For Heleen, here is my very long response. I hope it makes sense. it's much easier to do than to explain. Sorry for such a long block of text.
I am sure that you are doing that absolute best that you can, all by yourself. And it must feel a bit like walking around in a room full of furniture with the lights turned off, lots of stumbling and bumping. Most of us have the luxury of access to a trainer, or another rider with more experience, or even a long history of riding experience ourselves. (I do NOT have that. I started really riding at 41. I am 55 now) We don’t have to struggle and thrash around all on our own.
This is where it becomes obvious how helpful those online videos from various trainers can be. You have the ability to watch them work with horses, and mimic their actions, their body language and know what to look for in your own horse. If you were working with a good trainer in person, you’d get that sort of guidance slowly, step by step with the trainer pointing places where you did not get what you needed to get, and so you’d go back and try again. Without that, you are likely to miss some of the important concepts and focus overly on the outside appearance of groundwork, and thus kind of just go through the motions. However, if that is all that you can do for now, it’s better than nothing. You do the best you can in your given situation.
The thing that I always keep in mind with ground work is that you know you’ve done enough when you see a change in your horse. You are always looking to get a change, not do a certain number of “games” or steps. This is what’s hard for us non-trainers to always see. We get so focused on the mechanics of ground work we lose sight of what we are doing the groundwork for.
Your horse is very likely “spoiled”. I don’t really like to use those words, since they create a very negative reaction and set up even a sense of guilt from the rider , for allowing this to happen and a feeling that the horse is “ruined”. But, maybe instead of feeling guilty, we can approach the “spoiled” horse with a bit of sense of apology. Kind of , “I’m sorry dear that I didn’t make this clear earlier, but we have to change this up, for your own good.” The spoiled horse isn’t ruined. It’s just got a wrong idea about the world, and the owner has been going along with that idea, and since they’ve both been holding the same idea, it’s been a very pleasant and peaceful place to be. Thus the reason many horse owners say that their horse is “sweet” on the ground, and has a soft eye, and is very loving to them, on the ground, but different in the saddle when asked to ‘work’.
The purpose of ground work for such a horse is to change up the horse’s view, so that she no longer thinks that she can move when she wants to and resist when she wants to. A confident /experienced rider could change that up really quick in the saddle, but those of us who know we cannot win a bucking bout will try to do it on the ground. Even the very best riders usually prefer to do groundwork rather than have the horse buck through it’s tantrum . in any case, keep in mind that you are looking for a CHANGE, not to do a certain number of games, or go through some steps.
It will be the quality of the horse’s reaction to the ground work that matters more than the quantity of groundwork that you actually do. You can go all day going through a number of steps, but if she never really changes her reaction to you, then you wasting your time, and dulling her out , too.
So, in specifics, that means if you ask the horse to move off, and she kicks out at the whip, or pins her ears, don’t think that she has done enough because she moved out. she has not changed . she still does not think you should be moving her, and her reaction is full of resentment and resistance. If you got her to move off with the above expressions of body language, then said, “ok, I got her to move off, now what?” you would be moving right past a huge sticky place and leaving that bad attitude IN her. Continuing to push around such a bad attitude only builds up her resentment and irritability, and can make a crabby horse mean. You have to stay in THAT step and get THAT step to be really prompt, really responsive , with not back talk from your horse. Her attitude has to be addressed.
So, as to specifics. This is just a guess, since I am worlds away and cannot see your horse or how you handle her and how she reacts. But, I doubt that desensitizing is what she needs. It sounds more like she needs some “driving”, more sensitizing to the driving aids. You want to be working more on having her experience you making her move, when and how you want her to move, than having her stand around and accept the whip (your ultimate driving aid).
If you had a round pen, that would be ideal. Even a smallish paddock (large enough for her to pick up a good fast canter, but small enough she cannot run so far away that you cannot apply driving pressure on her . I’d do a good session just on making her move! Both directions, and briskly. If she kicked out at me, Id ask for a bit more. I don’t use a “handy” stick because if the horse is not willing to move out promptly, I can’t really apply good , sharp pressure. A lunge or dressage whip is what I prefer, and I will move it briskly through the air to create a whirring sound. I don’t actually hit the horse with it, since to do so would bring me in close enough that she could kick me. I want to move her along without her being able to hurt me. ”. This is only for a horse that really is resistant to moving , who sucks back against the pressure with resistance. They walk or trot off, but you can see in their faces that they are giving you as little as they can get away with. Your job is to not accept that but ask for them to “turn loose” to you. That means they allow you to send them forward, and later to draw them toward you, just as you direct.
A horse that is very light and even fearful, would be too afraid of the whip, and any “whirring”. That’s the horse that might need some desensitizing, and might work better with a “handy stick” or just plain body language. But, I get the feeling that your horse may need a sharper driving tool. Do, however, remember that you are always, ultimately, trying to get her to respect the LEAST amount of driving aid, so you always ask first with a very small amount of pressure, but go up to whatever is required to get a good response, and don’t spend a lot of time in between the little “ask” and the big “demand”. So, yeah, you need to have one or two session where your only objective is to get her to really give herself to your direction to “Go Forward!”. If she shows a lot of attitude, you get clear and firm with her. You are going to change up her world, and first comes this breaking out, and going forward, now!
