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"Playing the Hero" -- when to 'stick with it' & when to realize it's time to move on.

102K views 224 replies 143 participants last post by  DannyBoysGrace 
#1 · (Edited)
"Playing the Hero" -- when to 'stick with it' & when to realize it's time to move on.

We've all seen it happen, and I'm sure most of us have been there one time or another. Perhaps some of us are there right now: buying the horse that's, well.. too much horse for us. I'm not talking needs a bit of training/settling... I'm talking that horse that makes us look like fools... the horse that has problems, the horse that bucks/bolts/spins/rears/kicks.. you name it... and it's beyond our knowledge level.
It's a frightening spot to be in, and it is one that tests our very mettle.
What it really comes down to are two decisions: do we keep the horse, and work through the problems, or do we sell the horse, and get one that's more level-appropriate?

There are major problems arise with this question:
1) the human ego. We don't like to admit we're wrong, or don't know enough, or aren't strong enough, or ... well, we just don't like to admit that we aren't enough, period.
2) we feel that we've somehow let the horse down. We humans (most of us anyways) get attached to the animals in our lives, however briefly. By the time we realize that the horse is too much, we've already gotten attached. Thus, the thought of selling said horse becomes more difficult.
3) we have been bombarded with so many stories of the underdog (read: inexperienced horseman) taming the wild horse that a lot of people have started to think this is the norm... it is not.
...right along with this point is...
4) the romantic idea of "taming the wild horse" is very, very over-played. Believe me, there is nothing romantic about taking a problem horse and trying to fix it. There is a lot of blood (so to speak), sweat and tears. The end result is worth it... if you know what you're doing. If you don't know what you're doing... well sometimes it doesn't end well at all.

Sticking with it

This is the option that most of us at least flirt with for a while. The biggest problem with this option is that when we buy a horse that's too much of us, obviously we don't have the experience to deal with the problems the horse has, or to bring the horse along correctly. This is a catch-22. We try our darndest, but we cannot see what we're doing wrong, as we just don't have the experience to see what we're doing wrong. So we keep doing things wrong, thinking we're right -- um, the problem with this is apparent.
So how do we deal with this?
The most obvious answer to most of us is get a trainer/instructor. That would be fantastic... if only we could point at any name in the Yellowpages under "Horse Trainer" and get exactly what we need. Oh, and there's also the slight hiccup of money - trainers cost money.
Not all trainers are created equal... in fact, I'd be so bold to say that there are more bad trainers out there than good... so the odds are stacked against you from day 1. Well, that's kind of crummy, to say the least.
Nonetheless, finding a decent trainer will likely take care of our problems. The horse can either get sent away for training (and come back to us with more wet saddle blankets and miles under its girth) or we can opt to take lessons and learn with the horse, and how to handle its problems and quirks.
With a good trainer, either of these options can be very beneficial, and you can end up with the horse of your dreams... or at least one you can ride and handle.
So, how do we go about finding that special trainer? Your best bet is word of mouth. People like to talk. A lot. They especially like to talk when they can complain - so go hang out at your local tack store, go to shows.... and keep your ears open.
Anyways, that isn't really the point of this post, more of a side-tip. The bottom line is that if you are in over your head with your horse, finding someone reputable that can help you is one of the best steps you can take.


Unfortunately, due to many circumstances, a lot or people that are in over their heads to not get help.... or get the wrong kind of help - though I'm not quite sure which is worse. A lot of horse owners keep a horse that is too much for them. They think they can work through it, but either can't or won't spend the money on a decent trainer, or they don't have any decent trainers around them to help.
With that intro, let's move on to the main point of this post: When to quit playing the hero.
Like I said earlier, it's human nature to either not want to admit we have a problem, or not admit we need help when we do realize that we might just have a big problem on our hands. Couple that with our human need to care for living things, and you can see how easily this becomes very dangerous.
We want things to end up like they do in the movies; we want so badly to be that main character that is able to tame the wild horse that we don't really see the big picture, nor the lack of romance that real life really offers us.
Horses are big animals. They can throw their weight around, and they can hurt us. They can kill us. It's not in their nature to do so, no, but if we're in the wrong place at the wrong time, or react wrongly, well.. we can end up dead.
I don't think enough people appreciate this sentiment.. especially not when we're young and invincible.
Training horses takes a lot of instinct, or 'horse sense' as some call it. The nice thing about this instinct and horse sense is that it can be learned. The problem is, it takes a darn long time to learn it... it's not an easy lesson, nor is it readily acquired.

