Human with SEVERE anxiety causing SEVERE upset for horse

Hi y'all, i'm brand new here and need some help! I got back into being around horses after a 22 year absence because my anxiety is off the charts something terrible and horses have always been magical and calming and better than any xanax! I've been relaxing and thoroughly enjoying my friend's horses and helping her out with hers-relearning old things and learning all kinds of new. So I made the leap to get my own-knowing i'd have plenty of support, guidance and help-and I do-but am always looking for more info/help! I think i'm just not understanding something here-long story a little shorter i'm beyond terrified of my horse. She's attempted to 'eat my face' just for approaching her, she's herded me into corners and tried to bite or swing around and kick, i've narrowly avoided MANY kicks that would have been devastating. I already have high anxiety and this is making it worse. She turns her butt to me at every opportunity. I know she has no respect for me and I can't say as I blame her. I'm having ptsd issues just approaching her paddock gate. I'm doing just fine around other horses-horses I know and trust-and despite being told all these million different things that I need to remember to do or how to behave (keep in mind the higher the anxiety the worse the memory)she does one of her 'stunts' as I call them now and my brain shuts down and by the time I remember what I should do it's too late. I'm not the only one to have issues, but I am the only one to have issues of this severity. Professionals tell me she has a lot of attitude-and I feel confident I just exacerbate that-but I just don't know what to do. I'm trying to find her a home where she can have a job-she can be ridden, and she's pretty great at all she does-unless it involves me. I think i'm the wrong human for her and my anxiety is just making things worse for her and I don't think that's fair for her. What can I do until such time as the proper human for her comes along to make her time with me less stressful for her? Some days she'll let me put her halter on and take her to the pasture or just for a leisurely walk-other days she charges me teeth bared just for coming near her gate. Sigh. I know a lot of the issue is me and I don't want her to be any more miserable than she is with me already. Any ideas, suggestions? Who knows how long it may be until someone who is willing and able to deal with her and her attitude comes along.

Sell her. Its not "giving up on her" if you do. Its saving your own skin. This horse is dangerous for you and is going to hurt you in the end. Sell her and get a kid friendly dead head. No sarcasm there. You need something stress free that you can learn with. This horse knows she can push you around and from the way your typing it sounds like you have given up or cannot mentally fix her. Sell her and get rid of her before she kills you. Please. There are more horses in the world. You don't have to have one that will kill you.

I agree 100% with TexasBlaze. It isn't worth it. If you already have anxiety issues, its not going to be enjoyable for you. Sell her to someone with a lot of experience with problem horses, then buy something SAFE. If your friend maybe wants to go looking with you, find a nice calm horse that is relaxed and okay with helping you through these things.

What state are you in?

I'm in texas. I feel like I am giving up on her-but I want what's best for both of us and i'm not that for her and she's not that for me. Sigh. I love going to be with my friends horses but I can't, despite all my training in the psychological department, get myself to get thru this fear of her. No amount of coping skills that I have are helping me. I have even taken a xanax before going to be with her but she scares me so terribly it kind of nullifies the effects of the xanax. My friends here are encouraging me to find her a new home, but they want to be supportive of me and not pressure me into it. I do worry that she'll be the death of me, literally. Tonight, just trying to get her hay into her hay net she went into one of her 'states', tried to bite me thru the tackroom window then when she couldn't reach me ran out of her stall kicking, went to her paddock gate and tried to reach over to bite my husband. Oh man. I feel just terrible about this-is a horse like her 'fixable' in the right hands or is having me in her life, however brief, going to scar her for life? She's just 3.

Springles,
It may be true that your behavior around this mare has some influence on her behavior. Perhaps a lot. But, I have known horses behave a bit worse around nervous, fearful or passive persons, but not THAT badly. That is just terrible behavior. I agree that you and she are a poor match. I wonder how you ended up with such a horse.
If you do go shopping again, look for an older gelding. Usually, they are milder in temperament, though I know this is not a 100% true thing.

