Critique my ad? - The Horse Forum
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post #1 of 11 Old 06-05-2013, 01:15 PM Thread Starter
Green Broke
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Western Pennsylvania
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Critique my ad?

Well..I've decided to sell Alahna. I want to keep her, but she isn't the best match for what I want right now.

Soo..here's what I wrote up for her ad:

"Looking for your new trail partner? This mare does it all!
Alahna is a 7yo OTTB mare that I bought 400-500# underweight. She still has a bit more to gain, but she's almost there and looking so much better.
Alahna is about as bombproof as they come, has only done one stop and stare at a deer that popped out in front of us out on the trail. She clips, bathes, hops right on any trailer, and stands tied without fidgeting. She goes uo and down hills, through water, over logs, and more! You can take her out alone or with a group, she leads/follows, and she has no problem staying behind the others if you ask.
Alahna has a ton of go if you ask, but is just as content to go slow. She would be a great gaming or hunter/jumper prospect. I'm comfortable putting anyone on her and sending them on a trail, and I'm sure you'll be as well.
$1500 to good home."

Soo..what's everyone think? I haven't decided on pictures just yet, but the ones I used in my confo thread will be on there.
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post #2 of 11 Old 06-05-2013, 01:30 PM
Showing
 
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IMO you need to get her up to weight before you sell her.
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post #3 of 11 Old 06-05-2013, 01:32 PM
Green Broke
 
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If it is all true(not doubting, ads just do better without embellishing too awful much) not too shabby. Maybe add in if she has any pro training, is she utd on vetting, any illnesses or conditions, how long you have owned her, her registered name and racing stats(if they were good).

Ω Horses are a projection of peoples dreams Ω
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post #4 of 11 Old 06-05-2013, 01:56 PM
Weanling
 
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my first thought is to good to be true. I don't see why you have to bring up about the weight in the ad and I hate the word bombproof. Not trying to be mean here just giving you my opinion as someone who has bought and sold horses.
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post #5 of 11 Old 06-05-2013, 02:12 PM Thread Starter
Green Broke
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
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JDI, I believe she'll be up to weight by the end of the month. She only has about 75# or so to gain before her hips are completely covered and her ribs cover up.

It is all true, so not embellishing anything. We've jumped ditches/logs on the trail, went in the river/creek, over streams, etc.

She has no pro training..her canter could use some more slowing down, but I didn't put anything about the arena worj because I plan to start working on that after she gets her shoes on.

I can take the weight part out, just figured the ribs would be better explained, lol. I was debating on the bombproof as well..but, she will be gunproof this weekend, lol. How would it be better said? Quotes around the word or a whole different phrase?

I can add in her reg'd name and stats too.
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post #6 of 11 Old 06-05-2013, 02:17 PM
Green Broke
 
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Safe around guns is good. I would neutralize it a bit, make it a little more businesslike, a tad more dry and factual. Are you really sure you want to sell her? You seem to care a ton for her...
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Ω Horses are a projection of peoples dreams Ω
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post #7 of 11 Old 06-05-2013, 07:43 PM
Showing
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
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I would not post photos of an underweight horse, honestly. It opens doors for people to judge without reading the body of the ad, and getting unwelcome responses to it. She may perk up with more weight on her, too, and have more energy.
I would reword the ad and just stick to facts, there's no need to get into too much detail in an ad, and lots of text is off-putting. Save the funny stories about the deer in the headlights look when you're building rapport with a potential buyer.


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post #8 of 11 Old 06-07-2013, 01:03 PM Thread Starter
Green Broke
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
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Ya know, honey..I don't really wanna sell her. Maybe I'll just switch the ad to a lease?

JDI, I highly doubt she's going to perk up much more than she already has. I do understand people not reading before responding about her weight though.
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post #9 of 11 Old 06-18-2013, 01:53 PM
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Maybe address her weight later in the ad and talk about how solid she is on the trails in your first sentence? It will help make the ad more inviting to read. Really good ad though!

There's no better way to build confidence than having a horse.
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post #10 of 11 Old 06-18-2013, 06:14 PM
Trained
 
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Age, Breed, safe on trails ,clips,easy to load,stands tied. Good for beginner or novice. Does she do leads ? has she done any jumping in a show ? Does she have the extended trot for hunter jumper ? if she has Done those things put she does the leads,and has been shown in HJ . Otherwise leave it out .
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