse to understand and know how to communicate with her to stop the unwanted behavior.
Horses have a pecking order, right? One is dominant. That horse is that way, because that horse is willing to fight for it. Once the other horse(s) submit and act submissive around that dominant horse to his/her satisfaction, the dominant horse typically tones down the "violence."
Horses respond to the assertive but fair leader.
i don't understand it. Im very kind to her, I do not beat her up, I do not hit her often. (a smack on the chest if she's being rude.) I hear the horses can reflect their riders... but I am not an agressive person. I am very calm.
Your natural calmness is a definite plus. It's not about aggression toward her, it's not about being her "boss." It's about earning the right as the lead in your little herd (you and her).
Horses can figure out the pecking order among themselves. But throw in a human and they are clueless. We're too weird and contradictory in our manner for them to figure out on their own that they're not supposed to hurt us but that they're supposed to be careful around us and listen to get along.
Your mare has no idea. So, she only knows how to act like a horse in charge...she'll pin her ears and may escalate the "violence" til you submit. Why? Because she's not getting any real consistent solid signals from you that you're willing to "take charge" and stay in that position all the time. You faulter.
Horses live in the moment. So...one minute you may think you're okay, and the next minute, something bad happens and you think...what the hell???
You can't take a break from being the "herd leader" in your little herd of 2.
If you can't get a local trainer to come help you (not about sending the horse out, but about getting training for you and the horse at the same time....so you can train your horse, but with supervision and a trainer helping you out).....then get started by finding some DVDs and try your best to find a trainer anyway. There's no substitute for a live person.
Clinton Anderson, Dennis Reis, John Lyons..... these trainers all have material that has helped me to train horses and to fix people's problems by training the people. (I was certified under Lyons, and am studying the Reis program right now for endorsements and have applied CA and Chris Cox and others as well).....so, I can confidently say that this stuff does work if you follow it how it was meant to be.
Anyhow, can you train your horse? Yes. But you need to arm yourself with some knowledge about horses.....they have their own little world and the more you know about it, the easier it'll be for you to see what you're doing or not doing...and what you can do to change your mare's behaviors by first changing your own. Because, really, that's what needs to change first. For example, becoming an active trainer, instead of a reactive one (preventing the bad behavior instead of just reacting with a slap or whatever, which clearly isn't working, right?).....
Get some study material. Then tackle the lesson plans one at a time. Don't skip anything. Be as detailed as possible and never in a hurry. Always go at the horse's pace, not your own and you'll be okay.
But please, do find a trainer if you can.