This is't you "fault" so stop blaming yourself.
Stick with the things that bring you pleasure wit horses. There is no requirement to actually own one to be involved with them.

Good luck and check in from time to time and let us know how its' going.

This is craziness from every angle. If you have that much anxiety around horses, and still want to be around them, then have you considered an equine therapy specialist to help you? Your anxiety won't just magically go away.
The horse you describe needs a lot of work and is definitely not the one for you. As others have said, this is a disaster in the making. Please find another home for the horse.

I doubt you are upsetting her too much, so please don't worry about that. Horses that are used to copping attitude and pushing people around take it as the normal and it's no skin off their nose to do it a little more. They look scary, charge, etc and it's all just in a day's work to most of them unless there are serious fear issues underlying it. What you describe from your mare would have me pretty scared too, and I don't tend to have anxiety issues.

You need to sell her to someone who is willing and able to handle her issues, which it sounds like you are planning to do. She NEEDs someone to teach her to behave properly around humans before she does seriously injure someone. If you're not that person, you're not giving up on her, you're giving her a chance to go somewhere where her issues can be fixed. Then you can get a different horse who is safe, sane and able to help you with yours.

She's just a disrespectful beyotch and if she were here she'd already have been sent to the auction. For your own safety, if you won't just send her to the next available auction, then I'd recommend you put her in training with someone who can show you the ropes while correcting Little Miss Mannerless there. I don't know how much you paid for her but I'd be real tempted to send her off to the nearest and soonest auction and be rid of her regardless. It's not giving up on the horse, it's sending her where she's earned her reward and preserving YOUR skin which is much more important than damaging HER fragile (HAH!) psyche.

I do appreciate all of your comments-it means a lot to me.thank you! When we went to meet her she was the most docile, loving, sweet and gentle horse in the world. I had a friend with me that hs over 15 years of experience with horses-i didn't want to be 'duped' by being too ignorant so she came along. This horse let us do anything/everything to her-no issues. Loving all the way! Skip ahead to when we got her home-still loving, docile-24 hours passes, starting to see some 'issues'-another 24 hours and she kicked the trainer. This kept progressing day to day until she's at where she is now several weeks later. I'm being told from various folks of all different levels of expertise that she was drugged when we met her and picked her up-that she might have even been kept drugged based on how she acts 'normally'. One person says it's withdrawls from being drugged all the time-but at this juncture-if she was indeed drugged the withdrawls, were there ever any, should all be over. Then one day I went to put her blanket on her-one of the straps got wrapped around my arm when I put it on her back-i didn't know this. Then when I tried to remove my arm from said strap she went nutsy cuckoo and took off running/jumping-i wasn't too worried, the blanket will come off when I stay still and she goes running and bouncing about. Nope. I learned I can run pretty fast backwards while trying to disengage my arm and the blanket from her! In hindsight, now that i'm ok, I do so wish I had that on video, it had to be hilarious to watch! :P that was the day my confidence was crushed tho-what was left of it from all her previous moods. I almost passed out it scared me so badly. So yea, all these issues, yeah, she's going to a new home. I have a trainer who is helping me find her a new home-and helping me work on my confidence-we already have two interested parties-one of which is very familiar with attitudey horses and feels confident she'd do great with them. I'm sure she would. The other people are even less clueless than me but they have no fear-they saw how she acted and didn't bat an eyelash. Hmmm. Just worried about her being bored or more 'warped' while we 'wait and see' to whom she goes. It may be a few days it may be longer-what can I do for her in the meantime? She has toys, she's fed well and regularly-water always clean and fresh. On her 'good' days I do go in and groom her. Just wondering, should I try and halter her if she's having a 'good day' or just let her be and not press my luck? Thank you guys, so much! We already have a new horse lined up-one that my friend has known since birth, and has known the owners for a long time-and he's a gentle and very laid back fella-just gotta get this girl into a new home environment, first! I'll keep you posted!