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Need Advice: Should I Stop Trying?

3K views 22 replies 15 participants last post by  jgnmoose 
#1 ·
Sorry this is so long. I edited this a lot to make it shorter, but kept finding new things to add that just made it the same length. :icon_rolleyes: Also, I wasn't 100% sure where to post this, so sorry if it's in the wrong spot!

I have this 13 y/o Quarab mare named Pepper. I've been riding her for over two years and I've owned her for about one and a half.

I am not a confident rider. I get very nervous, especially when jumping. I'm also very hard on myself and get really upset when I do something wrong. When I first started riding her, we were fine. She was spooky, but not too dangerous and not too much for me to handle. The problems really started to show up when I bought her. She runs out of even the littlest jumps. I started to get very nervous when we jumped. Pepper could sense my nervousness, and then she'd get nervous. Then I'd get more nervous, which made her more nervous, which made me more nervous, which made her... you get the point. I started to get nervous every time I rode. A lot of rides ended up with me in tears and having to go into the round pen. When she got this nervous, she would just canter around the ring uncontrollably.

I've tried my gosh-darn hardest to do everything my trainer is telling me to fix it, but nothing seems to be working. According to my trainer, I'm accidentally kicking her in the sides when she starts cantering. There are two main things I don't understand - this only happens at the end of lessons, and none of the other horses I ride have this issue. At the beginning of rides, Pepper is nearly perfect. It's when we're about to start jumping at the end of lessons. Also, I rode a different horse no differently than I did Pepper (probably worse tbh) and that horse had no issues. No running around the ring, running out of jumps, etc. I don't like to blame things on the horse... but is this really all because I'm kicking her? I mean, she could be a lot more sensitive than other horses... but then why is she perfect before we start jumping?

About a month ago, I had a pretty bad fall. Nobody got seriously hurt, but Pepper refused a small crossrail and I fell. It hurt what little confidence I had A LOT. I was terrified to jump anything at all. The lesson ended with Pepper running around the ring like a maniac and me giving up. I got off as soon as I could and didn't get back on. Not one of my best memories. I haven't had a good ride on her since. The rides were so bad that it became dangerous for anyone in the ring. There were younger children on horses and here we were just running around. What if I caused something to happen to them? I would never forgive myself. It stopped being fun, I started dreading having to ride her. I understand that bad rides happen, but this is every. single. ride.

Because of this, my trainer told me to stop riding Pepper for a few weeks. I've been riding a new horse lately. He's a lot calmer than Pepper and I've actually enjoyed myself again. The only reason I can ride this horse is because his owner is gone for awhile due to person reason and needs to be ridden, so once she gets back I won't be able to ride him as much.

Should I sell her and get a calmer, more confident horse? It's been two years and I haven't gotten anywhere near where I had expected us to. I love this horse, I really do, but I don't love riding her anymore. I want a horse that I feel confident on and that I love to ride. I'm willing to sell her for a horse better fitted for me. That fall made me realize that maybe she's too much for me.

There's a chance if I sell her, I won't be able to get a new horse. My parents said that we're only going to buy a new horse if we know the horse is going to be a great match for me, and it's not too expensive. Basically, I can use whatever money Pepper sells for to get a new horse. I'm only 15, I can't get a job until I can drive to help pay for any of this. My parents won't spend very much more than what I could sell Pepper for. They also won't travel very far to get one because of hauling fees and time.

What if Pepper won't sell for a lot? What if no one will even buy her? What if I can't find a new horse for me? Or if I do find one, what if it's too far away? What if this new horse ends up to be just as bad, or even worse, than Pepper? These are my main concerns. I just need some advice on what I should do.

tl;dr - I'm not confident enough for my horse, should I sell her or keep trying?
 
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#2 ·
I'm not the most experienced for this, and others can probably give better advice, but I want to tell you my thoughts:


I am around the same age as you, and can understand being less confident on certain horses. I AM a confident rider (only ridden since last June), but that's mostly on calmer horses. While I'll ride one that's more high strung horse occasionally because I want to challenge myself, I feel much more confident on a docile horse.


I've found that, while I was nervous of riding a hyper/high strung horse before, the more time I spend on horses like that the more confident I am. I can tell you that even a very calm horse (such as the one I ride), can present some serious challenges with riding but can also be rewarding when you get through them.



Maybe Pepper isn't right, and I couldn't tell you based on experience with teaching or matching a horse to rider. IMO though, it seems like you should work on that specific problem more. Or, since you liked riding her unless she's doing that, take a step back and work on something other than jumping while you regain your confidence. Then, if you are enjoying riding her again, try jumping again when you're more comfortable.


