Today, my dad found out we have no money, at all, for the next week. We've run out of toilet paper, napkins, and paper towels. Unless I want to walk two miles to the McDonald's, I have to wipe my butt with the only thing we have left: printer paper. FML
Today, I just got out of the hospital, where I was recovering because on April fools day, my mom thought it would be funny to fill the house with smoke, tell me it was on fire, causing me to jump out the window, hitting my head on a pot. I love you too mommy. FML
Today, I was stopped by a cop for speeding. After he wrote me a ticket, I started driving down the highway with him behind me and rolled down my window. The wind swept through my car and blew my ticket out the window. I was stopped by the same cop and ticketed for littering. FML
Today, I was at work. I picked up my bottle of chocolate milk and gave it a little shake like I normally do. This resulted in me throwing off the loose lid and covering myself, my computer, the desk, paperwork, the printer, the wall, and my co-workers desk in brown milk. FML
Today, I was eating a dish of ice cream at a local restaurant when I felt something strange in my mouth. At first, I thought it was just some stray plastic packaging or something. Then I realized it was a small bandage. FML
Today, some friends and I decided to have a campfire. Not thinking, I poured gas directly from a jerrycan into the pit of fire. The nozzle burst into flames in my hands. FML
Today, I was playing in a tennis match. While practicing, I managed to hit a ball over the fence and smack an old lady in the back of the head. They had to call an ambulance due to the heavy fall on her face. The tournament got delayed an hour because of me. FML
Today, I took a shower for the first time since getting sunburnt. My girlfriend thought it would be funny to flush the toilet while I was washing my hair. My eyes are still raw from washing the shampoo out, and the part where my sunburned back hit the shower wall hurts even more now. FML
Today, I went to the lake to feed the ducks. I had my phone in one hand and a chunk of bread in the other. I threw the wrong one into the lake. FML
Today, I learned that if you hang blankets outside to dry and don't check them well enough for bugs, you may wake up at 1AM with a large yellow and black spider crawling across your face. FML
Today, my sister and I were joking around about mailing letters to each other (we live in the same house.) I put a letter in the mail today for her. Unfortunately, the stamps we have are five cents short of what you need to mail a letter, so I taped a nickel to the envelope, next to the stamp. I figure that the worst case scenario is the letter is returned to sender. MLIA
Today, I became a little worried about my sheep on Farmville. I had then nicely arranged in a black white pattern. An hour later and the white are to one side and the black to the other. The same thing happened with my regular reindeer and clumsy ones. I'm afraid that Farmville animals are rascist. MLIA
Today I google mapped my own house and positioned it so that it directly faced my house. I showed the picture to my brother, and told him that I've hidden a secret camera across the street for burglary protection. He's been out there for an hour looking for it. MLIA
I read on a previous MLIA about how someone tried number 68 on the list of 333 ways to get kicked out of walmart. So today, I went to walmart ant tried #82: go up to random people and ask if they like green eggs and ham. The guy I asked then started to quote the entire poem. Together, we told the entire story, with me as Sam-I-Am, and him as the other guy. When we finished, we bowed to the audience and went our separate ways. New favourite store? I think so. MLIA
Today, my coach told me I run like a girl. I told him if he ran a little faster, he could too. MLIA
Today, my school celebrated 'hug a freshman' day. I was hugged 23 times. I'm a senior.
Today my mom told me a "Your mom" joke. It took her a few minutes to realize that she had just insulted herself. MLIA.
Today I walked into a washroom with automatic-flush toilets. I heard the usual "whoosh" of the toilet flush in stall close to me, and then heard someone yell "WHY DOES IT ALWAYS FLUSH BEFORE I'M DONE?!" MLIA.
Today, the power went out at my house so I went out for lunch. I came home and found my mom using my hairdryer to heat leftovers for lunch. She told me that she was hungry and the power was still out. I still wonder how she got a job as a scientist. MLIA.
When I was a freshman in high school, we were given writing prompts in English class because our teacher was out sick. I wrote a story about the ghost of JFK coming back in a tank to take on Ronald McDonald and his army of Kewpie-warlock dolls. I recently went back to visit and my teacher still has that story hanging on his wall. MLIA
Today, I went on UrbanDictionary and looked up nerd. Its definition? One whose IQ exceeds his weight. And love? Nature's way of tricking people into reproducing. MLIA.
A few days ago, some lady came to our class to talk about eating healthy and drinking fruit smoothies. Then, in a low, dramatic voice, she said that there "is this new drug, taking over the U.S. It's name............is....... HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP." She went on about how it is added to get you addicted. I raised my hand and said " I thought that what weed was for". Needless to say, she ignored my statement, and went on. Then, I almost choked when I realized my gum had fructose in it. And I had been wanting gum ever since. Oh well. I still don't like that lady, and still stand firm that gum is good. MLA
^^ my fav
Today my friend stole my scooter. As he rode away, I yelled "Curse You!" The scooter wheel immediately stuck in a crack in the sidewalk and he ended up face down on the ground. I am now a firm believer in curses. MLIA
Me and a bunch of my buddies all serve at the local Red Robin. On the reciepts each of us has our little thing we write may it be a smiley face, a simple thanks, come back soon, or have a great day. However, Brian has his own way. He simply writes "Snape kills Dumbledore." Needless to say, he gets awesome tips. I just might follow his lead. MLIA
You guys have enough?lol
Just post for more. Rofl :)