When a horse is untrained beyond our abilities, and we have no trainer or mentor, we are very liable to ruin said horse, at least for a while. A trainer once told me that we ruin the first 10 horses we touch. We don't have the know-how, we don't have the instinct, we don't have the experience to truly to any real favors to the first horses we touch.

How do we acquire such talents? We learn from experience. We learn from talking to people who know more than us. We learn from paying people who know more than us to teach us how to react in various situations. We attend clinics from people who know more than us. We read books written by people who know more than us..... see the pattern?

As a disclaimer of sorts, I must say that there are some very rare people that can learn by trial and error, and fix a problem horse that they originally had no idea how to fix and do it on their own.... but, let me say this very clearly.... this is not the norm, and it is very very rare.

How does it usually end, if you don't seek help?
More often than not, there's an event or two that lead the owner to realize that they cannot do this alone. Usually this realization results from injury, either to the horse or to the owner.
Sometimes it takes a serious, life-threatening injury to make the owner realize that something has to change.


When you realize it's time to move on.

Right off the bat, I want to say that there is nothing wrong with selling a horse that is too much for you, and getting something more your level. Nothing. In fact, I commend people who realize that they are in over their heads, want to find a good home for the horse, and find a horse that is more suited to their abilities.

This usually comes after flirting with the idea of fixing the horse yourself, or even after having someone try to fix the horse for you. Sometimes it happens when the person sustains the injury I mentioned a few paragraphs above.

If you cannot afford to hire someone to teach you how to deal with the problem horse, or send the horse away for training, or there is no decent trainer around you, I usually suggest selling the horse.
Why?
If you try and "play the hero" and fix the horse yourself without any know-how or guidance, it usually doesn't end well. You either don't know how to react in a situation, or react poorly in a situation, and make it worse. For example, I saw one lady that simply jumped off her horse when it started to hunch up or buck; she didn't know how to deal with the bucking horse, so she taught the horse that if it hunched up or bucked, it would be rewarded by being allowed to relax. The owner had no clue what she was doing wrong, and grew more and more terrified of the horse, and kept teaching the horse bad habits.

If you don't know how to fix it, can't send the horse away to get fixed, and can't get the help to learn how to fix it, sell or give it to someone who DOES know.
A horse is not worth your life. If you can't get the help, it is not worth risking your life to fix. It is also not worth ruining the horse more for the sake of your pride.

Sometimes, a horse is just too much for us. There is nothing wrong with admitting this. Even if you've worked with a dozen trainers, and you're still in over your head.... well.... it's time to move on.

It will be best for you and the horse to part ways. You can take necessary precautions to make sure the horse ends up in a good home - usually, a problem horse won't fetch a lot of money, but they also won't take up more of your money in feed and upkeep costs. This way, the horse can be ridden and trained by someone that has the knowledge to work through the problems.
You, in turn, can either spend money on lessons, or buy a horse that's more appropriate for your level of riding, and learn on it.

Of course, another option, if you have the time and money, and if the horse is safe to handle on the ground, is to retire the horse to a pasture ornament. This works for some horses, and not for others... some horses need to work to be happy, and others are perfectly content being a pasture puff, but it is another option to consider.
 
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#32 ·
JDI,
What a great post!
I am sure there are many people out there in this situation. Many of various ages and experience levels.
It takes a lot of courgae to admit when your in over your head.
Like many others said here....I was once the girl who would hop on just about anything. In some cases I was told mis-information on purpose and then found myself in "sticky" situations.

As many of you already know i had not ridden in years and when I decided to get a second horse, and a youngster at that. She went right into the hands of more qualified persons.

The points made about what should take place before the purchase or acceptance of a "free" horse into one's like are very good things to be brought up. Even in this thread. I say this because it is a piece of information for the person who is in this "stuck" situation to take and make a written note of.

This is a very very common situation I have seen all to many times over the years.
It is happening with a few people in my barn at the moment. lets just say I feel it is a danger not only to ones self to continue but also for the welfare of the horse and others who may be around.