Facing your fears has worked better with me in regards to horses. If I'm nervous about riding a certain horse (that isn't dangerous of course), I go back to do groundwork or something else to be confident around them, then move to riding eventually, even if not long term.


Good luck
 
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#3 ·
I'm not the most experienced for this, and others can probably give better advice, but I want to tell you my thoughts:


I am around the same age as you, and can understand being less confident one certain horses. I AM a confident rider (only ridden since last June), but that's mostly on calmer horses. While I'll ride one that's more high strung occasionally, I prefer slower (but not boring) horses.


I've found that, while I was nervous of riding a hyper/high strung horse before, the more time I spend on horses like that the more confident I am. I can tell you that even a very calm horse (such as the one I ride), can present some serious challenges with riding but that can also be rewarding when you get through them.


Maybe Pepper isn't right, and I couldn't tell you based on experience with teaching or matching a horse to rider. IMO though, it seems like you should work on that specific problem more. Or, since you liked riding her unless she's doing that, take a step back and work on something other than jumping while you regain your confidence. Then, if you are enjoying riding her again, try jumping again when you're more comfortable.


Facing your fears has worked better with me in regards to horses. If I'm nervous about riding a certain horse (that isn't dangerous of course), I go back to do groundwork or something else to be confident around them, then move to riding eventually, even if not long term.


Good luck
Thanks for your advice :D I'm planning to work with her this summer and see how things work out. I agree that we should stop jumping for awhile, my trainer has actually suggested we should think about doing that as well. My only issue with that is that I really enjoy jumping on a horse I'm confident on, so I don't want to stop jumping. Maybe I can jump on the other horse and not on Pepper for awhile...

Thanks again!
 
#4 ·
There you go. If you want to jump, do so on another horse. Ride Pepper just for fun occasionally in between when you do whatever other work you do with her. I am probably going to start riding some harder horses along with the one I do because he's sometimes TOO slow, and wanting a change sometimes to do the same thing is just fine.


Hope everything works out.


PS: To get slightly O/T, you're lucky that you can jump. I've always wanted to.
 
#6 ·
some people are not cut out for jumping. they WANT to jump, but it's just too nerve wracking, and ends up not being any fun. however, they may find that riding dressage, or doing western riding or ? will be loads of fun. could that be you I am descreibing? even if I were young ( I am not), I would not like jumping. I don't like the feeling of "will he cut out at the last minute? will I be dumped on the rail? will he knock a rail down and trip over it? etc. " some find this exhilierating, I do not.

but, I love dressage. the quiet focus on perfection . I love western riding, particularly trail riding.
jumping isn't for everyone.
 
#7 ·
The way I see it, you have two options.

A) Get your horse training. Do this in conjunction with your lessons.
I hate to say this, but it sounds like you're teaching your horse bad manners. If not this, you're at least feeding off of each other's negative energy. She needs to have positive experiences with riding too, or these problems could get worse.

B) If the above is not an option for whatever reason, I would sell her.
Horseback riding is not cheap, and it should be enjoyed.
If you choose to go with this option, I would suggest commissioning your trainer to sell her. They will find an appropriate buyer for your mare. Given these issues she has with training, you may have to be flexible on price.
As far as jumping into ownership again immediately, why not work on your confidence with just lessons or leasing in the meantime?
 
#8 ·
I don't know anything about horses. But I know myself. I would replace my trainer long before I replaced my horse. And I would give up jumping if it was a choice between jumping or not keeping my horse. When I do at last take on a horse, you can bet I've put a lot of homework into it. You can bet I'll have some professional advise. And you can bet I'll visit that horse many times before I adopt / buy it, and even ask the owners if I can rent it out for a few months. But once that horse was mine, once I decided that horse was the right fit for me, that would be it. It would then be my responsibility and anything that goes wrong would be my fault, and my responsibility to try and amend it. I would not give up on my horse. If I come across problems, I'd look for ways to fix it. If I don't get results, get help. If the help isn't helping, find someone else.

How you choose to handle it is up to you, you know yourself best. But I know, if I were in your shoes, I would feel like I was taking my problems and pawning them off on someone else if I had a horse that was being a bit jittery, and just sold it, instead of taking the time to work with her. I would feel like I had failed that animal. It would bug me. A lot. It would make me a little crazy to bond to an animal and just pass it off to someone else. Why I plan on being extra careful when doing my horse shopping.

By all means, be safe. But mostly, be happy, if you can. I wish you all the best. I hope you find a solution that works well for you, your family, and your horse.
 