When you get her to let loose and go forward, and start working a bit on getting her to trot, then trot faster, then trot slower, then come to a walk, then trot on, then canter, and canter faster, then allow her to drift to a walk then ask her to move back up to a canter. Start experimenting with changing her gait/speed. A word of warning: do not make her crazy by making her run around and around for hours. If you get some good , honest responses, you can quit. But, the first time, be sure that you really feel a change in her reaction. It feels like the horse goes from moving around through molasses (treacle?) to moving around freely and lightly. That’s the place to quit.
So, that’s the first objective; get her moving forward freely.
The next thing to work on is proper leading manners. This is something you do ALL the time. People lead differently, but all leading should require the horse to be watching you and ready to “follow” you , whether you are walking, stopping, turning.
I like to use a rope halter, with a 12 foot rope lead. I ask the horse to never allow his head to go beyond my hand, and I hold my hand out to my side. It’s not that important if it’s a bit in front or a bit in back, unless your horse is very pushy, in which case I would keep ,my leading hand a bit behind me. Think of that as a brick wall. Your horse , if he passes it, will hit his nose into a brick wall. Obviously, you have to create that brick wall, and once the horse knows it’s there, you need only make small reminders (a little jiggle of the rope when he is just about to cross the line), and if the he/she still moves beyond the border of your hand, then you give the lead a good snap downward, or, you throw the leadline up against the horse’s neck, whatever gets his attention and then you get him to back up.
That’s another thing that you need to work on; backing up. This is a very good thing to get good. It helps get a dominant horse to focus on you and give you some control of his feet. Again, the quality of the back up is more important than just doing a number of them. It’s really more than I can describe right now, but the one thing that you want to remember in this, and really in all groundwork, is the you want the first signal to be your body language, then you use your tools to reinforce that. So, for a back up, the lean of your body will signal to the horse to get ready to back up, and you reinforce that with the leadline, and then with a whip or the tail end of the rope, to get the horse to put some energy (life) into his legs and move back. Back up can be done both facing the horse, or facing forward, with the horse.
This is something that I might do a lot of watching videos of , of various trainers showing the back up. But, with a spoiled, pushy horse, you really want to be sure that the horse is backing up with some willingness, and not a whole lot of resentment. Once you get that willingness, give her a break from that bit of training. You got that CHANGE, so quit. The next time , the next day or so, that you ask her to back up, you will look for her to be as good as you got at the end of your training on the day before. She might regress, but she’ll likely be better than when you first started. Don’t allow the “old” kind of response, expect the “new “ level of obedience, every time you work with her, although understand that she might try to go back to her old way and you’ll need to “sharpen” her frequently. It’s about YOU remembering to expect more from her, every time you interact with her.
Anyway, this is what I would work on:
‘get an honest forward in a small pen. That should include cantering, as long as the horse is in good health, and the footing is decent.
Learn to back up your horse from in front of her.
Work on having her lead in a subordinate position, and back up with you next to her (facing forward).
For awhile, don’t hand feed her. If you want to give her a treat, like after she let you catch her in the pasture, put it on the ground and let her eat it there. in the future, if you ever hand feed her, make her stand a bit away from you and then you bring the treat to her mouth, do not allow her to nuzzle the treat out of your hand or pocket.
As for the new horse affecting her. Of course she is going to be focused on this new herd mate. Even if she bosses the new guy around, it’s still very engaging for her. It’s really her being a horse, which is all that she is meant to be. As a member of a herd, she must always have a horse or human that is on either side of her. That other member is either going to be one that she has to pay attention to and follow, or one that she must move out of her way when there is something that she wants first, such as food or water. Most horses are both pushers and pushed, and they are very accepting and happy with that. It’s like there are things on each side of them, above and below , supporting them and protecting them , and they are so happy to have that. Most horses are a bit anxious to be leader. Oh, sure, they may want to be leader when it comes to food time. But, when going out, the leader has a scary, more dangerous role, so they feel much happier to allow another horse to take the lead. Some horses do not like that, and will resist, and they require a very skilled horseman for them to give over the role of leader. But, most horses , once they realize that the human can make them move, will give over the leadership and will be much happier to do so. The problem lies in where the human herself is not convinced she can become a leader to that horse. Horses are very good at determining how convinced the human is. They push on the human, here and there, in small ways, that tell them whether or not this human is convinced of her leadership or not. If they have found out that on the ground you accept this pushing, then they will know that you will also accept in when you are in the saddle. Thus the groundwork is about convincing your horse that you will not accept the push back (the pinned ears, kicking out, sluggish responses, bad attitude, etc.). once you change that, the horse under saddle will be changed.
However, barn sourness, and buddy sourness can still be an issue, and require further work.
I suggest that you do some searches both on the Horse Forum and online (You tube) for ways to deal with barn or buddy sourness.
Best of luck. Just remember that you are going to shake up the mare’s world, and realize that in the long run, she will be much happier with this kind of relationship than she is with the one where she calls the shots.
Caroline
Sorry for the mongo block of text.