Once a person is willing to admit they are in over their head and accept this fact ~ then and only then can the next step in the right direction come about.

So if your truly finding yourself in this situation....find a knowledgable person to help you in the process of finding your next horse. By doing this you will spare yourself and another horse of the same destiny...

JDI this is a wonderful post. It seems you have put a lot of thought into it and the way it is presented is absouletly wonderful....so open and non judgemental Great job girl..way to go!

I know we all fall in love with our horses and pets of many kinds, but we really do want for the experience to be enjoyable for us both.

Halfpass
 
#33 ·
I think that a motivational point these days is that people are afraid if they give up on the horse then they will definitely go to slaughter. And while this is a harsh reality, like someone posted above some just don't have a purpose. If the useless, dangerous, crazy animals are not kept then there would be more good homes for those horses that are sane, sound, willing and happy to have a job. It's a harsh reality but it seems to me that more crazy and dangerous horses have forever homes than the mediocre, safe, sane ones. It's a skewed system.
 
#34 ·
^^I wish people didnt abuse that system. Of either sending them to the slaughter houses or just shooting them in the back yard. Ive seen a lot of good horses shot that could of had potential and the owner just didnt want to take the time in posting it for sale. Ive also seen a few horses that went to the auction for good reason. But then that dangerous horse might of been picked up at the auction by a rescue/buyer not knowing the history ect. thinking they are going to save this horse, train it then find it a forever home.
I think if people had just sent the 'bad' ones to slaughter houses, auction sale type things and tried to list the 'good' horses. The rescues would have stayed out of the slaughter yards idk I could be wrong about that tho.
 
#35 ·
I know more than one guy that used to prowl the horse feedlots looking for horses that were useable. When the prices were good I think there were far less useable horses going to slaughter. Now that slaughter prices are in the toilet and it's so hard to sell a good horse there are many more good gentle horses being killed in one way or another. The entire time the debate to close processing plants was going on very educated and knowledgeable people were warning of the unintended consequences of banning horse slaughter. Now we are reaping those consequences and everyone is suffering particularly the horses.
 
#37 ·
EXCELLENT post Kevin. Whole heartedly agree! I've been to several feedlot/auctions in the past and have taken some good ones home. Quite honestly, while yes you saw your rare diamond in the rough there usually weren't many good ones there. Now with this ban on slaughter people are having a tough time getting rid of any horses, good or bad, and the good ones are suffering.
 
#36 ·
I know that for one I'm am in this boat. I bought my rising 2yo under the instruction of my old trainer. I was stupid but I was told that I WOULD LEARN AS I GO. I was a competent rider on broke horses, and I could deal with young horses. I think that Ricky could have potentially worked out if I worked with my trainer more. Maybe. I did struggle, I did persevere with him. Not so much for the sake of my ego, more for the sake of my horse. He was and still is a pretty quiet horse, however I have realised in the past month that I am not ready to train a young horse on my own.

I know that some of my threads may have prompted this topic, and I think that in itself is a good thing. I know I am not the first to do this and I certainly won't be the last but by educating people it might not happen as often. I love my boy, and part of loving him is knowing when to pass him onto to another more experienced person.
 
#38 · (Edited)
Great post. I couldn't agree more.
I have no doubt that if I hadn't met my instructor when I did, I wouldn't have Victor today. I think the only thing that made me keep him was my fear of him ending up in a bad place. Not many people would want a horse like that. I was an inch away from giving up and selling him, but she turned him into a different horse. He's unrecognizable from what he started out as. He went from a mean-tempered, unfriendly, unpredictable SOB to a normal, enjoyable riding companion. I now realize how incredibly lucky I was to happen across a good trainer. A good coach/instructor/trainer is a godsend. They make all the difference.
 
#39 ·
This applies to more than a few forum members. I hope they all get a chance to read it and let it soak in.

There's nothing worse to read about someone's difficulties with a horse, see people give them advice to move on to a better horse, see the owner claim I can't sell my soul mate, have that person get hurt by said horse and come back here to get sympathy.
 
#40 ·
This applies to more than a few forum members. I hope they all get a chance to read it and let it soak in.

