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*If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1
repeatedly.
*If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to
press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5,
and 6.
* If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what
you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
* If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will
be transferred to the mother ship.
* If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a
small voice will tell you which number to press.
* If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter
which number you press; no one will answer.
* If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name,
address, telephone number, date of birth, social
security number, and your mother's maiden name.
* If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a
message after the beep or before the beep or after the
beep. Please wait for the beep.
* If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
* If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
* If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
* If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
* If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All
of our operators are too busy to talk to you.
* If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan,
lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
* If you are blonde, please don't press any buttons;
you'll just mess it up.