#9 ·
What I have found with jumping, you have to be confident and committed, if you're not, chances are, your horse won't be either. Unless your horse is a schoolmaster jumper, learning on a horse that needs confident encouragement is shaky. My horse is a good jumper, I on the other hand, have trouble with the confidence part, even though I have been riding and showing and training for eons. Jumping is really a leap of faith, exhilarating but beforehand, nervewracking, for me anyways.
What you have described about Pepper, I wouldn't jump her, I would ride her, yes, jump? Nope, scares me even reading your thread.
 
#10 ·
See only you actually know the answer to this one, and somewhere along the line you are going to have to decide which fears are the worst

You are getting scared to ride
You are scared to jump
You are scared if you sell her she wont make enough money
You are scared that you can't replace her


So much fear, time to make a plan to get around all this....

Now take this from someone who quit for a while following a bad fall, who came back on a trusty awesome QH, who is now back to stretching themselves with spicy red headed mare, so I know a lot about fear, believe me I really understand it..

So questions to ask yourself, Do you REALLY want to ride? The answer to me my addiction to horses and riding trumped my fear, because I so want to do it, if you really want to ride, then lets make it easy.

Quit jumping, quit doing anything, start by going out and taking your horse for a walk, hanging out, grooming her, and when that is comfortable, get on and walk her, that's it, walk and halt, but paying attention to form and accuracy....walk, halt until you are bored, however many lessons/rides that takes. Then add in trot, halt, walk and trot, until that becomes boring. Then you add the canter back in, but to start half a circle, or whatever, short bursts, then back to trot.

By this stage you will know a few things, have you rebuilt trust with your mare, and do you want to jump again? Now you can decide to keep her or sell her, but she is now going nicely at walk trot and canter and her sale value has gone up. If you want to jump she does not sound like the right horse, but not everyone is jumper....it is not needed!
 
#11 ·
It sounds like you're a nervous rider on a sensitive horse. One thing goes wrong and you tense up or kick or pull or whatever and the horse senses it and the situation spirals.

You can probably ride the same on a less sensitive horse as they don't respond so much to the little things, allowing you the space you need to calm down and collect yourself, increasing your confidence.

Honestly, i would sell. Life's too short for the wrong horses. If I put two years and felt worse than when I started I wouldn't be inclined to put more time in.

However your situation is different because you may not be able to get a horse.

It sounds like your most nervous around jumping and the rest of your ride goes alright. To me then the best option would be to stop jumping. Perfect your skills on the flat, or focus on another discipline, you can take jumping back up when you can afford your own horse.

Other option is sell and take a risk, or send her and you off for training individually.
 
#12 ·
It sounds like a vicious circle which, from your post, you recognise.

Riding should be fun, not a trial.

It also sounds that your instructor is not a lot of help. They should have given you advice on how to stop the horse from running out at fences and how to stop her when she charges off.

It does sound as if you should sell this horse and get something steadier. Sound around, see if there is anyone who has a quiet horse and wants something more free going to move onto and do a swap.
 
#14 ·
Selling will always remain an option. There is always the possibility that you like the idea of having your own horse rather than this particular one, so my first question is "Do you LIKE your horse?" If the answer is "yes" then work to overcome the problem. It sounds like you are right that you are making her nervous when jumping. So don't jump her but work on your jumping ability on another horse. Some horses not only need to be ridden correctly over fences but will not jump if the rider is not confident. If your rides start off good but get worse towards the end, ride for shorter periods of time. And, ditch the round pen if your horse starts to get worked up. Instead, stop what you are dong and just ask for a relaxed walk until she calms down.
 
#15 ·
I'm going to take a different approach on this:

Does your trainer, or an experienced rider, have trouble jumping this horse?

Does it seem as if the horse enjoys jumping with these more experienced and confident riders?

You have to understand from the horse's point of view. At the moment of the jump, the horse cannot SEE what he's jumping. It is directly in front of his nose. He is depending on the rider to tell him when to launch and how to land. Some horses just don't like to jump.

It could also be that the horse finds jumping painful. All the weight of horse and rider come onto the front legs after a jump, and for some, even though they are clinically sound, it is painful.


Answer the two questions at the top. Let your trainer jump the horse, and REALLY watch the horse. Is he listening? Is he trusting? Are his ears forward as he goes into, and comes out of the jump?

If any of those questions is 'no' and you really want to jump, sell the horse and get one that enjoys jumping. If you just want a horse you can ride, keep him and quit jumping. If the horse likes to jump, just not with you, then spend more time just riding and gaining trust and confidence. Put off the jumping until you both have more trust and experience and confidence.
 
