Three racehorses stood in their stalls. One said to other others: "I ran 20 races and I won 15 of them!" he bragged. The next said with a snort, "Well, I ran 30 races and won 25 of them!" Then the third horse spoke up proudly, "Yeah, I ran 41 races and won 39 of them!" This seemed to settle the topic when the horses noticed a Greyhound outside their stalls. The Greyhound said, "I ran 100 races and I won 99 of them." The horses looked at each other in amazement and one gasped, "Wow! A talking greyhound!"
Countdown to the best error in a horse ad.
21. Appleloosa for sale.
20. Willingly piaffes & massages.
19. Bay 3-yr-old, lightly started, lounges well.
18. Cooked semen available.
17. Welsh filly, pretty head & eye. Just stared over fences.
16. 3-yr-old TB mare, recently startled under saddle.
15. Aged race gelding, has four clean kegs.
14. Rider must sell: horse going to college.
13. Gray pony, very athletic, broke to dive.
12. Small horse farm for sale, 33 acres, large fenced pastures plus three small haddocks.
11. Attractive gelding for Combined Training, ready to brake in the spring.
10. Aged Warmblood mare, no lices. Reasonably priced to good home.
9. Registered Hockey Club mare.
8. Super mover-gloats over the ground!
7. Always in the ribbons over fences & thunder saddle.
6. Select young stock for sale, top scores at insurrection.
5. 1899 filly offered for sale.
4. Oldenburg colt, will manure to 17 hands.
3. Young Hanoverian, started u/s, bumping over small courses.
2. Many sport horses for sale, all apes and sizes.
1. LFG-Live Floral Guarantee.
Thinking of dating a horsewoman? Please read the following carefully:
Easy to Locate.- She's either off on the horse or out in the barn.
Upholds the double standard - Smooches with the most bewhiskered beast, but recoils when a man needs a shave.
Owns one vacuum cleaner - and operates it exclusively in the barn.
A social butterfly - providing the party is given by another horsey woman. Falls asleep in her soup at all other functions.
Economy minded - Won't waste money on permanents, facials, or manicures.
A culinary perfectionist - Checks every section of hay for mold but doesn't blink when she petrifies dinner in the microwave.
Occasionally amorous - but never leaves lipstick on your collar, at worst, slight trace of chapstick.
Easy to outfit - No need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable little boutiques. She can find all she wears at the local tackstore.
Features a selective sense of smell - Bitterly complains about the sticky-sweet cigar smoke of others while remaining totally oblivious to the almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying next to the heater.
Unmistakable in a bathing suit - She's the one whose tan starts at the nose, ends at the neck, and picks up again at the wrists
A dedicated club woman - as long as the words "horse" or "riding" appear in its name.
Has your leisure at heart - Eliminates grass cutting by turning every square inch of lawn into pasture which, in turn, converts itself into mud.
A master at multiplication - She starts with one horse, adds a companion, and if it's a mare, she breeds it.
Keeps an eagle eye on the budget - Easily justifies spending six hundred dollars, but croaks when you blow ten on bowling.
An Engaging conversationalist - Can rattle on endlessly about training or breeding.
Socially aware - Knows that formal occasions call for clean boots.
A moving force in the family - House by house, she'll get you to move closer to horse country (and farther away from your job.)
Easy to please - A new wheelbarrow, custom boots, or even a folding hoof pick will win her heart forever.
Sentimental fool - Displays a minimum of six 8x10 color photos of the horse in the house and carries a crumpled snapshot of you (taken before you were married) somewhere in the bottom of her purse.
Shows her affection in unusual ways - If she pats you on the neck and says "you're a good boy," believe it or not, she loves you.
Horse Self- Improvement In 20 Easy Steps
1. I will NOT roll in streams when my human is on my back.
2. I will NOT leap over large nonexistent obstacles when the whim strikes.
3. I will NOT walk faster on the way home than I did on the way out.
4. I will NOT bite my farrier's butt just to say "Hi".
5. I will NOT confuse my human's blond hair for really soft hay.
6. I will NOT blow my nose on my human.
7. I will NOT try to mooch goodies from every human within a one-mile radius.
8. I will NOT lay totally flat in my stall with my eyes glazed over and my legs straight out and pretend I can't hear my human frantically screaming "Are you asleep?"
9. I will NOT chase the ponies into the electric fence to see if it is on.
10. I will promise NEVER to dump the wheelbarrow of manure over while my human is mucking my stall.
11. I will NOT grab my lead rope in my mouth and attempt to lead myself.
12. I will NOT pull my shoes off the day after being shod just to prove that I can.
13. I am NEITHER a beaver nor a carpenter. I promise I won't eat or orally remodel the barn or the new fences.
14. I am NOT a battle steed and will NOT act like one.
15. I WILL forgive my human for my very bad haircut, even though I look ridiculous.
16. I WILL accept that not every carrot is for me.
17. I will NOT bite the butt of the horse in front of me during a trail ride just to say "Hi".
18. I will NOT jump in the air and turn 180 degrees every time I see a deer.
19. I will understand that deer are NOT carnivorous.
20. I WILL gladly come from the pasture when my human wants my company.
Top Ten Things You Won't Hear Your Horse Say
10. Don't clean out my stall, I adore the smell.
9. No thanks, one can of oats is enough for me.
8. Doctor, may I please have a rectal exam.
7. I just love traveling in a hot trailer.
6. Mr. Farrier, please don't stop pounding on my hooves.
5. There's room for one more on my back.
4. I feel like galloping another 20 miles.
3. Low branch! Duck!
2. You can go ahead and leave, I'll wash myself down.
1. Can we do this again tomorrow??