There's nothing worse to read about someone's difficulties with a horse, see people give them advice to move on to a better horse, see the owner claim I can't sell my soul mate, have that person get hurt by said horse and come back here to get sympathy.
I for one agree. Yes, I have a lot of difficulties with Ricky and yerr, I do come to this forum sometimes for help. However, I've realised that no horse is worth getting youself hurt for.
If you love something, let it go. No matter how much it hurts, there will always be a silver lining.
 
#44 ·
...I love the excuse "we just don't have the money"

I guess you should have done your homework before buying a horse... becuase horses do cost a lot of money be it vet bills, feed costs, tack, or training.

If you don't 'have the money' for training then sell the horse and a) save up and buy somthing you can enjoy and ride or b) get out of horses until you do have the money.
 
#45 ·
Absolutely brilliant post, JDI. You ought to have this published. Seriously. This article needs read by every member of the horse community, especially the beginners, and I can think of quite a few non-beginners that would benefit from this read as well.

Thank you for writing this.
 
#46 ·
JDI, wonderful post. It immediately brought me back to that "one" horse. Many years ago, I leased a couple of horses. One was a very well trained morgan cross, the other a gorgeous appy.

Well, that appy put me through everything imaginable. Basically in a nut shell the horse didn't concern himself with his own safety, so mine was not even on the radar. Needless to say, did not renew the lease. But it left me feeling like I failed somehow.

Off to lessons I went. There , my instructor evalualted me and after a short time, had me riding all the "new' horses. She liked how I handled each one, and felt I had the skills and temperment (calm and steady) to "size" each one up and give her "feed back" about them. She helped me gain my confindence back.

When I finally spoke to her about the appy, she said something that struck home to me. First, was that a horse that doen't concern itself with it's own safety is a danger to everyone around it, including itself. Second, she told me that my instincts where correct that something was wrong with the horse, it wasn't my riding ability. My riding ability/instincts is what kept me safe, knowing when to push and when to back off.

Long story short, I have never forgotten that horse. I know that if I ever run into another like it and get that feeling (horse not stable), I will dismount faster than a rocket! That is probably why a horses temperment/mind is so important to me.

There is no shame in admitting that a particular horse is more (for whatever reason) then you can/want to handle at this point in your life. I am at an age now that I do not walk away from a fall. There will be an injury, and I have too many financial responsibilities to risk it.

So, I leave "playing the hero" to the characters in the movies. I ride because it's my hobby and relaxation. Can't do that if the horse is way too much to handle, for whatever reason.
 
#47 ·
Walkamile, that is almost exactly my own experience, with the one "bad egg" I had as well! Only she was a friesian/walker cross mare, she would be lathered before I even tightened the cinch. She frequently fell down on me trying to sidepass the entire 2.5 mile trail course I rode on (she's just sidepass when I would keep her from bolting). Those are almost the exact words I was told - "she doesn't care about her own safety so she certainly doesn't give a damn about her rider". The third trainer I brought in to work with her just told me flat out, she's just not meant to be a riding horse. She never will be.

But in a weird way, while giving her up was certainly the right choice, I'm kinda glad I had her, too. It's good to be confronted with your limits from time to time, lest you come to think you have none.
 
#57 ·
Hey, great thread, JDI :) My sister and I got our first horse when we were 13 and 14... and it was a learning curve for all 3 of us. She was a 14 YO morab mare, and would have made a great pet (except that she always escaped if she was alone), or a great trail horse (except that she wouldn't go by herself and spooked at everything big or noisy), or been a good lesson horse (except that she was lazy as hell). If anything, I was underhorsed. But my parents didn't want to get a second horse, and my sister wouldn't part with her. Not even the next year, when she started high school and pretty much stopped riding. Not the year after that... etc. Until we'd had her for 5 years (the last of which she was leased out to our coach for a lesson horse) and I stopped taking care of her. This wasn't a failing to let go and being in personal danger issue... this was just failing to let go period. And I now I see her doing the same thing, where she is in a caretaker relationship with an alcoholic, and raising his 3 kids from a previous marriage. I know this is a horse thread - but it's also a human nature issue. Some of us just don't have the ability to give up and let go, no matter how futile and self-destructive our efforts become. Unfortunately, the longer we go on these situations, the greater the personal damage can become. With horses, it can mean broken bones, broken spirits, and usually losing the desire to ride alltogether. And with horses and the other things we can't let go of... we have to take a "fall". We have to admit that yes, we were wrong, we couldn't change the situation, and yes, we failed. And we have to have enough self-esteem to accept ourselves afterward and move on in pursuing what makes us happy - whether that's fresh start with a different horse, or a completely new path in life.

