Since then we've had some up and downs with various boarding facilities (we moved my horse due to the fact that the ranch owner didn't want to look into the person that broke in and the missing tack and the sudden freak out by all the arabians there.)
Training wise, I've probably been a horrible owner since I was very cautious of my horse's joints and health. He was very clumsy as a colt and the one thing he loved was running. Which equals a bad combo. He's cut up his leg before. I agree that some of my horses problems were caused by my ignorance and others I know started when that one episode happened to him.
With the last place my horse was boarding, the owner came to me and said if I didn't get him under control he had to leave. He had been biting and leaning on the pen and kicking it. Plus she was ticked at the time that I had been absent for a month which was due to my mom needing heart surgery and care. Later when she found out I didn't know much training wise and was having trouble challenging his mind since I was only taught a few things; she offered to train him. Within a month his behavior was great. He accepted everything, from the saddle to the bit to obstacles. We didn't move to riding him though and I only got to work with her guidance a bit. The bummer was it was going to cost us over 800 a month in training plus board and feed and we just can't afford it.
The hardest part was the last time I was at the ranch; my hand got tangled up in a rope on accident and it took all my strength to free myself from it. Leaving me with no hand to hold my horse's lead rope and the only woman there said to my boyfriend "I can handle horses but I won't handle THAT horse." My boyfriend has never been around horses in his life and I had to hold down my fear cause I wasn't sure what would happen. Though almost any animal he touches immediately goes calm or tries to snuggle him. Which my horse went from panicked over my yelp to just standing there calmly sniffing my boyfriend in moments.
My horse has never purposefully hurt me. The only time he had was an accidental step on my foot or his old habit of nipping that we broke him of. The trainer told me my horse had very aggressive behavior and that I needed to be more assertive with him. Including bending a bit in my not wanting to hit my horse. Which I understood since my horse had started the habit of kicking out when lounging. And giving him a firm whack stopped him from every biting me again. Took me maybe two hits and that was it. My father was angry saying my horse isn't a bad horse. But he also didn't understand what she was saying. She showed me some of my horse's behavior that I had just never noticed. Including invading personal space, ignoring certain commands, and his habit or kicking out when hoof picking. And the occasional test he always had liked to make of running towards you a bit to see if you would get scared or not. Which never scared me until I was told that one day it would grow to the point of him full out charging and hurting someone. This is what I am really scared of. I don't want my horse to turn bad because of me as his owner.
This leaves me with my question. I was told if I couldn't change myself and become aggressive/assertive then I should sell my horse. This is a hard thing for me because I know him inside and out. What subtle eye motions mean. I can tell when he's asking me to let him to run. But there's also this problem of me being gone on and off for a few months. I know he's changed some since he's 4 and has hit the rebellious stage. But I still think somewhere down there he's still that peaceful horse I knew who just loved to run. I wish I could figure out all the reasons he acts out. I wish I wasn't made so scared about the danger that could happen if I keep owning him. I also know that they said if I sell him at this time he most likely will end up at slaughter. It's hurting me badly and tearing me up with guilt. I want so hard to keep him but am I doing the right thing? I know I have asthma that gets in the way sometimes or other health issues. But I also know that maybe there's hope around the corner. Maybe someone can teach me so I can be what my horse needs. I was told I would always have to keep him at arms length due to his personality. But I also know he was never really taught how to behave or communicate with other horses correctly. I want to reverse it so he can be a good horse. That and I was told his magnum psyche bloodline can mean he might not be right in the head.
I moved him to a new place where everyone is really friendly and everyone there wants to help me. And a friend of the family who trains horses is willing to take me every step of the way to getting him calm and well behaved.
Should I keep going? Should I give it another chance with this place that it won't backfire horribly like the other three places? Everytime I think of selling my horse I sob because I feel like if I give up on him I will never forgive myself. I will never buy another horse because I'll be terrified it'll end up the same. And because if I give up on him, I'm giving up on myself and letting down another animal in my care. I can't forgive myself for letting go of another animal that I agreed to take care of for it's lifetime. I've wanted a horse since I was 6. I dreamed of it every day. I don't want that dream to be crushed now. Especially since in a month I am graduating from highschool and will be able to devote almost the whole summer to training him.