So for the last few months I have been working on my jumping with a very nice jumper gelding and mostly it has been going well. Most days I am doing well. Less panic, thinking through my jumps alot more. We are doing a lot of ground poles and eighteen inch to two foot jumps so nothing very challenging physically but very difficult for me mentally. I still have some rough days and anything that is smaller than 5 strides sends me into a panic but I am doing ok on the verticles. So all together I have some very visible progress made and that is very exciting to me!!
On the other hand I have had a few set backs. I still can't jump the oxers, brickwalls, anything with any width just sends me into a panic (we have some oxers and a brickwall set up all the time in the arena and sometimes we come off a jump and they are in front of me and I completly shut down) even lining up with no intention of taking the jumps just freezes my brain and its very frustrating.
And then today I was helping a friend at an event and she asked me to walk her show jumping course with her. So I walked the course and we made it through the first three jumps with no problem, and then the fourth jump was in fron of us and I freaked!! Completely lost it!! One minute I am focusing on striding between jump three and four and the next I am standing in front of this oxer and a freeze. In the middle of the arena!! I go cold all over and get dizzy and sick to my stomach, hyperventilating and started crying. In my head I was right back in that arena (where I had my accident) with my mare lying on the ground and a ringing in my ears. I had to sit down right in the jump course and put my head between my legs, it was a full on panic attack!! Today was a very bad day, and what I realized after I calmed down, was that today was the first time since my accident that I hav$e walked a course. I guess that is just one more thing to add to the list of issues with my brain.