Thank you soo much for your advice. And I feel very ashamed for how I acted, and how can I get her to love me withought spoiling her. Because I had a old 30 year old mare and I would spoil her and love her soo much that she thought she would not need to listen to me. But she was a companion horse and was not intended to be ridden. So I did not really worry about it. I know I don't have much experience but she is very gentle when I am not on her, so how can I make her love me? Can I lead her through my trails and let her graze and stuff? How can I get her to trust and bond with me. I am very ashamed of myself and if I try to bond with her will she forget the past if I don't do it again?? She is very good at leading she will go werever I want her to go even over scary stuff
You're young, and need experience! You need a trainer, somebody who can help you learn how to interact with your horse. Stay off your horse until you get expert help. It's not your size dear, it's your "presence." Horses are exerts at reading human body language and emotions. I'm 5 feet tall and my big gelding behaves himself, but I project myself as a worthy and capable leader and I actually feel like one - otherwise he'd know I was faking it and he'd exploit it.
Love of all things equine is AWESOME and there are some great books out there on building trust and establishing quiet yet confident leadership with your horse without using aggression - but books don't take the place of a professional trainer!!!
Please don't give up and "just get a dog." BUT please don't jeopardize your safety either! Read, learn, and seek expert guidance. You may find that you and your horse aren't the right "fit" and that perhaps an older, gentler horse would be a better fit?