Thanks everyone that shared their stories in this thread :)
 
#58 ·
This is indeed a very good article. I can say myself that I have the same problem that alot of other horse owners have. But it wasn't intirely my fault, because it was my parents who had little experience and got me the horse. Not that I'm saying I am mad at them for making my dream come true, but I probably should have gotten a more broke horse. :3

I started out with a 3 year old gelding, I worked with him before we even owned him. We started him at about 2 years, and I was about 8 years old. Now a tall chubby 8 year old is probably not going to fair well against a greenbroke young gelding and a trainer who doesn't have very good methods.

But of course, I got way to attached. Fell off twice before we switched trainers. But now it is working amazingly. This new trainer shows me a way to work with him, and I can really see his personality and intellegence. He still acts like a bratty teenager most of the time, and will test my patience, but he is far from where he was. I still probably should get a different horse because now I'm so terrified of riding him it's pathetic. We got another horse so he's pretty "herdbound," so that's made him even naughtier. So there is about a thousand problems with our two horses, but I still don't want to give up on him. I guess I'm just a stubborn person, but at least in the last four years I've made some progress with him.

I'm sort of an example of what not to do. Dx Oh well, at least this way I can give people some advice as to what to do. I do see myself with horses in my future, at least I hope to god I can have my own farm and be able to train horses for people, aswell as train people. :3
 
#59 ·
Wow awesome post's everyone! Really opened my eyes and made my resolve 200% stronger!! My hubby has been harping about buying a foal versus a 4-7 yr old, gist of it is, we can train it, it will be used to only us blablabla...yadayada..well you all get it lol. I'm no trainer, neither is my husband lol, and I dont want to pour buckets of cash into a foal,nor do I want to ruin him either. So yeah 4-7 yr olds here I come, ty all for your great posts !! :D
 
#60 ·
JDI
Lady, Nicely written with oodles of common sense.

The problem arises not just with the horse that is out of control but also when the horse's capability exceeds that of the rider.

The underlying problem is that when we go out to buy the horse and bring it into our families sometimes we don't see the reality of what the horse represents - and we don't find out for a few months that we have made a mistake.

At best buying a horse is a 50/50 scenario, either we buy the horse which proves to be suitable or we buy the horse which proves to be unsuitable.

Sadly I can't see a workable answer to what must be a recurring problem.

I repeat, JDI, nicely written.

B G
 
#61 ·
JDI, that was a great post and I'm glad the moderators put it at the top.
You addressed a lot of very important points that I'm sure many people would be afraid to admit. That is to be commended.

As an 'older' person with many decades of horse experience, I can look back on my life with horses and see how many of the things you mentioned were remedied, from my own perspective. Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts for lessons learned. No one can 'buy' experience.

In reading many horse forums, I see a common thread, which include nearly everything you've already mentioned. I see many people taking lessons without the benefit of just going out and 'doing' (riding). I agree with many here that hanging onto a horse that is above a person's ability is not a good idea. I think finding a horse that a person can just go ride and gain knowledge and experience with is the best way. After a few years of just riding, formal lessons can later be added if one wanted to go in a specific direction with their riding. Whoever said that a newbie will 'ruin' a few horses before they are where they need to be is absolutely correct. I can look back and see the mistakes I made. But I think in this day and age, with all the communication and information available, a lot of those mistakes can be prevented.

The best thing I can offer from my own experiences is to ride. Ride as often as you can, on as many different horses as you can, with as many different people as you can, from all walks of life. You will learn what to do, and most importantly, what not to do. Being exposed to a variety of riders, horsemen, horses, tack, disciplines, all of that, will add to your knowledge base and experience like nothing else can. You will come out of it an excellent rider with a good seat, good balance, and ready to go in any direction that you'd like to go in. You will be ready for that horse of your dreams, and you will likely be more than capable of handling almost any situation that came up.
 
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