#16 ·
I'm the only person that has ridden her in probably over a year. I've asked my trainer to ride her, I think we've actually paid her to ride her, but there's always a reason why she can't. For example, when I fell I asked her if she could get on her for a few minutes but she said that Pepper just needed a break. Then, the lesson after that, she said that she (my trainer) didn't feel well enough. So I have no clue if she acts like this towards other people. My trainer also tells me that Pepper really enjoys jumping, since she trained her to jump, but I don't know how to tell if that is true or not. She doesn't seem to dislike it... I've free jumped her and she jumps them easily without much, if any, hesitation. When we do have good days, she jumps anything I put her in front of. But we rarely have those days anymore.

Thanks :D
 
#19 ·
Sounds like a nice horse and a nice rider and a horrible match. My new project mare is a VERY similar sort of horse, the reason I got her is because someone decided she would make a great school horse despite being green and threw random kids on her until she started broncing them off when she panicked. So now I need to teach her not to and treat the ulcers and negativity towards being ridden..

She needs the right sort of rider, a beginner with the right personality will do better with her than an experienced rider that is not a good match (she wouldn't buck but she would be miserable). You would not be the right sort of rider, at this point in time, for my horse, and it sounds like your mare is the same.

I would recommend selling and NOT buying, but leasing a good steady horse to get your experience on. A horse like your mare can be a fantastic ride, and is the sort of horse I prefer, but it's not the right match for you, at least not yet. That is not saying anything negative about either of you AT ALL, just like with human relationships, some are a good match and some aren't.
 
#20 ·
A horse that dekes out on a jump, isn't a horse I would jump on, because I lack the skills in the jumping department. How about you?
 
#21 ·
I don't know anything about jumping, but I'm just going to throw out a somewhat similar situation at my barn with a girl close to your age. I met her and her mother on my first visit to my barn and the girl was in the beginning stages of learning dressage on her jumper she'd had for a few months or so.

Her mother told me they'd had a scary fall and her daughter was having a difficult time controlling the horse over jumps, so she made her take a break from jumping and start learning dressage with my trainer. This was last May, and I have to tell you, that girl and her horse were a mess! The girls hands were all all over the place and her horse was throwing its head around. It was no wonder she was having trouble with the jumps. Her mother told me that she absolutely HATED dressage and resented her mother for making her do it, but she wasn't gonna let her jump again until she had learned to build a solid relationship with her horse in flatwork first.

Fast forward to now? This pair looks remarkable together and they are jumping again. The girl now does both dressage and jumping lessons and the difference from last May to now are incredible. She now loves dressage for what it helped her accomplish with her horse. :)

It may not be an option for you, but you may consider looking for a new trainer. My trainer would not hesitate to hop on a student's horse. She's hopped on mine several times during lessons when I was struggling with something. As students, sometimes it's difficult to make it clear what we are asking from our horse and they get confused. Every single time my trainer has ridden my horse, I've gotten back on and felt a difference in her responses, and then while I'm in the saddle, my trainer explains exactly what she did to get the desired response. It helps A LOT for both me and my horse because she's teaching us both.

OR, you might want to consider taking some lessons with a dressage instructor, if your trainer doesn't do that. My trainer does both dressage and eventing and is a firm believer that dressage helps to build a better foundation for jumping as far as control, balance, and communication with your horse. Also, another instructor may be better to point out what's causing the issues between you and your horse and better help you to correct them.

We all have bad rides, but EVERY ride shouldn't be bad. And if it is, and you're working with a trainer, then she's obviously missing something. Your trainer should be able to tell you whether or not you and your horse are a match and if you are, then she should be helping you BOTH succeed.
 
#22 ·
My suggestion would be to work with what your comfortable with. If that means only grooming then so be it. Start out small and go at your own pace. Do more complicated riding on a different horse if possible, but don't give up on Pepper. Build up your confidence by doing stuff that you're confident with and you should be back on track. I wish you luck!
 
#23 ·
@CharlotteThePenguin

I think you know the cause based on the details of your post but are looking for input. My post is based on that.

One of the most profound things a horsemanship mentor ever told me is that horses look up at you while you are riding them. We don't really know how well a horse can read facial expressions, but we do know that they react to our physical and mental state.

My belief is that the horse and human relationship is completely about trust. The horse will let you ride it, and do anything you ask, if she/he believes in the rider. This is the distilled essence of what we love about horses.

I would suggest not being afraid to go back to square one and build up. Build that trust and relationship. Walk around the arena, be a leader and point your horse where you want to go. Let her/him know how much you appreciate them. Then ask for a little more, when you are ready for it. Push yourself though, or get a coach who will push you to do things that you can do. It makes a tremendous difference, you will improve so quickly

I feel like trying to build confidence from a place that you aren't ready for is the long road. Work on that relationship first, get the basics down, then go for it. Just my unqualified opinion. Good luck!
 
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