Today is the day that I have to find an answer to my problem. I am extremely hard-handed at times, and it completely ruins me. I take out my anger on my hands, and it's always been that way.
Just tonight, I wanted 1 good day of jumping before snow came. I expected my horse to be as good as he was a month ago at our last show of the year. He was calm and quiet then, but today he was rushing and not listening. I got made and smacked on his mouth. Multiple times. I went for the jump again, he rushed worse, and I cranked his head around, smacking on his mouth. Afterwards I got off, tears running down my face, mad at myself. I know what I'm doing is wrong, but it's became a habit and I just do it, without really thinking. And it's only on my personal horse. I've had him for 7 years and now I have a weird expectation of him being perfect all of the time, which completely ruins the fun of riding.
Considering these are your very own words, I would suggest you stay away from horses period. An abuser is the last person who can help an abused horse.
The easiest way to say what I'm thinking to respond to this is just shut up. Have you read the rest of the post? Have you read the changes I'm already making? I'm guessing probably not. I'm working to get better. I have not been hard handed on this horse, nor any other horses I have ridden other than my boy. So if you want to help, offer advice, not be rude and butt into the good advice i've gotten. Thanks.