Without being there it is sure hard to tell why you can't achieve or try to achieve this. Sounds like you for sure are lacking the first two of the pyramid. Regardless of the level of training the horse has received, it needs to have the relaxation( which means a whole lot more than just being relaxed ....
You need to bring calmness into the horse. Seems like the horse will not give you the opportunity to even try to ride into the hands, because she may not be ready for it.
How does she work bending exercises, volte, circles slightly 'tilting' the head or yielding ? Is she equally nervous there
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